Top Ten TV Pilots

Note: We are speaking here today about pilots in terms of, “the premier episode of a TV series” and not just the best TV characters who also flew planes/helicopters. If I was concerned with the latter instead of the former, it would just be Tim Daly and Steven Weber from Wings, tied, ten times.

Also Note: There are spoilers herein. You’ve been warned.

This week marks the unofficial-official beginning of Fall TV Pilot Season. The various cable and streaming channels/services have, of course, gotten a head start on the networks with shows like Disenchantment, Jack Ryan, and Mayans MC having already dropped but this week, the Big Four and a Half (as I am proposing they should be called since The CW still doesn’t quite count, I think we can all agree) started putting their new wares on display. As has become the norm, this season is relatively grim, although I will give the networks credit for greenlighting fewer shows that appear to be truly horrific and settling instead for only marginally mediocre fare. Still, the fall’s slate isn’t very inspiring and has me pining for better days and considering the best pilots I have seen in my years of studious TV watching. Thus, a list of said best pilots because, after all, I do love a list.

I have long been fascinated by the pilot process and I think there are four qualifiers for what set the very best pilots apart from the rest. A great pilot must:

1.     Be of the highest quality in its own right. Bad or mediocre pilots that spawned great shows will not be considered (see: Star Trek the Next Generation);
2.     Establish tone, plot, and/or storyline of the show that is to come;
3.     Give a strong introduction to the main characters who will dominate the series henceforth;
4.     Represent a show that lives up to the promise of the pilot (within reason).

We’re only talking about hour-long shows here, no sitcoms/half-hour dramas as these are completely different mediums that deserve their own conversations. So, say goodbye to Modern Family, Arrested Development, and other sitcom favorites with great pilots. Likewise, I’ve only included shows I have seen all (or the vast majority) of as it would be foolish to speak to or against the merits of a show I know little about. This list includes The Wire, West Wing, Six Feet Under, and a host of others I’m sure I should have seen by now. (I’d say I’m sorry but, y’all, there is SO MUCH television out there, what do you want from me?!) A few great pilots or pilots of great shows that missed the boat here because of one qualifier or another: Homeland, The Walking Dead, The X-Files, Fringe, Heroes, and, perhaps most devastating to me personally, Studio 60, an incredible pilot that unfortunately wrote a check the resulting show could never cash. I also tossed out Battlestar Galactica, because its “pilot” is really a three-hour miniseries which isn’t a fair comparison to the rest of these shows, and Firefly, because its pilot wasn’t actually the pilot that viewers saw and the episode that served as the pilot is probably the worst episode of the truncated series. These all feel like relevant qualifiers to me but I’m sure many of you will be angry about these exclusions and I accept your judgment.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Stranger Things (“The Vanishing of Will Byers”), Deadwood (“Deadwood”), Game of Thrones (“Winter is Coming”)
All of these episodes had a spot in my top ten at one point or another before succumbing to the strength of those listed. I love them all, however; they are all excellent pilots that follow the above rules quite well. “Winter is Coming” gets extra credit for being the flashpoint for virtually everything that has happened in the Game of Thrones universe, quite a feat given the sheer number of characters, storylines, and insanity within the show. If I had to present an argument as to why I excluded each of these from the final list, I would say “Winter is Coming” is only a so-so episode of Game of Thrones in its own right, “The Vanishing of Will Byers” is a little too concerned with the “Mystery Box” element of its narrative, and Deadwood takes about three episodes to truly establish the world in which it inhabits so “Deadwood” is more like the first portion of an extended pilot in my view. These are small complaints about shows that, again, I really dig but they’re enough to bump them off the top ten list proper.

10. Justified, “Fire in the Hole”
Of all the pilots listed here, I think this one is by far the weakest in its own right (a good episode, not great) and in fact, I excluded it in most of my early drafts. But as I considered my must haves for a great pilot, “Fire in the Hole” scored high in terms of setting the tone for what was to come while also giving us a substantive taste of our two main characters, Raylan Givens and Boyd Crowder. Indeed, one of the very first lines spoken by Raylan regarding Boyd, “We dug coal together”, became a consistent theme for the next six seasons and serves as the final words spoken in the finale. That kind of symmetry is too much for me to pass up, especially considering how great this show turned out to be after its first season.  

9. 24, “12:00 am-1:00 am”
The legacy of 24 is difficult to contextualize in 2018 but in the moment, it was a show unlike any other and the pilot set the events that followed over the next nine years into motion with rapid fire speed. 24 is, I think, the first network TV show to hint at the Prestige TV era that was to come and served a multi-generational audience with a wholly unique, pulse-pounding thrill ride with every single episode. This pilot serves as one of those, “Where were you when…” pop culture moments and that ticking clock was all anyone could talk about in the days following the premier. There are many, many, episodes of 24 that are better than this one, but the experience of this particular hour sets it apart in my mind.  

8. Pushing Daisies, “Pie-lette”
Oh, what could have been. The WGA strike in 2007 claimed a handful of TV and movie victims but for my money, there is no greater loss than Pushing Daisies. This is a beautiful, quirky, expertly crafted pilot that sets the tone exquisitely, no small feat considering the very odd subject matter. To this day, it stands as the prime example of how to set up an off-beat series and I only wish the show would’ve been given the room to build upon the promise it showed in its truncated first season. You deserved better, Pushing Daisies.

7. Breaking Bad, “Pilot”
A small confession: while I fully grasp the greatness and significance of Breaking Bad, I think its first ten episodes or so fall somewhere between “average” and “good.” Somewhere in the second season, Vince Gilligan found the right gear and the show never lost its pace again but the first season in particular is a bit of a slog for me. The pilot, though, is an outlier, a gripping hour of television that sets the wheels turning on the next 61 episodes of the show many consider the best of all-time. This episode worked in the moment but more importantly, it really works when you look back on it in the context of where the series ended up. I’m not completely sure Gilligan had the entire thing mapped out all along but regardless, when you re-watch this pilot now, you see the seeds of what would come to pass, especially in regard to Walter White, and the myth of his goodness.

6. The Shield, “Pilot”
Over the years, whether due to its lack of streaming availability or the sheer number of white male anti-heroes we’ve encountered since it premiered in 2002, The Shield’s legacy has gotten overlooked. You rarely hear it discussed in the same glowing terms that most of its Early Prestige TV era luminaries receive if it’s even mentioned at all. I think is a massive mistake as The Shield had more influence on the next 15 years of television than any other show besides The Sopranos. This pilot lays the groundwork of what the series, and maybe more importantly, its main character (Vic Mackey), would be perfectly. In the closing moments, you get one of the greatest lines ever delivered on a TV drama (Vic, menacingly laying a phonebook in front of a smug child predator, saying, “Good cop and bad cop left for the day. I’m a different kind of cop.”) that makes you love Vic, followed immediately by the revelation that Vic is a cop-killer. The episode forces you to wrestle with the concepts of good and evil, a continuous theme throughout the following seasons, while telling you exactly who these characters really are at their core.

5. The Americans, “Pilot”
Over its final season, The Americans solidified its place among the Prestige TV greats for anyone who previously held doubts about its legacy. (For the record, I’m not one of these people and for my money, this was the best show on television in a couple of stretches.) But the pilot itself remains criminally underrated, rarely breaking into the “best of” conversation despite its abject brilliance as a stand-alone hour of TV, not to mention the ways in which it sets up the show for the long haul. This structure of this episode is PERFECT, bringing you into the lives of two would-be villains (on paper, that is) then showing you both sides of their lives, topped off with an, ahem, effective use of “In the Air Tonight.” It is the final scene, however, that escalates the tension to the point of inducing a heart attack and sets the narrative of the next 75 episodes on its axis.   

4. Friday Night Lights, “Pilot”
I’m extremely in the bag for FNL given that I think it is the best network TV drama of all-time and also my son is named after one of the characters. But setting aside all biases, I can objectively tell you that FNL is the best network TV drama of a- okay, I might not be able to set aside said biases. The structure of this episode, directed by Peter Berg in one of his most-lucid periods, is utterly brilliant, described by Berg himself as taking the All-American Boy, building him up, and then breaking him. It’s a gut-wrenching, gripping hour of television that serves as a perfect example of what the show would be for the next five seasons. It introduces all the important characters with simplicity (the complexity comes later) and backing it up with what might be Coach Eric Taylor’s greatest words playing out over the final scenes. I’ve watched this pilot a dozen times and remain fascinated by its perfection.

3. Lost, “Pilot Parts 1 and 2”
I’ve gone through a dozen stages of feelings with Lost over the years. On the one hand, it nearly (*insert David Caruso putting on sunglasses gif*) lost me multiple times, the finale is disappointing at best, and when you weigh the whole of the series altogether, I’m not sure it’s more than average overall. And yet, it was watercooler TV for six years, dominated my pre-Peak TV brain in a way no other show had before, and features some truly outstanding highs despite its immense level of difficulty. I think this episode, which premiered over two weeks in September 2004, is the best episode of the show which is both an incredible accomplishment and a major culprit in the disappointment that followed. JJ Abrams asked questions in the first two hours that never got answered satisfactorily but for a brief moment, the questions were enough to keep us totally enthralled and Lost was omnipresent culturally. To this day, this pilot remains the only one that I remember where I was and who I was with when I watched it and it is the first one that springs to mind when someone mentions TV pilots. There’s something special about that.

2. The Sopranos, “Pilot”
The Godfather of Prestige TV (I am CERTAIN I am the first person to make this allusion, I should trademark this), this episode is routinely brought up in the “Best Pilots” conversation and yet it is somehow still underrated. There was no blueprint for what David Chase did with series at large (which is part of my argument for this being the best show of all-time) but that holds even more truth for the pilot. The best drama pilots ever up to this point were (in some order) Twin Peaks, NYPD Blue, and Hillstreet Blues but all of those episodes were built like Lost’s pilot, with the intent to offer a mystery (who killed Laura Palmer), a surprise twist (Officer Licalsi is a mob informant), or a cliffhanger (two police officers are left for dead) to entice viewers to come back the following week. This episode is quite the opposite: viewers tuning in expecting a violent mob drama were instead treated to a sulky, depressed, middle-management mob boss whose teenage daughter hates him and who is…obsessed with a family of ducks? The violence would come later in the series, to be sure, but instead of falling back on the more reliable tropes his viewers expected, Chase built the pilot entirely on the characters and their everyman troubles. It makes perfect sense in hindsight, seeing as how The Sopranos was always a slow burn rather than an action-thriller, but in the moment, it was an incredibly bold move and one that resulted in fantastic returns. 

1. Mad Men, “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes”
Without the blueprint left behind by The Sopranos, I don’t know that Mad Men exists, though this could be said (and has been) for a litany of Prestige TV shows. Mad Men, though, took that blueprint and, instead of trying to copy it (which many shows did), actually built upon it (which many fewer shows were successful at), even perfecting it. The pilot is no exception, a glorious hour of slow burn drama that sells the lie of Don Draper’s glamorous life as a top-flight ad executive and then hammers you with the revelation that, oh by the way, he’s a married family man whose entire existence is fraught with dishonesty. Essentially, Matthew Weiner took the Sopranos template and added a hook that, while not a traditional cliffhanger, is no less jarring. This revelation laid the foundation for much of what followed throughout Mad Men’s run: you saw Don’s conquests in the forefront but in the back of your mind, you were waiting for the other shoe to drop, for one of his myriad lies to be found out. Of course, that was the point, because that paranoia dominated Don’s life and, as much as any show before or after, Mad Men understood how to perfectly frame itself so that you always felt you were walking in the protagonist’s shoes. “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes”, then, is this brief, unknowing (to the viewer at the time, that is) respite from what is to come, allowing you to see Don as everyone else sees him, before you spend the next six years seeing him as he sees himself. It’s an exquisitely shot episode that provides immediate depth to both the characters and the settings and gives you incredible insight into all that is to come.

The New Lunchable

Cooper started Kindergarten this week. I have been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading this event for the last few months. On the one hand, it’s so exciting to watch him grow up and mature and develop his own personality and all that stuff. On the other, he doesn’t seem nearly old or big enough to be conscripted into the public-school system and, of course, this brings him one step closer to his inevitable betrayal of our “Best Buddies for Life” pact. Some day he won’t need me anymore and, in that moment, I’m sure I’ll look back on the years and think, “If only I would’ve kept him out of Kindergarten for another year or five. That’s where it all went wrong.”

But, since I did not hold him out of Kindergarten for a year or five, we have tried to embrace his new life phase with as much excitement and as little terror as possible. Some misty eyes? Sure. A few Ron Burgundy in a glass case of emotions freak outs? Maybe (definitely). But I’ve balanced it with a ton of encouragement, big smiles, and exaggerated enthusiasm for literally every single thing about Kindergarten, hoping he doesn’t pick up on my own intense uncertainty about this whole thing. Every morning, Lindsey or I walk him to school and every afternoon, one or both of us waits outside the Kindergarten wing to pick him up. It is on the walk home where we gather the most intelligence regarding the events of the day.

“Today we went to the gym.” (“Good. Goodness knows you need all the help you can get developing some semblance of athletic ability.”)

“We did music today!” (“Crap, we’re going to have to listen to you practice the recorder at some point, aren’t we?”)

“Today we did science.” (*Extreme Jesse Pinkman voice* “Yeah science!!”)

I love this stuff for several reasons. One, we know almost nothing about what he’s doing on a daily basis. We know his teacher’s name, we know where his classroom is within the building, and we know when to drop him off and pick him up. That’s it. As a highly organized, schedule-intensive person, I would like to know more about what happens in his eight-hour school day. Two, I think establishing the habit now of catching up on what we’ve missed through the day (hopefully) leads to more open communication later in life. And three, it’s clear that the structure of Kindergarten is a bit tighter than Pre-K because this kid is DYING TO TALK when he gets out of class. In the Pre-K days, most of the time his response to what he did at school was, “I don’t remember” or, “It was good.” This week, he walked out every day talking at a speed (and sometimes decibel) that suggested he was full to the brim with the words and needed to get them all out before his little body exploded. No complaints here, though, I’m totally here for it.

On Wednesday, the post-school conversation skipped right past science and P.E. and straight into lunchroom scuttlebutt.

“DAD,” Cooper said, almost before I could ask him how his day was. “You will not believe this. There. Is. A. New. Lunchable. And it’s mini hotdogs!!!”

He virtually screamed this at me, completely overwhelmed with excitement that is usually reserved for receiving a new PJ Masks toy or meeting a new doggo. It was clear he’d been thinking about this for hours and couldn’t wait to tell someone, anyone. (Egotistically, I’d like to think he couldn’t wait to tell me about this new revelation but practically, I’m pretty sure he would’ve told the aforementioned new doggo if that was the first being he came in contact with once outside the Kindergarten Cone of Silence.) Then he sort-of chuckled to himself and shook his head as if to say, “Wow, the things these people think of, you know? Truly boggles the mind.” When we got home, he made his very loud announcement to Lindsey and, come to find out, he told my parents about it when he saw them as well. It’s entirely possible that he’s already set up his own blog just to tell people about the new Lunchable.

Now, it’s no surprise that the new Lunchable has touched such a nerve with my son. Lunchables make up an embarrassingly high percentage of his food intake. If you are what you eat, Coop is 80 percent pizza Lunchable, ten percent carrot, and ten percent milk. (I don’t know, guys, we’re doing things 20 percent right, okay?) I think Lunchables are disgusting; one time, Lindsey and I were in a checkout line behind two full-grown men buying approximately 50 Lunchables each and I’ve never felt sorrier for anyone in my life. Like, at least Hot Pockets are warm, you know? But to a kid (and maybe specifically my kid), there is no grander culinary treat than a Lunchable. So, while the idea of eating a hot dog Lunchable is so heinous as to cause me to wretch as I write this, I totally get where my dude is coming from.

