Review: GI Joe Retaliation

A few years after the events of Rise of Cobra, Cobra Commander has been stored away in secret prison and the Joes have come under the leadership of Duke (Channing Tatum) and his right hand man Roadblock (Dwayne The Rock Johnson). But after completing a mission overseas, the Joes camp is attacked and almost all of our heroes are killed. The president of the United States, who literally does not have a name (Jonathan Pryce), tells the world that the Joes were responsible for a number of treacherous acts and calls for the global eradication of nuclear weapons. But the president isn’t who he says he is and the task of stopping him falls to Roadblock, Lady Jaye (Adrienne Palicki), DJ Cortona (Flint), and Snake Eyes (Ray Park). I’ve decided to keep things fresh around here by coming at GI Joe: Retaliation from a pros and cons standpoint. Now, I’m about to take this movie out back and beat it with a shovel until I have exacted my revenge for the 110 minutes it took from me, but in the interest of fairness, let’s start with the positives.

PROS 1. The Rock is pretty solid. He does his dead level best to raise the material he was given to work with and he does a more than adequate job of dressing this proverbial pig up with a pretty bow. Some of the best parts of the movie involve the back and forth between Johnson and Tatum.

2. I find Adrienne Palicki extremely attractive and perhaps because of this (or my blind loyalty to anything related to Friday Night Lights) I didn’t think her performance was horrible.

3. There’s a five minute fight scene between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) that is ninjatastic and highly enjoyable even if it is almost immediately ruined by the following sequence.

4. Any time Walton Goggins shows up, your project jumps up a notch.

5. GI Joe Retaliation is not quite as bad as Rise of Cobra, due entirely to the aforementioned presence of The Rock.

CONS NOTE: This list is basically the scratching of the surface of the issues I had with this movie but I’ve lost track of some of them due to the lobotomy I gave myself upon walking out of the theater. NOTE TWO: There might be a tiny spoiler in here somewhere. I think it’s pretty obvious from the trailer but if you don’t want the suspense of such a terrific film ruined, then turn away now.

1. There are approximately 756 plot points within GI Joe Retaliation that make absolutely no sense. Now I am aware that it’s not like this film was made out to be Schindler’s List and I can look past some holes in the interest of enjoying an action movie but this goes far beyond the acceptable level of what a man can overlook. My favorite was when the Joes essentially allow London to get blown to bits in order to out Cobra Commander. Hey Britain, I know you’ve been our ally for years and all, but we’re betting you probably won’t miss London.

2. Director Jon M. Chu has NO IDEA how to shoot an action scene. Most of the sequences are too fast and blurry for the eye to keep up and half the time I literally couldn’t tell what was happening on screen. I don’t know what I expected from the man who directed not one but two Step Up movies.

3. Ray Stevenson’s accent is appalling.

4. While Cobra Commander is ostensibly the main villain, the focal point of the film is Pryce’s president and the character ranks up there with the worst villains in a blockbuster movie ever. I think he was supposed to be a sort of sly, cool bad guy but instead he just comes off as cheesy and cliché riddled. Some of this is the writing but let me be frank: Pryce does NOTHING to help the situation.

5. Speaking of the script, it’s bloody wretched. Not only is the plot a total mess, the dialogue is (as expected) cringe-worthy, and perhaps most importantly, it’s extremely dated. I know this film was pushed back by a year but it goes far beyond that. GI Joe Retaliation feels like it was written by an 8^th grader who was sent to the future from 1999. So many little things jump off the screen as out of place because it’s all so antiquated.

6. The scuttlebutt around the Internet was that this movie was bumped from last year to allow for some reshoots that would play up Channing Tatum’s role. Well…not so much, as his character dies within the first 15 minutes. A year ago I never would have imagined I’d write something like this but if you’ve got Channing Tatum in your movie, you probably want to play his character up rather than kill him off.

7. Speaking of Duke, his death is so nondescript as to lead to immediate speculation that he’ll make a remarkable comeback for the inevitable third film. I’m calling my shot now!

8. Throughout the movie, the characters seem to have knowledge that they shouldn’t have. It’s almost as if the characters were given copies of the script before they were thrown into these trying situations.

9. There’s an inherent stupidity to much of what happens throughout this movie. I didn’t expect it to be overly cerebral but it’s like Chu and his cronies go out of their way to make sure the characters do and say idiotic things. The satellites Cobra uses to destroy the world doesn’t launch or shoot its missile but rather it simply “drops” the projectile from space and allows “gravity” to do the rest. Nope.

