Adventures in Parenting #9: One Month Review

Dear Cooper, Over the weekend you had your one month anniversary with this family and your celebration got a little wild. You stayed up late, drank too much (milk), threw up all over yourself, and woke up in different clothes with an apparent lack of recollection as to the previous night’s events. You’re a wild and crazy kid.


As the cliché states, children do indeed grow up rather quickly and it is almost impossible to believe that you have been a part of this family for a full month now. It is also quite remarkable that you have survived given your frailty and our complete lack of experience with babies. I mean, I’ve done my part. I have dropped you less than five times and I only shake you when you’re REALLY crying. Still, you deserve credit for fighting through this month with parents who know next to nothing. Kudos to you, sir.

Now, with your one month anniversary upon us, it seems only fitting to review the events of that period and discuss what you have done well and what you can improve on in order to make this arrangement work out long term:


  1. It goes almost without saying that you have staked your claim to the title of “Cutest Baby in the World” and you’ve held on to it quite tightly. We’ve all seen our fair share of ugly babies and you, my friend, are not one of them.
  2. As far as babies go, you have shown an above average ability to sleep, albeit on an irregular schedule.
  3. You work well with other babies, an attribute we can only hope will carry over into your school years.
  4. You seem completely unfazed by the incessant barking of the dog nor are you bothered by her need to lick your hands and feet. This bodes well for you in this household.
  5. When we watch TV together, you show an equal interest in baseball games and Star Trek. Hopefully this means you’ll be this kind of nerd and not this kind.
  6. Numerous people have remarked about the length of your arms and legs which obviously means you’ll be able to play passing lanes quite well once you become a basketball prodigy.
  7. You have great social skills for a baby even if you’re not the best with the words.



  1. While your coos, grunts, and whimpers are cute, the infrequency at which they occur in the middle of the night makes it difficult to sleep. Sometimes you sound like a gremlin and I don’t mean Gizmo.
  2. Your demands for food at entirely inconvenient times have become tiresome.
  3. Your favorite hobby appears to be finding a way to get your pee to leak out of your diaper.
  4. Though I find it funny now, your mastery of repetitive farts will put a damper on your social life at some point.
  5. You seem to have a deep-seated hatred for bathing which could lead to some hygiene issues down the road.
  6. This thing where you don’t poop for two days and then wreck shop for 12 hours is obnoxious to say the least.
  7. You might be a vampire.

All in all, I’d say it’s been a successful first month on earth. By way of a 2-1 vote with the dog being the only dissenter (albeit a very vocal dissenter) we have decided to extend your stay with the family for the foreseeable future. Keep working on the aforementioned areas in need of improvement and I’m sure we can make this work for a very long time.

Regards, Brian