I love Coop’s reaction to the Great Lunchable Discovery of 2018 for two reasons. One, he came home completely awestruck, like he’d stumbled upon this wonderous new world where someone actually thought to turn processed miscellaneous meat into a hearty kid lunch and he couldn’t believe what he’d just seen. He wasn’t demanding we run out and get him a crate of hot dog Lunchables, he was just so pumped that they existed. And two, the idea of one kid busting out a hot dog Lunchable at the lunch table and all the other kids losing their minds over it cracks me up. I imagine they all started jumping around like the player-spectators at the NBA Dunk Contest, one kid (definitely Cooper) yelled, “Whuuuuuuttt”, another kid passed out from the excitement… It’s an incredible visual and, while exaggerated, takes me back to my days in the elementary school lunchroom and the friendships formed over the original Lunchables and discussions about the cultural importance of Home Alone. I’m excited for Coop to experience these tiny events that matter little in the grand scheme of his life but are huge in the moment.

After a couple days of non-stop talk about the magical, mythical lunch treat, Lindsey and I both (without telling the other our plan) went out and found some mini hot dog Lunchables. On the way home from school, I talked up the “big surprise” waiting for him and by the time we actually got to present him with (the world’s worst) bounty of processed food, I thought for sure I’d overdone it and his reaction would be anticlimactic. But instead, he hoisted the yellow box over his head and yelled in triumph because, after all, how could anything be better than mini hot dog Lunchables?

First Day of Kindergarten

In a few short hours, my tiny infant son, who only just yesterday, it seems, was barely able to crawl and talk and eat semi-solid food, will be headed to his first day of Kindergarten. As an extremely practical, reasonable human being, I have, of course, always known this day would be coming and currently know that, in the grand scheme of things, Kindergarten isn’t a world-altering big deal. His school is literally within throwing distance (okay, maybe throwing distance *before* shoulder surgery) of our house and at 3:25 every day, we can walk home together and he can tell me about the advanced math formulas and seven syllable words he mastered that day, and everything is going to be fine. He’s not going off to boarding school, although he did think Kindergarten was an “all-day-all-night” kind of thing until very recently. As an extremely emotional, possibly overly sensitive parent-and-best-buddy of an only child, I am an absolute mess and everything is definitely NOT going to be fine. He just seems so little, you guys. 

When you have a baby (and by “have” I mean, “possess a small child for whom you have a legal responsibility” because, of course, Lindsey actually had the baby, though I was there for moral support and like…I don’t know, very meager coaching while attempting to not pass out?), everyone says stuff like, “Cherish it now, they grow up fast.” Literally everyone says this. And in that moment, sleep-deprived and hungry for some reason (?) and a little angry for no real reason other than the sleep deprivation and hunger, you’re like, “Yeah, sure, cool, can we hurry up and get through that, then, because I’m dying here and I’m looking forward to him just being able to talk to me like a real person so I can explain sleep to him.” And then suddenly he IS a real person capable of actual speech. And you’re like, “Whoa, that was quick, weren’t you pooping in a sack a few minutes ago?” And he’s all, “Get with the times, old man” as he hoverboards out of the room with his girlfriend!? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

My point is, it turns out “literally everyone” is right: these stupid kids really do grow up fast. My favorite thing about parenting in the early years was holding Cooper against my chest while he dozed; now, he weighs a thousand pounds and when he tried to put his head on my chest last week, I felt like I’d been Zidane’d and my sternum will never be the same. I have this video of him when he was maybe five months old, just babbling (loudly) for several minutes; now he’s a better conversationalist than I am, and he has all of the words (okay, not ALL of the words, this isn’t a Ron Swanson with a typewriter situation, but you know what I mean). You see these things changing in real time, sure, but they’re incremental and you’re distracted by the day-to-day parenting stuff. And then one day, Facebook pops up a picture from the “On This Day…” feature and you can’t believe how tiny that kid looks or how long ago that moment really was.

Now he’s five and I have to turn him over to the state (it’s possible that I don’t understand how Kindergarten works any better than he does). Lindsey and I have always made it a priority to bring others into Cooper’s upbringing because we know how valuable his community of family and friends will be in his development and because we know we need help, that we need breaks. We left him with my mother-in-law at maybe seven days old so we could go have dinner with our friends; he’s been in pre-school four days a week since he was four months old; he has a sea of blood-and-non-blood-related aunts and uncles who look after him constantly. But Kindergarten is the first time he'll be in the daily care of someone I don’t know; when I won’t be able to just show up and take him simply because I had a couple hours before the night’s practices started and I thought it might be cool if we got ice cream that day; when he can’t stick his head in my office on the way to the gym and sneak in a quick hug.

This unfamiliarity and the loss of those special moments that will undoubtedly be replaced with other special moments, I’m sure, lead to possibly absurd, but no less real, fearful questions. What if his teacher hates him? What if he doesn’t make friends? What if he hates school just because he has to wear a uniform and uniforms are stupid, especially for tiny Kindergarteners (I know I hate his school for this so it stands to reason that he will too, I think)? What if public school erodes his blissful ignorance as to how the world works when I’m not quite ready for him to learn those hard lessons?

What it all boils down to is the sense, the reality, that Kindergarten is one step closer to my impending irrelevancy. A tiny step, sure, but a step nonetheless. Today it’s Kindergarten, next week it’s adolescence when he might hate me, then the teenage years when he will definitely hate me, then college, then part-time adult, then full-time adult, and on and on. Right now, he needs me; someday, he won’t, not like he does now, anyway. Right now, he wants to be like me; someday, he’ll be better than me, at least I hope he will. Right now, he and I are best buddies; someday, it is likely that we will not be best buddies, and then, maybe, if I’m lucky, we’ll be best buddies again somewhere down the line. Those changes are unavoidable and inevitable and at the moment, Kindergarten feels like a battering ram ripping through the gates of “Brian and Cooper Are Best Buddies" Castle.

In my heart, I know the changes headed our way are good and I’m rooting SO HARD for him to triumph over the coming challenges, whether it’s making friends in Kindergarten or picking a college or raising a kid of his own (way, way, WAY down the line). Still, it’s hard in the moment. Recently, Cooper held my hand while we were watching TV, and I thought, “Pretty soon, he’s gonna be too cool for this.” And that’s good! It would be weird for a teenage boy to hold his dad’s hand while watching Black Panther! I have loved every single phase of Cooper’s life in his five years on this earth. I will love this phase as well and the next one and each that follows (possibly exempting the awful teenage years). But I’ll also mourn a bit for the passing of this phase and for the knowledge of the passings that are still to come, all the while reminding myself that he is ready, even if I am not.

Ten Action Movies That Would Be Better with Tom Cruise

I love Tom Cruise. This is not news to listeners of Mad About Movies, friends and family, or anyone who’s ever been near me on a mountaintop as I am prone to yelling about my affection from high places. Is Tom Cruise a humorless, crazy person in real life? Very likely. But does Tom Cruise, after more than 30 years in this business, still put on an amazing show that very rarely ends in abject disappointment and occasionally touches on greatness? You bet. He is the Roger Federer of action movies, a superstar whose powers should have diminished long ago but who has continued to dominate for so long that he has now outlasted the class of up-and-comers who came along to displace him. And, as I have noted numerous times, I love that Tom Cruise desperately wants to please the movie going public because at his core, he just wants you to love him. He will do anything for you, the average movie goer.

With the sixth installment of the Mission: Impossible franchise (Fallout) headed our way this weekend, I thought about Tom Cruise’s incredible longevity and asked myself this question: Which action movies from the last 35 years would be better with Tom Cruise? Could we insert him into bad action movies and make them good (yes, definitely, because Tom Cruise essentially doesn’t make bad movies, The Mummy aside) and could we insert him into good action movies and make them better (I think we could)? A number of movies jumped to mind as potential Cruiseian vessels but I think some obvious choices would be changed too much in tone or style by involving Cruise so as to become completely different movies rather than just “better” movies. For example, I tried hard to replace Nic Cage with Tom Cruise in a dozen different movies but Cage, for all of his less than stellar acting chops, is such a singular, shall we say, presence, that removing him would fundamentally change the movie. Would Tom Cruise make Con-Air better? Probably, but it would be completely different movie and possibly not as fun. Likewise, I considered only movies and roles that Cruise, the biggest movie star of all-time (at least in his own mind), would actually take, so no character work or ensembles (see: The Expendables). And finally, I didn’t consider outright atrocious movies because in most cases, the prospective improvement wouldn’t be directly tied to Cruise. Would Tom Cruise in place of Mark Wahlberg make Transformers: The Last Knight a better movie? Of course, but so would a spider monkey throwing feces; that’s not much of a test. With those rules in mind, here’s what I came up with.

HONORABLE MENTION: The Matrix – Keanu Reeves, Thomas Anderson/Neo
The Matrix is a very good movie that is also, in my opinion, very overrated. Some of this is due to its outdated look and some to the fact that the sequels are miserable affairs all around. Perhaps Cruise doesn’t help with either of these issues but I think his intensity, the direct opposite of Reeves’s emotionless zombie routine, works better once Neo ascends and maybe that keeps the sequels afloat? Reeves is DEFINITELY the better Thomas Anderson, though, and the movie has to take on a different tone and possibly aesthetic to match Cruise so this is far from a no-brainer. But I think that I, personally, would be much more willing to re-watch The Matrix and its sequels if it were a Cruise joint.

10. Robin Hood (2010 version) – Russell Crowe, Robin Hood
Raise your hand if you completely forgot there was a Ridley Scott-Russell Crowe Robin Hood movie. As we approach the release of yet another Hood iteration (but this one has Jamie Dornan! Hooray!), I’d like us to harken back a few years to one of the most boring adventure films in recent memory. Maybe Cruise doesn’t turn Robin Hood into a smashing success (this was, after all, a horrendous period for Scott) but at the very least he’d try to make the material entertaining which is far more than we can say for Crowe.

9. The Running Man – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ben Richards
I’ll be honest, this has way more to do with just wanting Tom Cruise, the King of the Movie Run, to be in a movie titled The Running Man. It would probably be weird to have Rain Man-era Cruise in this heavy action movie extremely suited for Arnie’s talent, but wouldn’t it be awesome to look back on his career 30 years later and note the presence of The Running Man on Cruise’s IMDb? I think so.

8. 300 – Gerard Butler, King Leonidas
The impetus for this selection is two-fold. One, if you gave Cruise this role and six months to prepare, there is a 100 percent chance he’d come back with a real 12-pack to fully embody (forgive the pun) the character and I want to see that. Two, if we could go back 11 years and keep Butler out of this role, I think there’s a 50-50 shot his career never takes off and we’re not subjected to three unfathomably bad Butler movies ever year.

7. Speed – Keanu Reeves, Jack Traven OR Dennis Hopper, Howard Payne
A friend of mine suggested this selection and I like it because really, truly, you could sub Cruise into either lead role and the movie would get better. Cruise versus Hopper pops off the screen far more than Reeves-Hopper ever did, and Reeves versus Cruise would be a hilarious clash of style that I would definitely watch 900 times.

6. Spider-Man – Willem Dafoe, Norman Osborne/The Green Goblin
I thought long and hard on how to incorporate Cruise into the MCU. My best idea was to have him step into the shoes of Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. This would work, I think, but the integration wouldn’t be seamless. So, while the Raimi Spider-Man films are only MCU-adjacent, I’d still jump at the chance to get Cruise into the comic book movie business. I think Cruise plays this role a little less “creepy and insane” but with a harder edge and ultimately, it helps the movie age better than it has in its present form. 

5. A Taken-like Franchise – Liam Neeson, Bryan Mills
I love Liam Neeson as both a person and an action hero and he did a great job elevating the pulpy material of the first Taken movie to a respectable level. Plus, this was the jumping off point for the second phase of his career and it was well-deserved, so I wouldn’t want to take it away from him (basically the opposite of Gerard Butler in 300). What I really want is for Cruise to helm his own series like this; his own Taken, Equalizer, John Wick, etc. Something simple and filled with over-the-top action and gun play. It seems like it would be fun to watch him in that role. Let’s make this happen.

4. Talladega Nights – Sacha Baron Coen, Jean Girard
I admit, I am super stretching the term, “action movie” here, please forgive me. This is nothing against SBC who is actually quite funny in this, one of the more underrated movies from the Will Ferrell heyday. But given Cruise’s comedic success in Tropic Thunder, I very badly want to see him try his hand as a ridiculous French race car driver. It might be a disaster, I DON’T KNOW, I just find myself NEEDING to see that.

3. Any 80’s or early 90’s karate/kung fu-related movie
You have your pick here as one out of every three movies from this era revolved around martial arts. Karate Kid, Bloodsport, American Ninja, Surf Ninjas, Three Ninjas, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… Obviously Cruise would be great in any of these illustrious films. My pick, however, would be the oft-forgotten Chuck Norris jam Sidekicks, wherein a bullied teenager imagines that Chuck Norris is his karate mentor. Of course, Chuck Norris actually knows karate and Tom Cruise does not but wouldn’t it be fun to see Tom Cruise learn karate just so he could star in a cheesy kid’s movie like this? Yes, yes it would.

2. Total Recall – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Douglas Quaid/Hauser
Arnie was like no other before or after him, a man built in a laboratory (almost literally) to star in 80’s action movies. He’s irreplaceable in virtually all of his movies from this time period (including the aforementioned Running Man, I admit). But I will take this belief to my grave: he was out of his depth in Total Recall. This movie needed more of a thinking man’s action star in the lead role and while we’ve never confused Tom Cruise with the great thinkers of our time, he does a much better job of piecing together a mystery than Schwarzenegger ever did. This miscasting was rectified in some ways 12 years later when Cruise did Minority Report but still, the 1990 version of Total Recall is infinitely better with Cruise in the lead, just beginning to stretch his action movie muscles.

1. The Fast Series
I don’t want Cruise to replace anyone within the Fast and Furious Cinematic Universe as it is perfect and above any potential second guessing I might offer. I just desperately want/need Tom Cruise in this universe. Add him to the mix as a villain in Fast10, have him join up with Hobbs and Shaw in their upcoming spin-off, let him slide in as Brian O’Connor’s older brother hell bent on revenge; I don’t care, just make it happen. Please, I beg of you, make it happen.

The Krasinski Curse

As I write this piece, I’m watching The Office. This is a very common occurrence around here as I have watched the series from start to finish at least a dozen times and that estimate is probably on the conservative side. I love The Office; it is my second favorite show of all-time (Parks and Rec) and it is undefeated TV Comfort Food that I can watch in any season, any mood, any situation. Over the course of its nine seasons, there came to be any number of reasons why I loved The Office and why so many people gravitate toward it into seeming perpetuity. But when I started, when I sort-of fought through the first dozen episodes or so in hopes of ultimately being rewarded with something great, I watched because of Jim (Jimothy?) Halpert and I don’t think I’m alone in that sentiment. In the moment, Jim Halpert’s Q-Rating was off the chart. (Since the end of The Office, a segment of the population has decided Jim Halpert is the villain of the show, I’m assuming because they have no souls and have never worked in any sort of office or retail environment. Last year, one of my former students tweeted, “Happy Thanksgiving to everyone except for those who think Jim Halpert is somehow a bad guy” and honestly, I’ve never been prouder of any of my former students.)

There are a lot of reasons why Jim Halpert is so compelling in those early days (he’s outrageously handsome, charming, and charismatic but in an accessible, All-American Boy way) but a big part of it is the feeling of authenticity. You feel like John Krasinski actually is Jim Halpert and thus, your love for Halpert is transferred over to Krasinski himself. I’ve often said that you should always expect the absolute worst from any famous person/performer and never be surprised when they turn out to be terrible people. I apply this rule to everyone in Hollywood with the exception of Tom Hanks and John Krasinski. I would be devastated if Krasinski was implicated in any kind of scandal; it would feel like a real betrayal, like how could Jim Halpert, a fictional person who definitely does not exist, do this to me?! It is safe to say, then, that I root hard for John Krasinski and wish him nothing but success in all of his professional endeavors. Thus, it has been painful to watch the less-than-stellar returns on both Krasinski’s hard work and my forceful thoughts and prayers directed his way.

It's a running bit on our show to reference the “The Krasinski Curse”, based on the sheer number of career decisions Krasinski has made that look good on paper but ultimately fail in execution. Let’s take a brief look at those decisions, beginning in 2007 when he began to cash in on the currency allotted by The Office.