10. There’s just about nothing that any of these actors could have done to bring GI Joe Retaliation up from the dregs that the script and direction place it in, but it’s possible that no actor has ever given a worse performance in a big budget movie than what RZA has to offer us here. As the sensei for Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, he serves as a sort of narrator over a particularly worthless tangential storyline and the excruciating pain that his portrayal brought on is akin to one of the lesser levels of hell. STOP TRYING TO ACT!!!

All that to say, GI Joe Retaliation is the worst movie I have seen in this young year and it should be avoided at all costs. I mean that. If someone breaks into your house and demands that you either give him your life savings or watch this movie, you should hand over your valuables and consider yourself lucky.

GI Joe: Retaliation Director: Jon M. Chu Cast: The Rock, Adrienne Palicki, Jonathan Pryce Rated: PG-13 (cartoon violence, some mild language) Recommended For: Pre-teen boys and Guantanamo prisoners

Favorite Performances of 2012

For all of its many, MANY merits overall, I don’t think 2012 stands out as a particularly great year for performances. Whereas 2011 was a seriously weak year for films (see: the Best Picture win for The Artist) but packed full of great performances, I think 2012 was the exact opposite. Despite the number of high quality films that made landfall in theaters, much of the year’s greatness did not depend as much on the performances, per se, as they did on a more well-rounded strength. This is not to suggest that there weren’t a number of excellent portrayals that caught my eye this year, but rather that I was more impressed by, say, Argo as a whole than I was by Ben Affleck’s acting itself, and that’s not always the case. That said, while I didn’t think this was an especially great year for individual acting performances, I openly admit to cheating, not once but twice, in order to get everyone in on this list that I wanted to commend. So perhaps my opening hypothesis is flawed. Regardless, I present to you my 10 favorite performances of 2012. NOTE: Please keep in mind the terminology in that sentence: this is my list of FAVORITES, not necessarily the list of the BEST. More than once the two come together but this is my opportunity to highlight some performances that I truly loved even if they won’t show up in any award nominations.

HONORABLE MENTION Mel Gibson – Driver, Get the Gringo John Goodman – John Chambers, Argo Joaquin Phoenix – Freddie Quell, The Master Each of these esteemed actors did excellent work in their respective roles but fell just short of making this top 10 for one reason or another. Gibson was tremendous in the underseen gritty action piece Gringo but if I’m being honest, I couldn’t decide whether his performance was really that great or if it was just so good to see him getting back to what he does best. American Treasure John Goodman was the most charming presence in one of the best unconventional ensemble films in recent memory but his role was so small that I felt other actors/actresses should be highlighted. And Phoenix truly is the litmus test between “favorite” and “best” because while his performance is magnificent, it’s not one that I ever want to sit through again.

10. The Major Surprises Channing Tatum – Jenko, 21 Jump Street Jack Black – Bernie Tiede, Bernie Mark Ruffalo – The Hulk/Bruce Banner, The Avengers

Obviously I’m exercising my right to cheat here but all of these actors deserve a mention and all of them caught me completely off guard.

Going into the year Channing Tatum was a guy I had very little respect for and of all the reasons to be nervous about 21 Jump Street, he was at the top of the list. Lo and behold, the guy is SERIOUSLY funny and owned his role completely. I’ve thought long and hard and I’m not sure there’s a single name actor in Hollywood who could have replaced Tatum and gotten that much out of it.

Bernie is one of the weirdest movie watching experiences I’ve ever had as it has you rooting for a man who, in real life, killed an innocent woman and was sentenced to life in prison. Yet Black presents him with such charm and nuance that you can’t help but wish him well. Bernie is available on Netflix Instant and is worth watching just for Black, whom I’ve never really been a big fan of, by the way.

Ruffalo was perhaps the biggest surprise for me. I was bummed when Marvel pushed Edward Norton out of the Hulk’s green skin before the production of The Avengers and even more bummed when they replaced him with Ruffalo, an actor whose appeal I have never understood. I was wrong to be upset, as Ruffalo brought BOTH sides of his character to life in ways they never have been before. From an acting standpoint, he’s the best part of the year’s biggest movie.

9. Michael Fassbender – David, Prometheus I may be in the minority but I really liked Prometheus. What I’m not in the minority about is Fassbender’s performance, which even the film’s biggest haters pointed to as a positive. As a curious android, Fassbender is truly magnetic and only left me wanting more. It’s a supporting role but still the one that stands out as the film’s most important.