First, Krasinski provided supporting voice work for Shrek The Third, a movie that grossed nearly $200 million less than its predecessor and sported a Rotten Tomatoes score of 41% (as compared to the 88% of Shrek 2). Later that same summer, he teamed with both Mandy Moore at the height of her pre-This is Us power AND Robin Williams for the romantic comedy License to Wed. The end result: 7% on Rotten Tomatoes and complete failure at the box office. Krasinski would try the romantic comedy route again in 2011 with Something to Borrowed which was almost just as bad (15%) and almost just as unsuccessful with audiences.

These are normal misfires, the type of failures that happen to just about everyone in the industry. It’s still a little weird to me that we, as a society, wouldn’t accept Krasinski as the new male face of the romantic comedy but perhaps we can chalk that up to the disappearance of the genre as a whole. With this next group of films, though, you start to really see the Krasinski Curse rear its ugly head.

In 2008, he co-starred with George freakin’ Clooney, fresh off the success of Good Night and Good Luck, in Leatherheads, one of the most confusingly bad movies of the decade which, in hindsight, serves as a harbinger of things to come from Clooney. But in the moment? That’s a no-brainer for Krasinski; you absolutely take that gig 100 out of 100 times. The following year, he played the fourth lead in Nancy Meyer’s It’s Complicated, which was fine by Krasinski Curse standards but is, after all, a movie starring Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin (all three American Treasures, by the way) that literally no one remembers or talks about, probably including Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin. After this, Krasinski bided his time a bit, focused on The Office, then teamed up with Gus Van Sant and Matt Damon to produce, co-write, AND co-star in…Promised Land. Oof. That one still stings. Promised Land should’ve been a guaranteed win for our boy Krasinski and instead it’s a total failure on every level. From there, we move on to a small voice role in Monsters University, a fine movie that doesn’t hold a candle to the vast majority of the Pixar universe in any metric. In 2016, he finally goes over to the Dark Side, joining forces with Michael Bay to, at the very least you would assume, make a whole lot of money, the only thing Michael Bay knows how to do. Of course, this movie turned out to be 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi, a TOTALLY RESPECTABLE movie by Michael Bay standards…that ultimately made less than $70 million, the worst returns of Bay’s career. Even last year, he had a small role in Detroit, Kathryn Bigelow’s follow-up to Zero Dark Thirty, which was hamstrung by a strange release date (August), and ultimately made no impression with either audiences or award academies.

I have, of course, bypassed one very significant moment in the history of The Krasinski Curse: 2015’s Aloha. This one still haunts me. Sometimes I wake up screaming in a cold sweat over the memory of just how bad Aloha is and the deep, unhealable hurt its rottenness inflicted upon me. If there is a poster child for The Krasinski Curse, for, “THIS LOOKS GREAT ON PAPER HOW DID IT FAIL?!”, it is Aloha. You could not have made a movie more specifically for me than Aloha. Written and directed by Cameron Crowe (one of my three favorite directors) and starring the likes of Bradley Cooper (yes), Emma Stone (YES), Rachel McAdams (YES!!!), and Bill Murray (*passes out*) plus Krasinski. There is no world in which that movie should be bad…except this one. In this world that we currently live in, this movie is, in fact, extremely, historically bad.

In the interest of fairness, I’m skipping over a few highs in a long run of mostly lows. He did a little voice work in the surprisingly-successful-if-forgettable Monsters Vs. Aliens, he teamed with Maya Rudolph and Sam Mendes for the touching (and overlooked) indie drama Away We Go, and he executive produced Manchester By the Sea. But I would posit, and I think you’d agree, that the peaks here don’t do nearly enough to fill the valleys.

I have no explanation for this run of bad luck and the development of The Krasinski Curse. My best guess is he made a deal with the devil and traded in all of his professional good luck in order to woo and marry Emily Blunt. If this is the case, I don’t blame him and actually I very much applaud his decision. Well worth it, John. But regardless of any Faustian dealings, I’d like to see the curse broken and to be able to once again look forward to Krasinski’s projects without trepidation. And, while I’ve said this before and risk looking very foolish in a few months given the very nature of The Krasinski Curse, I think 2018 is going to do the trick.

Our man Krasinski has three big projects on the docket this year. This past weekend, A Quiet Place, written, directed, and starring Krasinski debuted in theaters nationwide. The buzz surrounding the movie was outstanding and despite my best efforts to keep the curse in mind, I went in expecting great things and was richly rewarded (review to come). This summer, Krasinski ventures back into TV with Amazon’s much-anticipated, highly budgeted Jack Ryan series. This is, (again, on paper) a perfect project for Krasinski, one that highlights both his new-found physicality (the trip to Bay Land wasn’t all for naught) and his subtle charisma and works from a source material that is dying to be relevant once more. Finally, in December, he’ll provide the voice of an older Peter Parker for Sony’s Enter the Spider-Verse animated film that looks, in the limited footage we’ve seen so far, fantastic.

With all of this headed our way in the next few months, I think 2018 is the turning point, the year we’ll look back on in the future as The Krasinski Curse breaker. Of course, I also assume my optimism will only strengthen the curse and I will look very foolish in about three days. Good luck, Jimothy.

Mad About Spielberg Blog Series (Parts I-IV)

On March 29, Steven Spielberg’s 32nd feature film, Ready Player One, will arrive in theaters. This is a significant debut to me personally for two reasons. One, I love the source material and Spielberg is undoubtedly the perfect choice to flesh out its magic on screen. Two, it’s a return to the kind of blockbuster filmmaking Spielberg made his name on and which we haven’t really seen from him in a decade or so. Anyone who knows me, has ever listened to this podcast, or has just been a stranger within ear reach of me in, like, a Quik Trip, knows I love Steven Spielberg. Spielberg is the definition of “director” to me. His filmography overflows with iconic, genre-defining, timeless films, many of which happen to be personal favorites. I’ve watched and studied Spielberg’s movies dozens and dozens of times to the point that I feel like I’ve graduated from the Steven Spielberg Film School and Professor Spielberg taught me everything I know about film, filmmaking, and film structure, not to mention human emotion.

So, as we prepare for Ready Player One, this felt like the perfect opportunity to go back through Spielberg’s entire filmography and rank his films. Now, listen, this is not a scientific study of Spielberg’s resume (which I would be glad to head up if there is grant money available). In an ideal world, we’d gather scores of Spielberg scholars, debate his films, and come up with the perfect algorithm to determine the proper order. Instead, it’s just me. I’ve watched all 31 films over the last few weeks and wrestled over their order as best I can. I’ll reveal my rankings over the course of this month, with the top ten dropping on the morning of Ready Player One’s debut.

This week, I present films 24-31 in the Spielberg Universe, a group of films that includes Spielberg’s very few actual bad movies, a couple that missed the mark by just a bit, and a couple of movies I just don’t personally care for. It should be noted that even this set of films, by my calculations Spielberg’s “worst”, have garnered 12 Oscar nominations and brought in almost two billion dollars. Not too shabby for the bottom of the barrel, right? Let’s kick this off with the movie I would most like to forget…

31. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Rotten Tomatoes: 77%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $317M ($786M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 0
As someone who values the role of criticism in film and generally approves of Rotten Tomatoes’ existence, you could make a fairly compelling case against both just by pointing to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I saw this abomination TWICE in its opening weekend; first because of wild enthusiasm and excitement and second because I had suffered greatly, and I wanted all my friends to suffer as well. (This is what true friendship is all about.) I won’t go into the ideas of bastardizing a childhood favorite or anything of that nature as that line of thinking has grown tiresome. Instead, I’ll point out that even on its own, even without any ties to the original Jones trilogy, even discounting all nostalgia or emotional connection I have to those previous films, Kingdom is a downright wretched film filled with wretched acting and a wretched “plot”, the script for which should’ve been burned in a bonfire long before development ever began on this movie. 

30. 1941 (1977)
Rotten Tomatoes: 33%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $31M ($92)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 3
This is one of three Spielberg films I hadn’t seen until I began the work on this project. Its reputation precedes it, of course, as even Spielberg himself acknowledges it to be a misstep. 1941 is what we’d call a “heat check” in a basketball game. Spielberg is coming off of the unbelievable successes of Jaws and Close Encounters and he’s headed into the Raiders and E.T. and right there in the middle he thought he could do anything. This is his ill-advised 35-foot jumpshot, a very bad spoof comedy that didn’t play well in 1977 and plays so, SO much worse in 2018. There are just way too many rape-y dudes in 1941 and while I know the intent was to satirize the tropes of both war movies and frat house flicks, satire might be THE thing Spielberg can’t do. As a result, the whole movie just feels kind of gross and completely unnecessary.

29. War Horse (2011)
Rotten Tomatoes: 76%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $79M ($177M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 6
This is where I’d draw the line between “bad” and “hate”. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and 1941 are actual bad movies; War Horse I just hate. I’d say I very hate War Horse if you’ll allow me the use of grammatically incorrect terminology. To be fair, I understand why others like this movie and I accept my place in the minority. (*Insert Tobias Funke, “There are dozens of us! Dozens!” gif*) There are some scenes and sequences within the movie, particularly the famous battlefield scene, that work quite well and I can see what attracted Spielberg to this property. But War Horse has two very big strikes against it in my book. Number one, I dislike horses. Yeah, I said it. If my livelihood depended on horses, I’m sure I’d figure out how to dislike them less. But as it stands, there are many great creatures on God’s green earth and horses aren’t one of them. So, you can see where a movie called War Horse might be a tough sell for me. Number two, and much more importantly, I think Jeremy Irvine is horrible in the lead role. His delivery on lines like, “Look ‘ere, Joey. I got a collar too” makes me cringe. This is, to me, the worst casting decision in any of Spielberg’s films, at least as far as top-billed performers go and it sinks the movie. 

28. The Lost World (1997)
Rotten Tomatoes: 53%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $229M ($618M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 1
The Lost World is, I think, the only real “Paycheck Movie” of Spielberg’s career. Jurassic Park (nearly literally) ruled the world, the audience was salivating for more, Michael Cricton’s book was a huge success, and the money was too much to pass on. I’m sure there was a part of Spielberg that wanted to return to the magic of his previous film but by his own admission, he quickly became disenchanted with the sequel experience and the lack of passion shows in the finished product. It’s a really dumb movie, to be frank, and the characters within it make a lot of really dumb choices. On the plus side, The Lost World still looks great, dinosaurs are always fun, and it’s the sort of dumb that you mostly forget about the second the movie ends. I rewatched Lost World for the first time in a decade in preparation for this writing. Throughout the entire movie, I kept thinking, “This is really, really stupid. Everything happening here is stupid.” And then the movie ended and maybe three minutes later, I thought, “Eh, that wasn’t so bad.” That feels like an achievement on some level or another.

27. Always (1987)
Rotten Tomatoes: 65%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $43M ($74M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 0
Another of the three Spielberg movies I hadn’t seen before this writing. On paper, Always sounds very Spielbergian: The spirit of a deceased pilot reaches from beyond the grave to emotionally connect with his former lover. Insert a John Williams score and bam! You’ve got a Spielberg movie. In execution, however, I think Always feels foreign to the rest of the Spielberg universe. The spiritual force that allows Richard Dreyfuss’ character to connect with Holly Hunter’s character lacks some magic and there’s little charm to the movie as a whole. It doesn’t help that the medium through which the two leads interact, former Marlboro Man Brad Johnson, has all the screen presence of a fichus. Still, the scene settings are excellent, and Spielberg uses both Hunter and a young-ish John Goodman exquisitely.

26. Duel (1973)
Rotten Tomatoes: 88%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): -
Oscar Nominations (Wins): -
The very first Spielberg movie, Duel was originally a made-for-TV-movie in 1971 that received a (mostly international) theatrical release two years later. Some of the terror of this movie has been mitigated over the last 45 years but the pace with which Spielberg draws out the simple plot works just as well now as it did in 1973. Dennis Weaver does an admirable job of conveying his character’s descent into madness but it’s the camera work that really brings home the true horror of the situation.

25. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
Rotten Tomatoes: 73%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $78M ($235M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 2
I hated this movie the first time I saw it. HATED it. Up to that point, I had never, even with Saving Private Ryan, even with Schindler’s List, walked out of a Spielberg movie feeling depressed like I was coming out of A.I. IT’S JUST SO BLOODY BLEAK. I wrote A.I. off as a Kubrick movie that Spielberg brought to screen as-is out of respect for his late friend and essentially pretended it didn’t exist until this writing. On second viewing, I confess I still don’t particularly like the movie but I understand it much more now than I did 17 years ago. I see the hints of Spielberg, even in the segments he himself says are entirely Kubrick’s design, and (*unpopular opinion alert*) I think Spielberg got the best performance out of Haley Joel Osment, even more so than his Oscar-nominated work in Sixth Sense. It’s still not an enjoyable movie and the final 20 minutes is rife with problems but somewhere in there I found myself connected to David in a way I wouldn’t have thought possible. That sense of attachment has Spielberg’s fingerprints all over it.

This week, we’re looking at films 18-24 in Spielberg’s filmography (by my estimation, of course). For me, this set of films illustrates Spielberg’s greatness in that I think most of these movies crack the personal top 10 list for almost any other director. Here we have some near misses, some odd projects, and a pair of acclaimed, Oscar-nominated dramas that don’t quite live up to the standard set by Spielberg’s best. And, of course, we have lots of aggressive farting as well. Can’t forget about the farting.

24. The BFG (2016)
Rotten Tomatoes: 75%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $55M ($183M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 0
The BFG combines strong source material (Roald Dahl), a solid child actor (Rubie Barnhill), beautiful visuals, and the brilliance of Mark Rylance. On the rewatch, I was awestruck at how well Rylance delivers the often clunky, ridiculous lines he’s given to work with and how much grace and eloquence he conveys through voice alone. So why doesn’t The BFG work? Why isn’t it better? It’s the farting. The farting is 100 percent to blame for The BFG grading out as a B/B- movie instead of an A movie. As I rewatched the movie, I was right in the middle of wondering to myself why I didn’t like The BFG more the first time around when all of sudden all the characters were afflicted with violent and explosive flatulence. “Oh, right. The farting.” On the plus side, this was my son’s favorite scene in the movie, so I guess that’s something.  

23. The Terminal (2004)
Rotten Tomatoes: 61%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $77M ($219M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 0
I have a soft spot for The Terminal and have always felt it was unfairly maligned. I get it, it’s soft and light and a little cheesy (perhaps a lot cheesy, depending on your perspective). But it’s been laughed away to an undesirable corner of the movie galaxy because it has the audacity to be…sweet? There’s an earnestness to Hanks’s performance that is perhaps too earnest but give me Earnest Tom Hanks Bumbling Around with a Weird Accent any day. The Terminal is far from a great movie but is it the fourth-worst movie of Spielberg’s career (as rated by Rotten Tomatoes)? Absolutely not. Free Krakozhia!

22. The Adventures of Tintin (2010)
Rotten Tomatoes: 74%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $77M ($373M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 1
I’ve long held Tintin up as the REAL fourth Indiana Jones movie. If nothing else, it found the spiritual wavelength connected to Indy that Crystal Skull couldn’t grab hold of. Tintin has everything you want from an action-adventure flick. Spielberg pushes the pace so well to keep the action flowing from one big set piece (albeit an animated set piece) to the next and the characters have a weight to them that’s missing from other mo cap animated films like The Polar Express. There’s still a little bit of weirdness to the whole production and the mo cap technology in general; sometimes you forget you’re watching a mo cap movie and then suddenly you’re staring into the eyes of an almost-real character and it’s very disconcerting. To me, that’s the only flaw of the film and what, I think, has led to it being overlooked. 

21. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $179M ($333M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): (1)
You know that thing where you watch a scary movie because you like that feeling of being simultaneously terrified and unable to look away? I don’t have that thing. Almost all scary movies to me are either very cheesy or so scary that I can’t sleep for days and I take no enjoyment in that either way. Temple of Doom is the closest I ever got to that scary movie experience, at least as a kid. There was a time when Temple played on TBS or TNT seemingly every weekend and every weekend, I would sit transfixed by the action-adventure portions of the film and unable to look away from the monkey brains and the baby snakes and the “KALI MAAAA!!!” All those viewings and it wasn’t until recently, maybe the last five years, that I realized Temple was a prequel. Maybe I’m dumb or maybe all the scarab eating broke my brain. Anyway, Temple is maybe half a great movie, a quarter good movie, and a quarter terrible movie but somehow those mismatched pieces work for me, probably because Harrison Ford appears to be having the greatest time of his life. 

20. The Sugarland Express (1975)
Rotten Tomatoes: 91%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $7.5M
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 0
This is the last of the three Spielberg movies I hadn’t seen before starting this project. Going in, I wondered if, this being Spielberg’s big screen debut, the positive buzz surrounding Sugarland was due to what the director became after the movie more so than the movie itself. We do that sometimes; we look at a debut film of a director or actor who became great and we say, “You could see it all the way back in his/her first film”, even though we really didn’t see that, we’re just projecting the belief that we did. Happily, however, I can honestly say you can, in fact, see “it” in Sugarland Express so long as you define “it” as that classic Spielberg feel. This is a really funny movie; it might be Spielberg’s funniest movie, actually. It’s a much more enjoyable, fun movie than it has any right to be, quite frankly. Within the first five minutes, you start to pick up on the Spielberg vibe and that carries through the entirety of the film, including the cinematography and the central theming.

19. Amistad (1997)
Rotten Tomatoes: 76%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $44M
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 4
A top-five Spielberg movie in terms of messaging and intention, Amistad is also one of the few spots in this filmography where the emotionality (one of Spielberg’s classic strengths) misses the mark a bit. Amistad is noble, it is well-cast, it includes a couple of stand-out performances, and it tells a story that matters. It’s also overwrought in places and that heavy-handedness, for me, unintentionally softens the impact of the material. This is one of the few times where I wish Spielberg would’ve let the scenes speak for themselves just a bit more. Also, Matthew McConaughey looks very silly in the costumes. This is a small complaint but it needs to be said. There’s a lot to be positive about with Amistad, particularly Djimon Hounsou and Anthony Hopkins, but it still feels like a missed opportunity.

18. Empire of the Sun (1988)
Rotten Tomatoes: 71%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $22M
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 6
I have always appreciated Empire of the Sun more than I actually like it. I’ve seen it fewer times than most of the movies on this list and even on the rewatch, I wasn’t enthralled by much of it. I think my lack of connection owes to the fact that the movie doesn’t have much of the patented Spielberg flair. You see it in spots: the casting and performance of young Christian Bale, the cinematography (once again), and two defining scenes (the slap and the reunion between child and parents), but overall, I think it lacks the signature stamps I expect from Spielberg. In essence, almost anyone, or at least anyone with a measure of talent, could’ve directed this movie. Empire of the Sun is, simply, a good movie. Nothing more but also nothing less. In some ways, that’s disappointing, especially as compared to the rest of Spielberg’s filmography. At the same time, however, if you need an indicator of Spielberg’s greatness, you could do worse than, “His 18th best movie garnered six (deserved) Academy Awards and its main issue is that it’s only sorta special, not SUPER special.”

This week, we’re looking at the Spielberg films that fall just outside of consideration for his best, numbers 11 through 17. Sorting this set of movies out and ranking them was quite difficult, much more so than the previous two sets. We ran out of straight-up bad movies some time ago and have now gotten through the, “average to above average” group as well. These are all good to very good movies (again, by my estimation only) and it’s beginning to come down to personal attachment and the splitting of hairs on tiny flaws. As I wrote this section of my rankings, the bottom of the list and the top stayed the same but I shuffled the five films in between a half-dozen times and I’m still not completely happy with where I ended up. Nevertheless, it’s printing day and I must deliver my battle cry (BANGARANG!) and tarry on.

17. War of the Worlds (2003)
Rotten Tomatoes: 74%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $234M ($591M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 3
If, like me, you exercise selective memory regarding Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, you could consider War of the Worlds to be Spielberg’s last big blockbuster movie. 15 years between true live-action popcorn movies is quite a feat for a man who made his name on blockbusters, so much so that his “serious” films had trouble gaining credibility with critics in the mid-80’s and early 90’s. Much like Empire of the Sun (and this will be the last time I use this defense, I promise), I feel like War of the Worlds’ relatively low placement on this list is an indicator of how great Spielberg’s filmography really is. All around, this is nothing but an extremely solid, reliable, consistent action flick starring the greatest action star the world has ever seen. (Tom Cruise haters form an orderly queue to the left and I’ll deal with each of you individually right after I finish running shirtless and climbing up a skyscraper for no real reason whatsoever.) I hadn’t seen War of the Worlds in 10 years before beginning this project and on the rewatch, I found it to be EXACTLY as I had remembered it, having neither appreciated or depreciated in value during the gap in viewings. There are some great sequences and maybe the thing that works best of all is the Jaws­-like treatment of the aliens. Spielberg keeps them at a distance, I think, because the CGI wasn’t great and in doing so, he lets the tension boil a bit so that the reveal of a more practical effect (the snake thing in the basement) is an edge-of-your-seat moment.

16. Lincoln (2012)
Rotten Tomatoes: 90%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $182M ($275M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 12 (2)
Lincoln occupies a strange, perhaps unique, space in the Spielberg Universe in that it is very good, very Spielbergian, and yet I don’t love it. I don’t ever rewatch Lincoln and honestly, I rarely even think about Lincoln. That’s not an indictment of its quality. Lincoln deserves all of the accolades and award nominations it received, and it is a worthy representation of this country’s greatest president. The acting is exquisite, Spielberg structured the movie perfectly, and the back story of his pursuit of Daniel Day Lewis, for me, enriches the dynamic between director and actor that you see on screen. So why don’t I love it? I think it comes down to the fact that Lincoln is, after all, a biopic. A great biopic, perhaps the greatest biopic (no research done here) of the biopic era, but a biopic nonetheless. And biopics bore me, quite frankly. I can accept that my connection to this movie (or lack thereof) is indicative not of the film’s quality but of my own personal taste and preference. As such, Lincoln is one of the few films on this list where the difference between “favorite” and “best” plays a significant role. I’d push it further up the “best” list and further down the “favorite” list and thus, here it sits, somewhere in the happy middle.

15. Hook (1991)
Rotten Tomatoes: 29%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $119M ($300M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 5
There is no greater disparity between critical consensus and viewer appreciation in the Spielberg Universe than Hook and I am not happy about it. I was nine when Hook debuted, and I loved it for a million reasons. Peter Pan’s super cool sword, Rufio’s general Rufio-ness, Hoffman’s terrifying-yet-charmingly-flamboyant portrayal, my crush on Tinkerbell/Julia Roberts… I loved it then and I love it now. It was many years before I discovered that Old People (who, according to Hook and I agree, are fart factories) banded together and decided Hook was not great and in fact was very bad, I can only assume because they all forgot how to fly. Even now, at 35, when I watched Hook with my son for the first time, I found myself falling in love all over again, this time as an adult who longed to be young again, if only so that my knees would operate correctly. It is, perhaps, impossible for me to look at this movie objectively and without the sense of nostalgic wonder attached to it but I stand by Nine-Year-Old Brian’s assessment: Hook is awesome and I wish the Boo Box upon anyone who disagrees. 

14. Bridge of Spies (2015)
Rotten Tomatoes: 91%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $72M ($165M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 6 (1)
I wasn’t overly impressed by Bride of Spies the first time around. It’s very good, very well-made, but it felt slightly less-inspired than most of Spielberg’s previous ventures into historical drama. Originally, I thought it was impeccable on the performance side but lacking in the story department and as such, I walked away a little disappointed. I think that has something to do with my fascination with The Cold War, and spy craft in general, which led to an unreasonable expectation that wasn’t met. Spielberg! Hanks! The Cold War! Spies! *I turn into a Tommy Boy-esque ball of energy* On the rewatch, however, I was much more in tune with the actual story than I was the first time around and even more impressed with the way Hanks and Rylance brought that story home. This isn’t a le Carre and I was foolish to expect Spielberg to give me a le Carre. Instead, he gave me a touching, honest, heartfelt look at a relationship between two ill-fitting friends that just happens to play out over the course of the Cold War. This is a very good movie that deserved more of my affection than I previously gave it and for that, I apologize. As a side note, the poster for Bridge of Spies is very bad and I don’t think that helped my initial impression as I will DEFINITELY judge a book by its cover without any hesitation.

13. The Post (2017)
Rotten Tomatoes: 88%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $81M ($162M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 2
There are some quibbles to be had with The Post and its placement this high on the list is bound to draw some heat (assuming that literally anyone reads and cares about my rankings which I highly doubt). For me, however, having considered the film’s flaws at length, I’ve determined that they ultimately take away next to nothing from the overall strength of the film. I think this is a movie we’ll look back on with much more fondness than the cursory glance we gave it in the moment. The Post has a great sense of importance about it (perhaps that’s a flaw in your eyes, which I understand) but, and this is a very significant point in its favor for me, it’s also a great deal of fun to watch. Historical dramas aren’t often “fun” but the way Streep, Hanks, and the superb supporting cast all operate within the film’s general air of significance gives the movie much more life than I expected. On top of that, I genuinely think this is one of Spielberg’s best directorial efforts, maybe top five. It’s a masterclass in camera manipulation, in scene setting, in framing your characters, etc. I almost cried just watching the camera move through the newsroom and the impeccably edited extended sequence in Ben Bradlee’s house is immaculate. For me, The Post is some punched-up dialogue and one or two edits away from a perfect movie and puts all of Spielberg’s virtues on full display.  

12. The Color Purple (1985)
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $98M
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 11
I’ve seen The Color Purple only twice: Once in college when I truly started to digest film instead of just watching movies (the most pretentious sentence ever uttered, I apologize) and wanted to catch up on all the films of my favorite directors, and then a second time while working on this project. It’s a powerful film, based on an even more powerful source material, brought to life by an incredible cast and Spielberg’s impeccable understanding of his audience. That’s the key with Spielberg, isn’t it? No one keeps a finger on the pulse of his viewers like Spielberg does and I feel like that’s on full display with The Color Purple. In the hands of another director, this movie becomes unbearably bleak. Like, Precious-levels of bleak; like, Monster’s Ball-levels of bleak; like, “Lock yourself in a closet and sob for days”-levels of bleak. I think Spielberg knows that, in order for the movie to succeed, he has to keep his audience from dipping below the Lars Von Trier Bleakness Point of No Return. What strikes me most about The Color Purple is not the happy ending offered to Celie in the final act but rather this inkling of hope that pervades the entirety of the film. You have no reason to believe that literally anything good is ever going to happen to this poor woman but there’s a hint of it in almost every scene. Without this tiny speck of hope, the happy ending doesn’t really matter because the audience has already given up and locked themselves in their respective closets before it ever plays out on screen.

11. Munich (2005)
Rotten Tomatoes: 77%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $47M ($130M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 5
Munich is an extremely complicated movie and as a result, it’s difficult to write about. It is supposed to be, in Spielberg’s own words, a “prayer for peace” and yet, for most of its runtime, it plays out like anything but. Vengeance is not a virtue in the Spielberg Universe and in fact, it’s not even present in most of his movies. It’s touched on here and there, most notably Corporal Upham’s redemption of sorts in Saving Private Ryan, but never as a central theme and never glorified. Munich goes off the track in this regard. I don’t think there’s any way around calling Munich an angry film, another emotion that doesn’t typically feature prominently in Spielberg’s filmography. Eric Bana’s character is reluctant in his anger, in his quest for vengeance, but he acts on it nonetheless, often in brutal, unforgiveable ways. One of the things that I love about Spielberg movies is seeing myself, or my emotions, in the characters on screen; he’s a master at putting you in the shoes of the characters. At the risk of speaking for someone whom I will never meet, I think Munich is Spielberg turning this patented dynamic in on himself. It’s a fantastic film that tries, sometimes unsuccessfully, to wade into increasingly choppy waters and its virtues are plentiful. But to me, what makes Munich great, almost transcendent, is the feeling that the film is a personification of Spielberg wrestling with himself, of his attempts to reconcile his anger with his desire for peace.

Well, this is it. Tonight I’m headed to see Ready Player One with my friends and after much painstaking consideration and consternation, I’m ready to present my top ten Spielberg movies. This was much more of a process than I anticipated as choosing between these films became more and more difficult. To me, there are two tiers here: eight through ten could’ve been slotted in any order and one through seven could’ve come out in any order. Just know I thought long and hard about all of my choices and that I will probably regret them all within a week or so. Regardless, through the course of this project, the object of picking the best or my favorite or the top Spielberg movie became less important than just basking in the greatness of the man’s entire resume. By any metric you want to look at (131 total Oscar nominations, 34 Oscar wins, 80% average on Rotten Tomatoes, $9.8 billion at the global box office, countless hours of entertainment), Spielberg has accomplished as much if not more than any of his contemporaries and cemented himself as a film voice of multiple generations. Thanks, Mr. Spielberg, for all your hard work. Enjoy.

10. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
Rotten Tomatoes: 96%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $135M ($306M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 9 (2)
Last summer, when we did a throwback review of Close Encounters, I was able to see it on the big screen for the first time. In truth, it may have been the very first time I had seen it all the way through, from start to finish, instead of in bits and pieces. I was in awe of the scope of the story, the magic of the effects, and the breathtaking third act when all the parts come together, and you suddenly feel like you yourself are a part of this meeting of races. I’m an easy movie-crier so it should come as no surprise that the experience of watching this movie in that setting for the first time left me a little weepy. And that score! Oh, that score. Close Encounters is a wondrous movie and in hindsight, it gives a hint of what will become Spielberg tropes and themes for the next forty-plus years of filmmaking. If I had a criticism, it would the final few moments when we actually get a reveal on the aliens. Were it up to me (and not the two-time Best Directing Oscar recipient because what does that guy know?), I would’ve left the aliens themselves as a mystery. Even still, that’s a half point deduction off the score of an otherwise perfect film.

9. Minority Report (2002)
Rotten Tomatoes: 91%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $132M ($358M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 1
Minority Report has aged much better than its reputation. It’s become extremely underrated both in terms of overall quality and its impact on the sci-fi genre. Even I, when I went to work on this list, had it slotted a few notches lower than it ultimately landed. But on the rewatch, I was wholly reminded of what an outstanding bit of filmmaking this is and how great Spielberg is at world building. Near-future sci-fi is very difficult to pull off but within five, maybe ten minutes you have a complete sense of the world in which Chief John Anderton operates in and it feels completely authentic. There are a few spots in which the effects and lighting look their age, but I write that off as the tax paid for making a high-concept, visually compelling film during the worst era for computer generated effects. (Compare the worst spots of Minority Report to the worst spots of almost any other sci-fi movie made between 1999 and 2004 and you’ll see what I mean.) Minority Report combines fun with depth exquisitely and Spielberg gets the absolute most of out of Tom Cruise. Also of great interest to me, this is the best instance of Spielberg flipping his patented move, a child dealing with an absent or emotionally distant father, to put the focus on a father attempting to piece his life together in the wake of the loss of a child. That’s significant and the emotional core of Minority Report strikes even harder coming from Spielberg than it might have otherwise. 

8. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Rotten Tomatoes: 88%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $197M ($474M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 3 (1)
This is the first non-kids movie I can remember seeing in theaters adding to my fondness for an already outstanding, obscenely fun movie. (A few weeks later my dad took me to see Batman in theaters so the Summer of 1989 was pretty bangin’.) Raiders of the Lost Ark (see below) is one of the greatest movies ever made but Last Crusade is, objectively, more fun, perhaps the purest embodiment of what an adventure movie should be. Harrison Ford, in the final days of his first franchise phase, radiates so much charisma and gravitas that even as a six-year-old, I was just instantaneously all in on anything and everything he was doing. Now, having seen these movies dozens of times each, I greatly appreciate the small ways in which Crusade is tied into Raiders but appreciate even more the ways in which it works on its own. You could take show this movie to someone who has never seen an Indiana Jones movie and, in fact, has no concept of who the character is at all, and he/she could enjoy it just as much as a hardcore Indy fan could have in 1989. That’s an awesome quality that a lot of franchise films miss out on these days. Crusade is paced perfectly, Sean Connery is remarkable, and I’m not sure you ask more from a third act than what is delivered here.