8. Robert De Niro – Pat, Silver Linings Playbook I have openly pined over the years for Robert De Niro to do something, ANYTHING, significant. He is, in my opinion, the greatest American actor of his generation and it has broken my spirit to see him working on junk like Righteous Kill and New Year’s Eve. His role in Silver Linings Playbook is undoubtedly significant, a weighty piece of acting that takes the viewer through a gamut of emotions. It’s his best work in perhaps 15 years or more and reminds you of just how great the man can be.

7. Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany, Silver Linings Playbook It takes a talented woman to play a teenage heroine in a tentpole blockbuster and troubled widow in an awards-bait drama (and I think we can all pretend House at the End of the Street never happened) in the same year. Obviously Lawrence is that woman. Her character is a mixed bag of ups and downs, highs and lows, and with each shift in behavior or attitude, Lawrence is perfectly balanced and spot-on in her performance. You could make a case for Lawrence as the biggest actress in Hollywood right now and I wouldn’t argue with you.

6. Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Joe, Looper In the future it’s likely that, given the chain of events in the closing act, JGL’s turn in The Dark Knight Rises will be remembered as the one that launched him into a different stratosphere as an actor but for me, his performance in Looper is the one to remember. Not only was the film an incredibly cool sci-fi action piece, JGL drove it most of the way with a powerful portrayal that took it to a higher level than even I would have expected, and I expected a lot quite frankly. And while the prosthetics and effects helped to make him look like a young Bruce Willis, it was his painstakingly meticulous method of adopting Willis’ mannerisms and facial expressions that really set his work apart.

5. Martin Freeman – Bilbo Baggins, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey This is probably an unconventional choice for anyone who hasn’t spent a significant amount of time immersed in the literary version of The Hobbit. But since I have, let me just say that stepping into the shoes of an iconic character who many people, including (and perhaps especially) myself, have been looking forward to seeing in real life is a tall order. To absolutely and completely nail said character in every way, shape, and form is another thing entirely. Freeman’s interpretation of Bilbo Baggins was, to be blunt, PERFECT and I can’t wait to see what he does with the character in the following installments.

4. Quvenzhane Wallis – Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild It doesn’t get much better than what Wallis gives the audience in Beasts and the fact that she’s able to do it at nine years old is almost unbelievable. This is a movie, and by proxy a performance, that cannot be properly summarized in a space like this unless you’ve seen it for yourself (so…like…maybe you should do that) but suffice it to say that the mix of vulnerability and power that Wallis demonstrates is both haunting and inspiring.

3. Daniel Day Lewis – Abraham Lincoln, Lincoln What can you say about a performance that is almost assuredly going to score not only a Best Actor nomination but a win in the category? DDL does not bring to life the most important president in the history of the United States; instead, he really and truly BECOMES Abraham Lincoln to the point that if you were to send him back in time to 1864, his own family might not have been able to tell the difference.

2. The Cast of Django Unchained Alright, so here’s my second instance of cheating. I opted for this route because otherwise, at least three spots on this list would be taken up by actors from this film and then what sort of boring list would it be? Django Unchained won’t wind up as my favorite of the year (though it’s close) but it is undoubtedly my favorite from an overall acting standpoint. Other than a casual cameo by Mr. Tarantino himself, there is not a weak link in the varied cast and if it were up to me, just about all of the main cast members would receive Oscar nominations.

My hunch is that Leonardo DiCaprio, as a light-hearted plantation owner with a mean streak, and Samuel L. Jackson, as his diabolical house slave, are the most likely to pull in nominations. These would, of course, be well deserved. But while Jamie Foxx, in the role of the titular character, is at times overshadowed by his supporting players, the dynamic flair and ruthless power that grows within Django as the film goes on is spectacular and builds the momentum exquisitely. And Christoph Waltz, in a role so very different from his Oscar-winning turn in Inglourious Basterds is an absolute joy to watch. That’s not to mention the smaller but still strong performances by Kerry Washington, Walton Goggins, Don Johnson, and Jonah Hill. In a year that stands out for well-rounded, ensemble casts (Argo, Zero Dark Thirty, etc.), Django Unchained takes precedence at the top of the list thanks to a collection of great actors who all turn in memorable and incredible performances.

1. Jessica Chastain – Maya, Zero Dark Thirty Hers is the most recent in my memory, having just seen Zero Dark Thirty, but I imagine I’ll still be thinking about it many months from now. Chastain’s performance is powerful, passionate, and almost overflowing with intensity but more importantly, she serves as the voice for an entire nation. I saw myself in her character and it is that trait that makes this such a remarkable piece of work. Get this woman a Best Actress trophy right now and while we’re at it, let’s just put her in all of the movies from here on out.