7. Catch Me If You Can (2002)
Rotten Tomatoes: 96%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $164M ($352M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 2
I have said before and I’m sure I will say again: the older I get, the more I love Catch Me If You Can. Literally, with every single viewing (an annual event in my household, as commanded in the ancient scrolls), its greatness increases in my mind. By the time I’m 50, I’m sure I’ll be trumpeting this as the best movie ever made. Every detail of this movie is impeccable and the DiCaprio-Hanks pairing is probably my favorite relationship displayed within any of Spielberg’s films. That’s just perfect casting, friends; PERFECT. And let’s not forget about the great supporting cast, a beautiful score that matches the protagonist’s mischievous deeds and deep-seeded loneliness, and the way Spielberg fleshed out phenomenal source material. This is the “smallest” of the films left on this list but before we head into “bigger” territory, the stuff that Spielberg made his name on in many cases, let me say just how it is REMARKABLE that the same guy who is capable of making five or six of the biggest blockbusters ever in the history of film could also stop down and make a Catch Me If You Can. That range is Steph Curry on a court with no defenders-esque (sports!).

6. Jaws (1975)
Rotten Tomatoes: 97%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $260M ($470M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 4 (3)
The movie that started it all and remains to this day one of the four or five most influential films of the last half-century or so. Jaws is a miracle, a lightning in a bottle experience wherein even the mistakes and mishaps actually made the movie better. Imagine that movie with the mechanical shark showing up right off the bat instead of two-thirds of the way through. That was the plan until the shark wouldn’t work in salt water and Spielberg had to restructure the shots on the fly. You could call it lucky, and you’d be right, but a young, brash Steven Spielberg was also wise enough to recognize that without the shark, the only to build tension was to keep the shark hidden, to make it a 20-foot boogeyman with horribly-large teeth, as it were. Jaws spawned the rise of the summer blockbuster as well as Shark Week, which is quite the achievement in and of itself. I’ve seen Jaws dozens and dozens of times and still, to this day, I find it utterly terrifying and it’s even worse on a big screen. And yet, it’s a magnificent thrill ride that still looks amazing almost 45 years later. Other directors could’ve done the scary bits of Jaws but I don’t think many people could pace it out nearly as well as Spielberg did nor added in the human parts (Quint and Hooper trading drunken stories in the galley, Brody’s son in the pond, etc.) as effectively as Spielberg did, on what was his first big-budget feature. I must blame him, however, for my abject fear of the water, because one of the taglines for Jaws was, “You’ll Never Go in the Water Again!” and it turns out that is very true for one Brian Gill. THE OCEAN IS NOT OUR HOME.

*NOTE: I have now developed an ulcer over choosing how to rank the final films on this list. I love four of the five dearly and the other is unquestionably GREAT and it seems unfair to have to choose any of them over the others. Whoever made me do this should be ashamed of themselves. Oh right, it was me, I chose to undertake this project and now I hate myself for it. Carry on.*

5. E.T. (1982)
Rotten Tomatoes: 98%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $435M ($792M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 9 (4)
Both the first Spielberg movie I ever saw and the first I ever loved, having no idea how much of an impact this man would have on my pop-culture consciousness over the next 30 years. There are some people who can’t understand the brilliance, the magic, the beauty of E.T. (perhaps you’re in that boat) and I genuinely feel bad for those people. Like, I’m not even mad, I just feel like there’s a hole in your life that E.T. wants so badly to fix with his illuminated, Julius Erving-like finger, and you just won’t let him. To me, it’s kind of like saying, “I’m not a big fan of golden retrievers.” WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT A FAN OF GOLDEN RETRIEVERS?! What is it you don’t like?! Their loveable-ness? Their unstoppable devotion to human kind?! I know, I digress, but I don’t understand your disdain for golden retrievers, man. Anyway, E.T. is the quintessential Spielberg movie; everything I love about him, his style, his sensibilities, can be found within the runtime of this movie and even if he’s made better movies (he has and perhaps he will again, who knows), I think this will forever remain the most Spielberg movie. Every viewing makes me feel like a kid and fills me with a sense of wonder. That’s a very cliché thing to say about a movie you loved as a child but sometimes clichés are true. E.T. is perfect, Spielberg is perfect, golden retrievers are perfect.

4. Schindler’s List (1993)
Rotten Tomatoes: 97%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $96M ($321M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 12 (7)
Without question, this was the hardest movie to slot on this entire list and I wrestled over its placement right up until the last minute.

Here are some things that work in this movie’s favor:

1. It tells an INCREDIBLE story that truly, TRULY matters;

2. It tells that incredible story that truly matters in a stunning, powerful, gut-wrenching manner (Spielberg, I think, understands that it’s not enough to tell a great story, you also have to tell it in a great way or else the meaning gets muddled);

3. It legitimately might be the actual BEST movie of the last 25 years. I’m not necessarily making that argument but as my friend Richard says, if you bring this movie to the table as the best, you’re not getting laughed out of the conversation.

Here are some things that work against this movie:

1. I do not ever want to watch it. This is the only movie in the Spielberg filmography that I didn’t watch or rewatch before writing because I feel like I might have one more viewing left in me in my lifetime and I should probably save it for when my son is old enough to see it so he doesn’t have to watch it alone;

2. It does not feel like a Spielberg movie, really. That’s not a complaint or a criticism, by the way; Schindler’s List very much needs to be set apart, not just from Spielberg’s other movies but from
all movies in order to give the viewer a real sense of what took place.

3. Again, I do not ever want to watch it again.

Schindler’s List is an actual masterpiece. It is, I think quite clearly, the best movie Spielberg has ever made and its significance cannot be overstated. When I watched the Spielberg documentary on HBO last fall, the closing sequence of Schindler’s, with the survivors and their family all walking by Schindler’s grave, absolutely wrecked me and reminded me of the sheer power of that film. But feel, rewatchability, and genuine love all have a place in the internal discussion that went into creating this list and for those reasons, I have to keep the next three films ahead of it on my own personal ranking.

*NOTE: I was feeling pretty bad about not putting Schindler’s at the top of this list just based on its objective greatness and meaning. So, on our Patreon page, I asked our VIP’s to list their top three Spielberg movies and literally none of them mentioned Schindler. For some reason, this helped me feel justified in its placement here. I am a sheep. Baaa.*

3. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Rotten Tomatoes: 92%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $216M ($481M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 11 (5)
This gets my vote for the greatest war movie ever made and I cannot be dissuaded from my position. Private Ryan is, like the next movie on this list, one of the five most significant, memorable in-theater experiences of my life. I will never forget that opening sequence nor the sense of actually being in a war that came along with it. The entire sequence (something like 17 minutes long) is simultaneously haunting and mesmerizing; I couldn’t look away though I left somewhat scarred by it. Even still, I find this movie to be very rewatchable and I do so every year on or around Memorial Day. I think it works on that level because of the time and craft put into developing the soldiers of 2nd Ranger Battalion as actual characters and not just instruments of war. Private Ryan is an ensemble piece, really, that transpires on the battlefield, and you’re not just invested in the characters because of who or what they represent. Barry Pepper’s Private Jackson is one of my five favorite supporting characters in any movie ever; I’m not sure you get genuine care and concern like that six soldiers down the list in most war movies. So you’ve got these great characters and then you put them in situations that are perfectly staged and shot, but, of course, extremely hazardous to the characters you care so much about…and then you watch them die. And suddenly, you’re in the fight and you’re getting a tiny taste of the horrors of war. Private Ryan is a hard movie to watch and it tears at my heart every time I do so but Spielberg’s understanding of character and human interaction keeps me coming back every year.

2. Jurassic Park (1993)
Rotten Tomatoes: 92%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $402M ($1.02B)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): (3)
Jurassic Park is THE single most memorable theater experience of my life and I doubt that will ever change. I was 10, I had read Michael Cricton’s book, and I was pumped up beyond any reasonable measure to the point that there was no way the movie could possibly live up to my expectations…and somehow, it blew them away. This movie is monument to blockbuster filmmaking, a master class in how to craft a smart-but-not-self-serious crowd pleaser. Truly, 25 years later, Jurassic Park remains the gold standard for blockbusters. You can watch this movie and say, “This is how you do exposition”; “This is how you explain scientific jargon effectively”; “This is how you merge practical effects and CGI.” Every time I rewatch Jurassic Park, I am utterly blown away by how INCREDIBLE the movie still looks. It’s unreal, honestly, given where we were at with computer technology in 1993, not to mention the fact that Spielberg was working on the post-production for this movie while filming Schindler’s List. (Who else could do that, seriously?) It’s the weight and the scale of the dinosaurs that pours through the screen (and the speakers) which sets the movie apart. But it’s also really well-cast, a very underrated feature of the movie in my opinion, Spielberg’s scene-setting is uncanny, and the pace is masterful. This is a movie I cannot wait to watch with my son and I love knowing that it’s going to hold up even when he has a kid of his own.

1. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Rotten Tomatoes: 94%
Domestic Box Office (Total Box Office): $248M ($389M)
Oscar Nominations (Wins): 9 (5)
When I outlined this piece at the outset of my viewings and rewatches, I had Raiders lower on the list. Top ten for sure but definitely not number one. Then I rewatched it again for the first time in a few years and thought, “Oh, right, this movie is all kinds of great.” It wasn’t like a lightbulb moment, just a gentle prompt in the back of my mind reminding me that this was, indeed, the rightful number one. Indiana Jones is, of course, one of the all-time iconic characters in film and while George Lucas deserves some credit for creating him and Harrison Ford deserves even more credit for portraying him, we can’t forget to give Spielberg his due credit for presenting him. In 15 minutes, you feel like you know more about who Indiana Jones is than you know about most of your closest friends and you also know he is the coolest person on the planet. He’s not without his flaws, he’s not a superhero, but that makes him cooler somehow. Raiders is (again) a masterclass in pacing and Spielberg mans the Adventure Movie wheel with remarkable ease, taking you from place to place, situation to situation, with deftness and style, always accompanied by the exquisite score. Karen Allen is absolutely fantastic and proves the perfect counterpart for Ford. Raiders is the greatest adventure movie of all-time (indisputable, I’m sorry), it is iconic in every sense of the word, and, most importantly, it embodies the spirit of what a Spielberg movie is supposed to be, carried through from the very first frame to the very last.

Movie Rankings 2017

A+
Baby Driver
Get Out
Dunkirk
The Post
Logan
Thor Ragnarok
Coco

A
Big Sick
Lady Bird
I, Tonya
Spider-Man Homecoming
A Ghost Story
Disaster Artist
Blade Runner 2049
Star Wars The Last Jedi
War for the Planet of the Apes
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Wonder Woman
Brigsby Bear

A-
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
American Made
The Lego Batman Movie
Darkest Hour
Wind River
Molly's Game
Spielberg
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
All the Money in the World
Logan Lucky
Detroit
The Fate of the Furious
Mudbound

B+
Colossal
The Shape of Water
Life
John Wick 2
Hero
Their Finest
Beauty and the Beast
Murder on the Orient Express
The Wall
Ingrid Goes West
Stronger
Battle of the Sexes

B
Atomic Blonde
Kong: Skull Island
Table 19
Cars 3
Split
Jungle
Despicable Me 3
Alien Covenant
Downsizing

B-
LEGO Ninjago
The Lost City of Z
The Foreigner
Ghost in the Shell

C+
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
The Florida Project
Phantom Thread
Free Fire
The House
The Greatest Showman
Brad's Status

C
American Assassin
The Mummy
Wilson
XXX: Return of Xander Cage
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tale

C-
The Dark Tower
It Comes at Night
The Great Wall

D
The Killing of a Sacred Deer
Bright
Suburbicon
All Eyez on Me
Power Rangers
Valerian
Justice League

F
Geostorm
The Book of Henry
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Baywatch
Mother!
The Emoji Movie
The Circle
Transformers: The Last Knight
 

Favorite 10 Performances of 2017

HONORABLE MENTION: James Franco, The Disaster Artist

10. Comic Book Movie Standouts – Gal Gadot, Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, Michael Keaton and Tom Holland

9. Steve Zahn, War for the Planet of the Apes

8. Adam Driver, Logan Lucky 

7. Mark Hamill, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

6. Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep, The Post

5. Holly Hunter, The Big Sick

4. Mark Rylance, Dunkirk

3. Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water

2. Margot Robbie, I, Tonya 

1. Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour

Worst Movies of 2017

I need to say up front that 2017 was a bangin’ year for film. Maybe the box office totals were down and maybe there aren’t many (or any) truly great, transcendent films. But overall, 2017 consistently delivered movies both big and small that were at worst decent and at best very, very good. As such, I think I handed out “failing” grades to fewer films this year than I have in any other year in recent memory. When I sat down to make this list, I had only a dozen movies or so I felt truly deserved mention here, a far cry from years past when at times I think I had more bad films to sort through than good (looking at you, 2016). Some other blockbusters disappointed, some indie movies fell flat but in the grand scheme of things, most of the sins committed by the movies not included here were forgivable (or at least forgettable). That said, you can’t see 80-odd movies in a year without taking in some that are truly awful and so, here we are.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:
Power Rangers (Dacre Montgomery, Naomi Scott, Elizabeth Banks)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 44%
In March, I wouldn’t have dreamed there was any possibility of Power Rangers finishing outside the worst 10 of the year but here we are. You did it, 2017! Way to go! I missed the Power Rangers bandwagon by a couple years as a kid so there is no built-in nostalgia for me here. As a result, all I can see is Elizabeth Banks cashing ‘dem checks and a multitude of cheese-laden action scenes that all-too-well resemble the cringe-y-ness of the TV show. Also, I think one of the Power Rangers gets killed by being dropped in water for maybe six seconds? *Shrug*

All Eyez On Me (Demetrius Shipp Jr., Hill Harper)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 17%
I’m no friend of the biopic but I get the need for this treatment regarding Tupac. Even a halfway decent Tupac movie would’ve felt worthwhile, I think. Unfortunately, this isn’t halfway decent or a quarterway decent. It seems like the main goal of director Benny Boom was to find someone who basically looked like Tupac and just let the rest figure itself out. If you’re curious, this is NOT the preferred approach to filmmaking taught in most film schools.

10. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 49%
I imagine the pitch for Valerian went something like, “Did you enjoy The Fifth Element 20 years ago? What if we made it 30 percent worse and replaced Gary Oldman and Bruce Willis for Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne?” French investors heard that dynamite sales pitch and threw TRUCKLOADS of money at Luc Besson who delivered to them exactly what they were promised: an awful, unnecessary “epic” bolted to the ground by brutal acting and Besson’s ADHD-riddled approach to screenwriting. As it turned out, literally no one in the world wanted this movie except for Besson and his investors.

9. Justice League (Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Henry Cavill)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 40%
Look, on the one hand, a movie featuring Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman (at the height of her power) should never find itself on a “worst of the year” list. That should be impossible. So, that’s not great and once again, Warner Brothers has demonstrated their complete inability to understand the market in which they operate. On the other hand, Justice League is infinitely better than Batman V Superman so…congratulations?

8. The Book of Henry (Naomi Watts, Jaeden Lieberher, Dean Norris)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 21%
I honestly don’t even know how to describe this movie. There isn’t a single three-minute stretch within Book of Henry where I didn’t find myself looking cock-eyed at the screen, saying, “Wait, what?” to myself. Here’s my best analogy: You know on Friends when Rachel is in charge of the Thanksgiving dessert and she makes a traditional English trifle but the pages are stuck together so she accidentally makes half of an English trifle and half of a meat pie? Book of Henry feels is that Trifle Pie. For 45 minutes, Colin Treverrow was making a little family drama about a genius kid who dies tragically. And then someone slipped in the wrong script and the rest of the movie is an espionage thriller wherein (and you cannot make this up) the dead child, from beyond the grave, walks his very dumb (this is noted VERY HEAVILY) mother through the murder of a neighbor. It’s just as terrible as it sounds but I would definitely watch a 30 for 30 on how in the world this got made if anyone wants to make that film for me, thanks.

7. Geostorm (Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abby Cornish)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 13%
I legitimately forgot Geostorm came out in 2017 which is fitting considering it’s been in “development” for about a decade. There were some signs as to how bad this movie would be. Number one, Roland Emmerich wouldn’t direct Dean Devlin’s script so Dean did the movie himself. If Roland Emmerich is like, “Nah, this doesn’t sound so good” you should probably cut bait. Number two, Gerard Butler agreed to star. If Gerard Butler believes your movie fits his filmography, you should probably cut bait. Number three, once Gerard Butler was cast, he was surrounded by the most “Bad Disaster Movie” cast ever. If I was TRYING to make a bad Gerard Butler movie (redundant), Jim Sturgess, Abby Cornish, and Andy Garcia would be my first three calls. Also, it should be noted that the titular geostorm doesn’t happen until maybe 90 minutes into the movie. Great calls all around.

6. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (Charlie Hunnam, Astrid Berges-Frisbey, Jude Law)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 29%
Why is it so hard to make a good King Arthur movie? We’ve had motion pictures for something like 120 years and Arthurian legend has leaked its way into every corner of pop culture and yet, still, there isn’t a single Arthur film worth watching that isn’t a cartoon (Sword in the Stone) or a comedy (Monty Python and the Holy Grail). This doesn’t seem too difficult and yet, here we are. Guy Ritchie’s take is muddled and messy in all the wrong ways and doesn’t even have the decency to feel like a Guy Ritchie movie. Instead of the quick-paced action and vaguely quip-y dialogue that make Ritchie movies interesting even when they’re not good, we got this epically stupid and lifeless rendition which hinges ENTIRELY on the presence of a giant snake. Because, as you know, the best part of every Arthurian legend is when the giant snake shows up to be his buddy.

5. Baywatch (Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 18%
I admit, I had limited expectations for most of the movies on this list. The bar was low and somehow, these properties brought it lower. But Baywatch should have worked. Maybe that sounds crazy but in a post-21 Jump Street world, a movie starring The Rock and Zac Efron playing on the inherent idiocy of the source material should’ve been a blast. Alas, Seth Gordon and his team of writers forgot the most important ingredient in this recipe: humor. If your send-up comedy doesn’t have any inherent comedy, you wind up with something like Baywatch that bombed hard with critics and audiences alike.

4. Mother! (Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 69%
There were worse movies in 2017, to be sure, and in fact, I’ve seen Mother! on far more “Best” lists than “Worst” lists. I have tried to see the virtues of this film and can vaguely wrap my head around a few of the positives the film’s disciples have espoused. But I hate this movie. I hate this movie more than any other I saw this year. I hate this movie so much that I’m risking a rage stroke even writing about it now, four months after my first (and only, with ANY luck) viewing. I hate this movie so much that if I could’ve found a way to list it at number one on this list without giving off the appearance of clickbait, I would have done so. How this movie got anything resembling a wide release is one of the year’s greatest mysteries. Mother! is a steaming pile of self-indulgent nonsense cobbled together into something resembling a Christ allegory but without the slightest hint of subtlety. When deciding whether or not a movie is good, I always ask myself, “Was a baby eaten by an insane mob that shows up out of nowhere at any point in this movie?” And if the answer is yes, then the movie is not good. It is very not good. Congratulations to Darren Aronofsky on creating the first movie to ever answer that question with a resounding, “Yes! Yes, this movie DOES involve a baby getting eaten by an insane mob that shows up out of nowhere!” My heart is now filled with hate once more and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

3. The Emoji Movie (TJ Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 9%
This one has to take the prize for, “Most Unnecessary Movie of the Year.” But that’s kind of expected, you know? Worst case scenario, I should’ve walked out of Emoji saying, “Well that was completely dumb and unnecessary but harmless.” But no! The team behind this one took it a step further to ensure that not only is this movie dumb and unnecessary, it is also unblinkingly cynical and grim. Sure, it ends with a faux-happy little bow but the in the process of getting there, it takes your kids on one of the most depressing, needlessly dark rides imaginable in a throw-away animated movie. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE ALL WANT FROM A MOVIE ABOUT SMILEY FACES!

2. The Circle (Emma Watson, John Boyega, Tom Hanks)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 16%
Woo, boy. I read The Circle a few years ago and thought it was an interesting-if-underwhelming book that would make a great movie. I was, uh…I was very wrong. This is one of those movies where I knew probably three minutes in that I was in for something special. The opening scene is cringe-worthy and it is perhaps the best scene of the movie. The script is bad, the pacing is worse, and the bulk of the film depends entirely on Emma Watson who just isn’t up for the challenge. At a certain point, it appears that everyone involved realized they had a stinker on their hands and simply gave up. I can’t blame them.

1. Transformers: The Last Knight (Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel)
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 16%
Now, listen, I understand that at this point, no one should have ANY expectations for a Transformers movie beyond “terrible.” Michael Bay has now proven, time and again, that he doesn’t care about anything but explosions and racially insensitive characterizations and thus, we pretty much know what we’re going to get before heading in. Even still, even with an expectation that borders on, “Literally nothing. Literally just, can you make a movie that won’t leave me looking for a hotline to call?” EVEN UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES, Transformers: The Last Knight is the stuff of Bad Movie Legend. It is a 150-minute assault on the viewer that posits such important questions as, “What if the Transformers killed Hitler?” and, “What if Merlin was a drunk who summoned the Transformers to help King Arthur?” and, “What if we semi-sexualize a 12-year-old girl?” Transformers: The Last Knight is an historically awful movie that is more aggressive in its stupidity than almost any other movie I have ever seen in my life.

Top 25 Movies of 2017

Despite a weak box office total, I found 2017 to be an excellent year for film overall. The summer movies didn’t deliver as expected, Star Wars wasn’t as well received as we’d all hoped, and there may not have been a singular all-time great movie to hang our collective hats on. But, in terms of the number of high quality films that were (mostly) available to wide audiences throughout the year, I’m not sure we could’ve asked for me. I’ve been writing about film and tracking my grades/reviews since 2004. In that time, I don’t think I’ve ever given out more than four “A+” grades in a single year. I gave out seven in 2017. In addition, there were any number of “A’s” and “A-‘s” this year, unmatched by any year in recent memory. As such, when I sat down to write my Top 10 list, I realized there were far more than 10 films that I really wanted to highlight and talk about (as if I don’t get enough time to do just that on the stupid podcast).

So, I put together a Top 25, which is both a nice, solid number and the clear line of demarcation between the films I absolutely had to talk about and the rest of the pack. Today I present to you, dear readers, numbers 11 through 25, withholding my top 10 for the podcast (recording this weekend). I’ll publish the remainder of this list next week once the podcast episode has had some time to breath. Here we go.

25. Molly’s Game – Jessica Chastain, Idris Elba, Michael Cera
I made a point of holding off on the writing and formation of this list until I had seen Molly’s Game and I’m glad I did. Much like Wind River (see below), this movie is the directorial debut of a noted screenwriter (Aaron Sorkin) and at times, you can see the filmmaker’s novice on display. Chastain, however, is a force to be reckoned with, right at home with Sorkin’s famously fast paced, quip-y dialogue. The sheer magnetism of her persona covers up a multitude of sins and Sorkin’s script does an excellent job of highlighting the right parts of the source material without letting it get bogged down in the more detail than absolutely necessary.

24. Wind River – Jeremy Renner, Elizabeth Olsen
Taylor Sheridan (Hell or High Water, Sicario) has made a name for himself in recent years as one of the best screenwriters in the business. Wind River is his directorial debut and while it doesn’t quite live up to the standard he’s set for his writing, I think it’s quite clear that his future behind the camera is bright. It’s dark and deathly serious but Sheridan adds just enough tension breaks to keep the movie from becoming an unbearable slog. Renner and Olsen are both excellent and the movie sheds light on shadowy subject.

23. Darkest Hour – Gary Oldman, Lily James, Ben Mendelson
The best parts of Darkest Hour (Gary Oldman, fantastic subject matter, Gary Oldman, a strong supporting cast, Gary Oldman, etc.) are top-five-movie-of-the-year good. Watching Oldman manifest himself in the form of Winston Churchill is a sight to behold. This is perhaps THE highlight of a career made up of highlights. I just wish this movie had been directed by almost anyone else. Joe Wright is, frankly, incredibly boring and his sensibilities in shot composition, musical cues, and special effects “splashes” are just as boring. The result is a good movie featuring great performances instead of being great all around.

22. Lego Batman – Will Arnett, Michael Cera, Rosario Dawson
It’s amazing to me that WB can get animated Batman so incredibly right while also getting live-action Batman so incredibly wrong. The opening sequence in LEGO Batman is a better plot device than anything conceived in Justice League, Suicide Squad, or Batman V Superman. How is that possible?! Arnett is a stellar Batman and re-teaming him with Cera is a stroke of genius. Most of all, though, this version of Batman has a sense of humor about himself, a welcome respite from the current live-action Batman who enjoys branding his victims.

21. American Made – Tom Cruise, Domhnall Gleason, Sarah Wright
You likely know this by now but I ride for Cruise all day, every day. No one cares as much as Cruise and in the history of film, I’m not sure you can find an actor who has consistently delivered on the promise of entertainment for as long as Cruise has. American Made is a highly enjoyable flick infused with life by Doug Liman’s little touches of flash throughout. It doesn’t hurt that the subject matter is very interesting and, of course, Cruise is out there doing classic Cruise things. What a fun ride.

20. Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle – Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Jack Black
In a year that didn’t feature a whole lot of surprises for me, this was the outlier. I didn’t think a Jumanji sequel/reboot was necessary and the trailers didn’t do much to assuage my feelings of disinterest. So, suffice it to say, I was shocked by how smart, entertaining, and overall fun this movie turned out to be. This cast is FULLY invested in what should be a complete throw-away action comedy and the setup is far more impressive than I ever would’ve thought imaginable. Jumanji has more life to it than most of its contemporary blockbusters and I must say, I now welcome any and all sequels that are to come in this series. 

19. Brigsby Bear – Kyle Mooney, Greg Kinnear, Mark Hamill
This is by far the weirdest movie on this list. I don’t even know what to compare it to. Napoleon Dynamite with a kidnapping subplot? Brigsby is unique and strange and funny and surprisingly heartfelt. It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea but it worked beautifully for me and ultimately became one of the more fun film experiences of the year.

18. Wonder Woman – Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, David Thewlis
On first viewing, Wonder Woman was one of my five favorite films of the year. On second, third, and fourth viewing, my appreciation waned a bit. Even still, this movie is a massive accomplishment in the post-Nolan DC Cinematic Universe because, after all, I was very willing to rewatch it a second, third, and fourth times instead of swearing upon the life of my dog to never see it again like I did with Batman V Superman, Justice League, and Suicide Squad. To be sure, this is an awesome comic book movie in a year stuffed with great comic book movies. Gadot is magnificent, Pine is an awesome counterpart, and Patty Jenkins proved what a great director can do when Warner Brothers leaves her alone. And it had one of the great action scenes of the year which never hurts.

17. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri – Frances McDormand, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson
It is difficult to write about Three Billboards without getting bogged down in the backlash against it. For the record, I understand the argument against it but feel those advocating for it are missing the point. I’ll consider it here as a film and nothing more and as a film, it’s quite excellent. Martin McDonagh is a master when it comes to creating dark and grimy characters in dark and grimy settings and in this arena, Three Billboards might be his masterpiece. The cast is utterly brilliant, not just the three mentioned above, all of whom are very likely to receive Oscar nominations (if not wins), but all the way down to the police officer with one line in the film. It’s difficult to watch and downright unpleasant at times (many times?) but McDonagh handles it with as little gratuitousness as possible and for that I am thankful.

16. War for the Planet of the Apes – Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Steve Zahn
The concluding chapter of the Apes trilogy, War is the best of the bunch (so, obviously, it made less money than either of its predecessors). Movies about talking monkeys really have no business being this good but Andy Serkis is a genius and his commitment to his character (we’re talking about a CGI ape here) is uncanny. Add in Woody Harrelson and Steve Zahn with a fantastic scene-stealing performance with a plot that actually feels relevant to the current climate, and you’ve got an unbelievably good movie…about a bunch of talking monkeys.

15. Star Wars: The Last Jedi – Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Mark Hamill
I did not have Star Wars as the most divisive film of the year coming in. Totally caught me by surprise. I went up and down, back and forth with The Last Jedi and eventually just accepted the very good segments of the movie (about 80-85 percent of the movie by my very scientific calculations) and chose to overlook the rougher segments. At the end of the day, I really, truly love what Rian Johnson was trying to do (and I think succeeded in doing) in the macro sense and wish the micro elements had been tightened up. I think he’s put not only this trilogy but also the next set of films (which he will helm) on the right track and in five years, Last Jedi will be far more fondly remembered by fans than it was initially received.

14. Blade Runner 2049 – Ryan Gosling, Harrison Ford, Jared Leto
I ran the gamut of emotions on this one in the months leading up to its release. On the one hand, I love the property, I love the cast, and I love the director (Denis Villeneuve). On the other, a Blade Runner sequel featuring Harrison Ford risks answering the famous question posed ambiguously by the original and thereby diluting that film. Villeneuve handled this issue beautifully just like the rest of the movie. Gosling is terrific, the movie looks AMAZING, and while the story drifts a bit here and there, overall, it’s a breathtaking film that, I think, will age extremely well (just like the original).

13. A Ghost Story – Casey Affleck, Rooney Mara
I had this in my top 10 for most of the winter and it pained me to drop it out. Ultimately, it lost a place or two because I don’t know that I’ll ever watch it again and it’s a hard one to recommend to a broad audience. For a one-time viewing, however, A Ghost Story is a triumph of filmmaking and a movie that stuck with me for weeks after I saw it. David Lowery is a name you may not recognize now but you will soon, following the critical success of this movie and his previous film, Pete’s Dragon (also fantastic). He’s the type of guy a studio should hand all of the money to and allow him to do whatever he wants. Affleck and Mara are both excellent, expressing more with head nods and mannerisms than most actors can convey with actual dialogue. Touching, beautiful, and, if you’ll forgive the wording, haunting.

12. The Disaster Artist – James Franco, Dave Franco, Allison Brie
As with Three Billboards, for the purpose of this list, I’ll only look at this as a movie and set aside the cultural conversation regarding its star. I honestly didn’t expect to enjoy this movie nearly as much as I did. I expected it to be overly dark and uncomfortable given what I know about The Room and its bizarre leading man, Tommy Wiseau. At almost every opportunity, however, Franco (as writer and director) displayed a shocking lack of cynicism in regard to Tommy. In doing so, The Disaster Artist essentially mocked the product without mocking the man and ultimately made the movie something enjoyable instead of something to get through.

11. Spider-Man: Homecoming – Tom Holland, Michael Keaton, Marisa Tomei
I’ve seen Homecoming more times than any other film on this list. My kid LOVES this movie. I love that he loves this movie. I also love that his love for this movie means Spider-Man 3 (which was his favorite Spider-Man movie before Homecoming) has gone unwatched for months, praise the Lord. Marvel truly nailed it with this one, finally giving us a Spider-Man worth investing in long-term. Holland embodies both Peter Parker AND his superhero alter ego (something neither of the previous iterations could do) and has an awful lot of fun in the process. The John Hughes-ian screenplay and direction doesn’t hurt in this regard, either. It is Keaton, however, who gives Homecoming its gravitas and provides the perfect antagonist for Parker/Spidey. I loved this movie, I think it’ll hold up incredibly well moving forward, and I truly can’t wait to return to its universe.

For full reasoning and explanations for my Top Ten, please check out our Best/Worst of 2017 podcast episode in which I elaborated on all the choices below:
http://madaboutmoviespodcast.com/episodes/2018/1/23/rants-raves-best-worst-of-2017

10. I, Tonya - Margot Robbie, Alison Janney, Sebastian Stan
I love the way director Craig Gillespie told such a difficult story and the performances are top notch. The decision to focus solely on the stories being told by those involved rather than trying to find "the truth" allows the movie to move at a pace most biopics don't. 

9. Lady Bird - Saorise Ronan, Laurie Metcalf, Timothy Chalamet
One of the better-written movies of the year, Greta Gerwig's explosion onto the scene as a filmmaker to be reckoned with is also an incredibly enjoyable, fun coming-of-age story. Ronan is terrific and somehow Metcalf is even better.

8. The Big Sick - Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Holly Hunter, Ray Ramano
I'm not sure I've ever seen a movie that got relationships right the way The Big Sick does. Spousal relationships, friend relationships, parental relationships, this movie nails them all and wraps it up in a heartfelt, funny bow. 

7. Coco - Anthony Gonzalez, Benjamin Bratt, Gael Garcia Bernal
Visually stunning with incredible voice acting and a touching story. It's great to see Pixar/Disney highlight a diverse set of people that is criminally underrepresented in film and to do so in such a meaningful way. 

6. Thor: Ragnarok - Chris Hemsworth, Cate Blanchett, Tessa Thompson
Taika Waititi took the Avenger I was least excited about (after the debacle of Thor: The Dark World) and reminded me why I thought Hemsworth was a real movie star in the first place. Fun, smart, and filled with awesome side characters that steal the show over and over. 

5. Logan - Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Dafne Keen
THIS IS THE WOLVERINE MOVIE WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! Logan feels like a movie three decades in the making and somehow it sticks the landing in the midst of so much expectation. 

4. The Post - Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Bob Odenkirk
The most divisive movie of the year, I think, within our own show. There are some issues (mostly with the script) but for me, this is very close to a masterpiece from Spielberg and his cast delivers at every turn. 

3. Dunkirk - Fionn Whitehead, Barry Keoghan, Mark Rylance
Perhaps the best theater experience I had this year, Nolan did a terrific job of telling the story he set out to tell with little to nothing in the way of either prologue or epilogue. Rylance provides the heart of the film and deserves more credit for that than he's received. If I had one complaint, it's that the movie won't play as well at home as it did in theaters, making rewatches less pertinent. 

2. Get Out - Daniel Kaluuya, Allison Williams, Catherine Keener
A singular movie experience. I think this has the best chance of any movie this year to become an iconic film, one that we look back on ten years as one of the greats.

1. Baby Driver - Ansel Elgort, Jon Hamm, Lily James
The most fun I had in theaters this year. There are better movies from 2017, to be sure, but the combination of quality, memorableness, and sheer enjoyability makes Baby Driver tough to beat in my book. 

Derek Harper and Childhood Heroes

I attended my first basketball game on November 29, 1991, a high-stakes tilt between the lowly New Jersey Nets and the lowliest-of-lowly Dallas Mavericks. It was my second true sporting event ever, preceded only by a truncated Texas Rangers game that featured A) a drunken brawl on Bat Night (as in, “everyone got a free bat”, not “Batman showed up”), B) my little brother catching a beer in the face, and C) not much else worth remembering. There were no drunken brawls on November 29, 1991 (to my knowledge), Batman did not make an appearance (to my knowledge), and according to basketball-reference.com, very little of note transpired. The Mavericks lost, something they got very good at over that season and the next eight seasons to come, Derrick Coleman missed the game for the Nets as he was wont to do, and the 16,000-odd people in attendance mostly meh’d, unimpressed by the effort. 

In my heart, however, November 29, 1991 is a line of demarcation at which point my life became profoundly different. There was “Before Basketball” and then, suddenly, there was “After Basketball” (he says, in the least sacrilegious way possible). The events of that night, completely inconsequential in the macro sense and almost just-as-inconsequential to even the most hardened basketball fan, quite literally changed my life and sparked in me an absolute obsession for the sport that has (occasionally) brought me the greatest joys and (much more frequently) laid me so low as to curse the day I ever started watching this stupid game in the first place. 

On that night, I marveled at one player in particular. He wore number 12 and he played the game at a different pace than the rest of his teammates. With 26 years of understanding and hindsight to my benefit now, I can see why: that Mavericks team was horrendous and, with Rolando Blackman injured, most of the roster was either woefully past their respective primes or so untalented as to never actually warrant a prime in the first place. But number 12…well, he was different. He attacked the Nets on both sides of the floor. He was tenacious. He was intense. He played with a certain poetry-in-motion that so many of the other players lacked. My understanding of basketball was extremely limited at the time but to me, there was a clear, distinct difference between number 12 and literally everyone on the floor. I was mesmerized by Derek Harper and everywhere he went on the court, so, too, did my vision. 

For the next two-plus seasons, Harper was virtually the only reason to watch a Mavs game and I watched them all, loss after loss, humiliation after humiliation. Someday I’ll write a book about the hard lessons learned through my first 10 years of Mavericks fandom which featured, I think, 100 million losses in total. Still, I was locked in, night after night, in part because I loved basketball like no one has ever loved basketball, and in part, though I was too embarrassed to ever admit this to anyone, because I felt like I needed to support my hero. Like, somehow through the Cosmic Basketball Force, a very good professional basketball player would feel an undersized-but-scrappy little basketball player cheering him on and hoping against hope for a win that night and it would lift his spirits. 

Virtually every kid I knew who cared about basketball in the slightest (and that wasn’t a given in early 90’s Texas) rooted for the Bulls and worshipped at the feet of Michael Jordan. My best friend was a Knicks fan, I knew another kid who loved David Robinson, and one weirdo who exclusively supported Vernon Maxwell (this kid became a serial killer, I am certain of this) but I legitimately didn’t have a single friend who cared about the Mavericks or my beloved Derek Harper. I admired all of those players but I wanted to be Derek Harper and patterned my very mediocre little league game after him. I wanted to shoot like he did, I wanted to attack like he did, I wanted to yell at both opponents and teammates like he did (whoops), and I wanted to defend like he did. Oh, how I loved his defense! The NBA logo might as well have been Derek Harper handchecking some poor opposing point guard into oblivion as far as I was concerned. I wore number 12 on basically every jersey I ever received and still, to this day, if I’m on a slow pitch softball team or some other spare excuse for sport, I’ll politely demand number 12. This remains my tiny ode to the man who has as much to do with my sports obsession as anyone. 

On January 6, 1994, in the midst of what would become a wretched 13-win season (13 is not very good, in case you were wondering), the Mavericks traded Harper to the Knicks. I was 10 and this was the worst day of my young life (which is to say my life was not so bad) and the first time I can ever remember crying for reasons beyond bodily injury or tantrum-throwing. I was devastated. I can’t remember if I went to school the next day or not; in my mind, my parents let me stay home in my broken heartedness but that’s doesn’t seem like something they would have done. Regardless, whenever I did return to school, I distinctly remember my friends, one by one, coming up to me at my desk or on the school yard and consoling me, like I’d lost a parent (or at least a pet). I’m not sure there’s ever been a kid who loved his sports hero like I loved Derek Harper. 

I followed Harper to the Knicks, splitting my fandom a bit, which violated everything I held dear as a zealous young sports fan but I justified the move by allowing that A) the Knicks were in a different conference, B) the Mavericks were historically terrible, and C) I was allowed to support my hero as passionately as I pleased, regardless of whether he played for my team anymore or not. This shift to the Knicks ultimately led to even more heartache (seriously, sports are the worst) when New York lost in the NBA Finals that summer, sabotaged from within by John Starks, whom I will never forgive. I remained loyal to Harper through the next two years in New York, then his return to Dallas in 1996, then his move on to Orlando in 1997 and even the bloody Lakers in 1998. When he retired as a member of the Mavericks in 1999, I cried, the uncoolest of moves for a 16-year-old but an honest one nonetheless, and I mentally resolved that, no matter the circumstances nor the cost, when the Mavericks retired Harper’s number 12, I would be there. 

Fast forward 18 years and things have changed. The Mavericks have a ring, something 10-year-old Brian never thought possible. I’ve made room in my life for new heroes; Dirk Nowitzki, Bill Murray, and Conan O’Brien to name a few. And, of course, I have a four-year-old kid shadowing me wherever I go. But I remain resolute in my dedication both to the Mavericks and Derek Harper himself. I have no idea why it took so long, but when the Mavericks finally announced their intention to retire number 12, I bought tickets and dug my old Harper jersey out of storage (still fits, what up). On Sunday night, I sat in the American Airlines Center to witness the bestowing of one of sport’s greatest honors on my childhood hero, accompanied by my wife, a friend, and the aforementioned child. I listened to the words of those in attendance who spoke of Derek Harper’s virtues as a player and a man, stood and applauded when he took to the podium, and cried more than I’d like to admit when the number 12 banner was uncovered and raised to the rafters. 

My son doesn’t understand what this night was all about. He spent most of the evening eating cotton candy and taking pictures of Dirk Nowitzki with his pretend phone. During the ceremony, he patted my leg and asked me why I was crying, though he is no stranger to Sports Tears as I am neither shy nor cautious with my guffawing. He listened dutifully as I briefly explained who Derek Harper is and what we were doing here. And then he went back to his “big salty pretzel”, content as always. I have no idea what the future holds for him, whether he’ll be an athlete, a musician, an engineer, or some combination of them all. All I can do is expose him to events like this, encourage his interests and pursuits, and hope he finds his own Derek Harper to idolize. 

I Read Some Books! 2017

Two years ago, I got to the end of the year and realized I had completed no more than six books in the year. This lack of reading was extremely disappointing as I quite like reading and used to run through six books in a month, easily. So, in 2016, in large part thanks to Audible, I made reading a priority and got through over 20 books, which was my goal. (You can read 2016’s list here if you’re so inclined.) With the success of 2016 under my belt, for 2017 I set the goal at 30 books. I finished 35 (those listed below plus “Ready Player One” and “Starship Troopers” which were both re-reads and therefore disqualified from this list) and now the goal for 2018 is 40 books. 2017 was a bit of a weaker crop that 2016 was if I’m being honest. I read 10, maybe 12 books in 2016 that became instant classics for me and will be revisited again in the future. By contrast, in 2017 I’d say I read three GREAT books, a couple more very, very good books, and a handful of good-not-great books in addition to a whole score that were mediocre or otherwise a bit disappointing. Perhaps my reading list was a microcosm of the entire cluster mess that was 2017, amirite? (*Laughter quickly turns into sobs*) Regardless, I enjoyed the reading, I enjoy making lists, and, thanks in large part to my stupid podcast, I now feel the need to let everyone know what I think about anything whether they really want to hear what I think or not. As such, here’s my ranking of books I read in 2017. 

NOTE: I have yet to finish “Basketball And Other Things” by Shea Serrano which undoubtedly would’ve finished no lower than three on this list and possibly higher. I’ve been savoring this one, reading a bit at a time so as not to run through it too quickly. I expect it will rank highly on 2018’s list. 

33. “The Wanderers” - Meg Howrey (Audible)
Really the only book I read this year that truly pushed me on my commitment to finish every book I start (minus the one I actually quit, see below). Had this been a paper or e-book instead of an audiobook, I wouldn’t have made it. “The Wanderers” is exponentially more important in the mind of its author than it is in reality. 

32. “The Ables” - Jeremy Scott (Audible)
The fact that Jeremy Scott, co-creator of the YouTube channel Cinema Sins which takes great joy in poking holes in virtually every aspect of every film ever made, couldn’t put together a less cringe-inducingly unoriginal book is ironic. Almost nothing within “The Ables” wasn’t taken directly, it seems, from its predecessors in the Y.A.-Sci-Fi genre. 

31. “Hothouse” - Brian Aldiss
I had no idea “Hothouse” was written in 1962 until I finished it at which point some of the stranger, more antiquated elements made a little more sense. Good in parts with a B-story that could have been cut altogether. Mr. Aldiss seems to have agreed with me in that he ignored this storyline for the better part of the book. 

30. “Before the Fall” - Noah Hawley (Audible)
Quite possibly the most disappointing book I’ve ever read. I love Noah Hawley (of TV’s Fargo fame) and this book was recommended with great fervor by a number of trusted readers. I confess, I don’t get it. I appreciated the characters and the concept but the work done to get to the conclusion was tedious at best and the conclusion itself was a massive letdown for me. 

29. “Tip Off” - Filip Bondy
I’ve had this book on my shelf for 10 years and perhaps the unintended build up in my mind tainted my view of the book itself. Some sportswriters transition to books seamlessly and they make great use of the additional space they’ve never had in the pages of the newspaper; and sometimes even the best sportswriters struggle to adapt to the new format. “Tip Off” well into the latter category, unfortunately. Bondy’s structure is needlessly laborious to navigate and the book desperately needed a better editor. 
 
28. “The Force” - Don Winslow (Audible)
Much like “Before the Fall”, this one came highly recommended by multiple people. In this case, I sort of get the appeal; Winslow is a competent writer who is very familiar with his subject matter. Unfortunately for me, I think this is in part because he has seen all the same cop TV shows and movies I have and almost nothing in this book doesn’t feel like it’s pulled directly from The Shield or Law & Order. It’s fine, it’s just wholly unoriginal. 

27. “Sleeping Giants” - Sylvain Neuvel (Audible)
Wanted to love this one and by the end, found that I loved the concept, not the actual writing itself. This was an early-in-the-year read and soured me on the series but now, almost a year out from my reading, I’m talking myself into returning for the sequel in hopes of something better. 

26. “Hillbilly Elegy” - JD Vance (Audible)
This was a big one within my community this year and I appreciate its intent even if I don’t love the finished product. For me, “Hillbilly Elegy” is two books crammed together. One, Vance’s personal backstory and the history of his family, I found fascinating. The other, Vance’s projections of his personal experience onto a much broader group of people, I found flawed and, at times, problematic. 

25. “The Rest of Us Just Live Here” - Patrick Ness
I’ve read some Ness in the past and in fact, he is the author (though not the originator) of “A Monster Calls”, one of my all-time favorites. “The Rest of Us Just Live Here”, though, felt like a good idea that wasn’t completely fleshed out. Narratively enjoyable, the character development is mediocre and at times the whole thing felt a bit forced. 

24. “Waypoint Kangaroo” - Curtis Chen (Audible)
“Waypoint Kangaroo” feels like a throwback to the dime store paperback science fiction of the 50’s and 60’s (made complete by the reader who matched the tone quite well) which I loved. But the central plot device (the main character has a semi-magical ability that he alone can access) is almost completely ignored by the author for the majority of the book, leaving me to wonder what the point of it was in the first place. 

23. “Artemis” - Andy Weir (Audible)
Weir’s previous book, “The Martian”, and the movie it inspired are favorites of mine and I’ve been looking forward to “Artemis” for some time now. I must say, I’m a bit disappointed, both in terms of the plot, which was fine but unspectacular, and the mediocre characters. By the conclusion, I just sort-of meh’d and moved on, the exact opposite of my experience with “The Martian.”

22. “The Magnolia Story” - Chip and Joanna Gaines (Audible)
Listened to this with Lindsey during a road trip and found it enjoyable. Not a huge surprise, I’m very pro-Chip and Jojo and pro-HGTV in general. (Come and fight me.) I wouldn’t say I learned much of great value but it was a solid read nonetheless. 

21. “Fellside” - MR Carey (Audible)
In no way does “Fellside” live up to the standard Carey set with “The Girl with all the Gifts”, one of my best reads of 2016. Unlike the gap between Weir’s “Martian” and “Artemis”, however, I found “Fellside” to be competent and strong in its own right, a solid companion to “Gifts” if nothing else. 

20. “The Life We Bury” - Zach Villa (Audible)
I don’t read many mysteries so I’m probably not the best judge of the genre as a whole. This one, however, worked for me quite well. I’m not sure there’s much in the way of originality or brilliant writing but Villa poses an interesting question (did the old man dying in hospice commit the murder for which he was convicted 30 years ago or not?) and lets the story unfold competently throughout. 

19. “All Our Wrong Todays” - Elan Mastai
In the reading of “All Our Wrong Todays”, my feelings jumped back and forth constantly. At times, I felt like I was reading the best book of 2017 and at times I felt like I might have been getting conned previously. It’s a roller coaster affair and to be completely frank, I’m not even entirely sure it all makes sense. There’s quite a bit of science that falls somewhere between the “scientific mumbo jumbo” of Star Trek and the “basically accurate” science of “The Martian.” Mastai is quite clever in both his dialogue and character development, however, and that tended to carry the book through its weaker points. 

18. “The Stranger in the Woods” - Michael Finkel (Audible)
I read a couple of articles on this story (about a man who lived in the Maine woods with no contact to the outside world, beyond the houses he broke into for supplies, for 25 years) when he was captured in 2013 and I’ve been fascinated with it ever since. Finkel’s book is Krakauer-ian in nature though perhaps with a little less flare that Krakauer. At times, it felt like a longform article would have sufficed but perhaps that feeling is due to my familiarity with the subject matter in the first place. 

17. “Uncanny X-Force” - Rick Remender
The first comic book/graphic novel to make an appearance, “X-Force” was a darker, edgier look at the X-Universe than “Astonishing X-Men” (see below) but that works quite well for the characters assembled in this team (Wolverine, Angel, Deadpool, etc.). If there’s a weakness, it is in the inclusion of Fantomex whose storylines were always my least favorite of the book. 

16. “The Winter Over” - Matthew Iden (Audible)
What should have been a complete throwaway airport read turned out to be much more interesting thanks in large part to the author’s choice of setting (the South Pole research facility). Part mystery, part thriller, “The Winter Over” uses its setting brilliantly to heighten the tension and transform fairly generic characters and situations into a highly enjoyable read. 

15. “The Forgetting” - Sharon Cameron (Audible)
My first read of 2017, I found Cameron’s worldbuilding to be excellent and the central conceit to be engrossing. The characters could’ve been better but overall, a good read. I will say, however, I grabbed the second book in this series (“The Knowing”) a couple of months ago and for the first time ever, I returned a book to Audible. Awful. So, consider that before delving into “The Forgetting.”

14. “Good Morning, Midnight” - Lily Brooks Dalton (Audible)
I’m a sucker for post-apocalyptic foolishness though this is the only feature-length book from that genre I read this year. Much like “Station Eleven” last year, “Good Morning, Midnight” is firmly in the “literary” section of the post-apocalyptic genre, focusing more on its main characters (an aging scientist at the North Pole and a young astronaut on return from Jupiter) than on the event(s) of the apocalypse (which is never spelled out). I wanted to love this one but had to settle for like instead, though it is very well-written. 

13. “Missoula” - Jon Krakauer (Audible)
One of the least enjoyable books I read in 2017 thanks to its subject matter (rape and date rape in small-town Montana) but still an important, incredibly well-written book. Krakauer is one of the best at discussing difficult material with grace (he’s also one of the best, period) and he brings that skill to “Missoula” masterfully. 

12. “Astonishing X-Men Ultimate Collection Volume 1” - Joss Whedon
My comic book reading as a kid was devoted almost exclusively to X-Men comics and in 2017, when I picked up graphic novels again, I went right back to that which I know and love. This was a really fun collection of comics containing a lot of Whedon-isms and pithy dialogue. I’m looking forward to reading volume 2 in 2018. 

11. “Underground Airlines” - Ben Winters (Audible)
Alternative history is very hit-or-miss for me (mostly miss) but Ben Winters’s conceit (an America where slavery is still legal in four Southern states) stuck close enough to reality that after a few pages, I just about forgot it wasn’t based in fact. The narration on the audiobook is excellent, as well. 

10. “Sons and Soldiers” - Bruce Henderson (Audible)
I wish Henderson’s writing was just a bit tighter throughout and the choice of audiobook narrator was mediocre (good reader, his voice just didn’t match the material) but the subject matter itself is incredible. I feel like I’m at least relatively knowledgeable when it comes to the events of World War II but I can’t recall ever having heard of the Jewish immigrants who returned to the front as translators for the military. Fascinating stuff told in a format vaguely reminiscent of an oral history. 

9. “Old Man Logan” - Mark Millar
My favorite of the three graphic novels I finished this year, “Old Man Logan” was a great prep the movie Logan which was (not coincidentally) one of my favorite movies of 2017. “Old Man Logan” is a quick, easy read and for me, provided a great door back into the realm of comic books. 

8. “Last Days of Night” - Graham Moore (Audible) 
I had to be convinced to read this (a novel revolving around the battle between Thomas Edison and George Westinghouse) as it’s not the sort of thing I usually enjoy. I’m glad I gave into peer pressure. Moore’s narrative structure is excellent and the use of Paul Cravath (Westinghouse’s lawyer) as the medium through which the events unfold keeps the story moving beautifully. 

7. “Petty: The Biography” - Warren Zanes (Audible)
I confess, I didn’t know just a whole lot about Tom Petty beyond the basics and wasn’t overly inclined to learn more. Then he died and I felt like I’d missed the boat. Zanes is a fantastic writer and because of his background with Petty (his band toured with Tom and the Heartbreakers in the 80’s), he was able to get the notoriously uncooperative rock star to open up and talk about everything from his childhood to his drug abuse in the 90’s. 

6. “Reincarnation Blues” - Michael Poore (Audible)
My final read of 2017, “Reincarnation Blues” felt like the spiritual cousin of “The Hike”, one of the best books I read in 2016 and an all-time favorite at that. Great concept, really strong characters that I cared about, and a highly enjoyable writing style (heightened by an awesome narration). The ending, really an epilogue of sorts, missed the mark by just a hair for me, however, and thus, “Reincarnation Blues” went from an instant classic in my book to simply very, very good. 

5. “The Man From the Train” - Bill James (Audible)
This book is bonkers, y’all. James, the father of advanced stats in baseball, became interested in some murders that took place across America in the early 20th century (pretty normal, right?) and posited that many of them had been committed by the same person. So obviously he and his daughter began researching the murders and ultimately...they solved the cases. BONKERS. James is a very dry, efficient writer and that style serves the subject matter brilliantly and he avoids gratuitous details when possible if that’s of concern to you. 

4. “Boy 21” - Matthew Quick
Like “Tip Off”, this book has been sitting on my shelf for years. I randomly grabbed it and took it on a flight this summer as a backup to another book I was struggling through. Once I started reading, I flew through it in, like, an hour and loved every page. A great, genre-bending read focusing on one of the more original coming-of-age stories I’ve ever read. 

3. “The Last Boy” - Jane Leavy (Audible)
Okay, one more for the, “been sitting on my shelf for years” group. I love Mickey Mantle and every tall tale that goes along with his legend/myth. As such, I have resisted actually reading Leavy’s book for fear that it would further prove him to be the terrible person that he kinda was. (Never meet or read about your heroes, right?) While Leavy’s book pulls no punches, she presents a biography of Mantle unlike any other I’ve ever read, made complete by her memories of/notes on a two-day interview she did with The Mick in the early 80’s. “The Last Boy” is in the pantheon of great sports books and a MUST read for any Mantle fan. 

2. “On Writing” - Stephen King
This is the best book Mr. King has ever written and, of course, that is saying something. Moreover, this is the best book on the creative process that I’ve ever come across. Part autobiography, part how-to guide for writers, King filled every page with tips, advice, personal reflection, and self-deprecation in a no-holds-barred sort of way befitting of his persona. I’d recommend “On Writing” to anyone but it is a MUST read for anyone trying to create.

1. “The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay” - Michael Chabon (Audible)
The Pulitzer (fiction) winner from 2001, I’m not entirely sure how I missed out on “Kavalier and Clay” for so long, other than the fact that it came out while I was in college, the absolute worst time for reading anything that is not related to a class (this is just science). Per a friend’s recommend, I gave this a spin and fell in love immediately. Chabon is a master of the craft to begin with but “Kavalier and Clay” felt even more inspired than usual, blending genres and messages seamlessly, page after page. It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read and one that I expect will revisit in the future. 
 

Fighting the Marvel Villains

Anytime a new Marvel Cinematic Universe movie heads our way (Thor: Ragnarok opens today in case you’ve somehow missed the ads, trailers, and general cultural presence), it brings with it an opportunity to interact. I’ve written about Marvel in the past, including a full-on ranking of all the films within the universe. This time around I wanted to focus on the villains (often the fly in the Marvel ointment) and started with a simple prompt: If I had to fight one MCU villain, who would it be? I’m talking me, a normal, mortal, five-foot-nine-ish dude with no super powers, super tech, or even any real training, up against the various Marvel villains in all their glory. How would I fare and what strategies would I employ against each of them? I went through the MCU films, thought about their respective villains, and broke them down into four groups ranked from easiest to defeat to most difficult. Also, this is very silly.  

I GOT THIS

16. Malekith, Thor the Dark World
I live in Texas. There is a zero percent chance that a dark elf could even begin to handle the heat in Texas, let alone the humidity. Malekith would melt and I would soak him up into a water bottle and leave him on display for the rest of time.

15. Colonel Zemo, Captain America: Civil War
This guy has literally no super powers and I’m not convinced he’s even all that smart. His entire strategy is based on fooling superheroes into fighting each other. Since I am not a super hero, I would not fall for this and I feel confident I could at least restrain Daniel Bruhl until the authorities arrived.

14. Ronan, Guardians of the Galaxy
In theory, Ronan is a formidable opponent. He looks intimidating, he appears to be very physically gifted, and he has a super cool weapon. However, he must suffer from a paralyzing case of ADD as he is extremely easy to distract through dance and would be no match for my devastating dance moves.

13. Red Skull, Captain America: First Avenger
As with Ronan, Red Skull appears to be unbeatable. However, there is no evidence that his super powers come with immortality and as such, in 2017, he would be at least 100 years old, if not dead, and I’m pretty confident I can defeat a corpse.

12. Loki, Thor
Loki from Avengers is a serious opponent (see below) but Loki from Thor? Please. Loki seems very emotionally fragile. I would blare some Phil Collins at Loki, watch him collapse into a Feelings Puddle and snatch his staff. This isn’t even hard.

11. Obadiah Sane, Iron Man
Obadiah is a question mark for sure but I’m relying on his lack of familiarity with his janky Iron Man suit technology and potentially limited battery power to wear him down eventually, at which point I’m just facing off against a bald Jeff Bridges. I want no part of a long-haired Jeff Bridges but the bald version can catch these hands.

I AM NOT SO SURE ABOUT THIS

10. Kaecilius, Doctor Strange
Kaecilius is very powerful and moreover, he is quite dedicated to bringing the world to an end. Hey, we all have those days, I get it. I am no match for his magical powers but, hear me out on this; has Kaecilius ever seen Parks and Recreation? I doubt it. He seems like the kind of guy who never really watched much TV. If I could engage Kaecilius’s inquisitive mind and convince him to watch a season of Parks and Recreation (probably season four or five, something he could understand without much backstory), I think I could show him there is good in the world and also, while he’s wrapped up in the Leslie Knope-Ben Wyatt relationship, I could bash his head and take his ring.

9. Mandarin, Iron Man 3
The hierarchy of powers within Iron Man 3 is VERY difficult to ascertain, to be sure, so I may be underrating the fightability of Mandarin. I do feel like, however, I could rope-a-dope him into literally imploding as he doesn’t seem particularly stable, either physically or mentally.

8. Darren Cross/Yellowjacket, Ant-Man
My prospects are beginning to get dicey at this point. Cross is legitimately evil and Yellowjacket is formidable. My goal here would be to get him to follow me to an offseason lake town where I would rig every bug zapper I could find to one trailer and fry him.

I DO NOT LIKE MY CHANCES

7. Ultron, The Avengers: Age of Ultron
On the surface, Ultron seems unbeatable for a lowly normal such as myself. If you dig a little deeper, however, you discover that his strategies are flawed (why, of all the places on earth you could attack, would you start with Zokovia, idiot?), he’s very bad at picking allies, and he’s a bit egotistical. If I can just avoid him for a while, I imagine he makes a mistake, at which point I pounce. (Though, to be fair, I have no idea what to do once I pounce. I’ll wing it.)

6. Adrian Toomes/Vulture, Spider-Man Homecoming
He may not have super powers but his technology more than makes up for what he’s lacking. Moreover, Toomes is out there fighting for his family’s livelihood. This strangely makes him much more difficult to contend with than some of the “bigger” villains. I would probably try to Jaws him and shoot his jetpack and hope for the best.

5. Loki, The Avengers
In this scenario, I imagine Loki would show up and, buoyed by my previous success against Loki, I would smirk and reach for my iPod, assuming my Phil Collins strategy would work again, at which point Loki, now less a mopey teenager and more a powerful warlock, would probably cut out my eye. Maybe “Against All Odds” tugs on his heartstrings, though, and he relents before actually killing me.

I AM DEAD

3-4. Emil Blonsky/Abomination, The Incredible Hulk and Ivan Vanko/Whiplash, Iron Man 2
I have almost no strategy against Abomination. He’s an ultra-powerful monster and even if he powers down, he’s still Tim Roth. I don’t like my chances against Tim Roth even without powers. Similarly, while Whiplash is a marginal villain, if I somehow manage to relieve him of his whips and Iron Man suits, I still have to contend with what I can only assume would be a very angry Mickey Rourke. *Shudders*

2. Ego, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2
Ego is both a planet AND Kurt Russell. How do you even begin to fight against that combination? I have no bomb in my backpack, I don’t even have duct tape for the Death Button; I am virtually useless. If I sang “Cat’s in the Cradle” at the top of my lungs would that cause Ego some emotional distress, allowing me to escape? I don’t know, maybe, but that’s really all I have going for me.

1. Hydra, Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Hydra is far too sprawling an organization for one normal human such as myself to take down. Without Cap’s shield or Falcon’s wings or Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s…whatever Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has going for it, I’m powerless. I would probably just run from trusted celebrity to trusted celebrity, blabbing about Hydra only to find out they, too, are Hydra agents. I’ll give you Robert Redford and Bill Paxton, but Garry Shandling?! Garry Shandling is a Hydra agent?! I can’t win this war. I give up.

Top 5 Pilots to Maybe Watch

Are you guys excited for Pilot Season?! I can’t hear you! I said, are you guys excited for Pilot Season?! Oh. You’re…you’re not? Like, you’re not just being chill, you’re really not excited? Ah. Well…this is awkward then. Can I tell you a little secret between friends? Neither am I. Pilot Season used to be one of my favorite things to look forward to on the pop culture calendar but, ironically, as the TV landscape expands, my interest in this time of year has waned significantly. Still, though, there’s a tradition to this time of year I respect and appreciate and thus, I’m trying to get myself pumped up for the new offerings the Almighty TV will bring my way this year.

I won’t lie to you, dear readers, 2017 might be the bleakest Pilot Season I’ve ever seen. It seems like most of the new shows are headed for immediate cancellation and many of the ones that will “succeed” hold little interest for me. When I sent the pilots list out to Kent and Richard, I honestly though Richard might punch me. It’s rough out there, y’all. So I’ve tried to find five shows (literally five out of 25+) that might have a chance of making my DVR rotation. Let’s see if I can talk you into any of them.

NOTE: I dismissed The Deuce because, while it is apparently very good, it is also very much not my thing. Sorry. And if I had written this piece a few weeks ago, The Orville would’ve been featured heavily. Having seen the early buzz, however…yeesh. That’s not what you want, Seth McFarlane. Carry on.

Stat Trek Discovery, CBS
Summary: “Ten years before Captain Kirk helms the bridge of the Enterprise, the USS Discovery boldly goes where no man has gone before.”
I’m of the opinion that there should always be a Star Trek show on TV and it’s been far too long (12 years) since such a show existed. The trailers for Discovery are excellent, the cast is stacked, and I love the concept. The biggest issue is CBS’s foolish decision to keep the show off terrestrial TV and relegated to their streaming platform which I think will fail miserably. Hopefully, the powers that be bring Discovery back to their standard programming by season two.

The Tick, Amazon
Summary: “A mild-mannered accountant joins forces with a dim-witted superhero in this reboot of the cult classic.”
The first six episodes of The Tick have been available on Amazon Prime for a few weeks now but I haven’t had a chance to watch them yet. I’ve heard nothing but good things. The Tick has always been a fun property that just couldn’t find enough of an audience to stay alive in any of its forms but Amazon is the ideal home. I love, too, the choice of Peter Serafinowicz in the titular role.

Ghosted, FOX
Summary: “A skeptic and a true believer pair up to investigate paranormal occurrences.”
I like the idea of an X-Files satire, though I’m a little concerned this is going to veer closer to a poor man’s Ghostbusters instead. The concept is solid, however, and while Craig Robinson has been hit or miss in his post-Office career, Adam Scott always delivers for me.

The Mayor, ABC
Summary: “A struggling hip-hop artist runs for mayor of his hometown as a publicity stunt.”
Of all these choices, I feel like this one has the highest rate of variance. If it’s handled with the right tone and can take on political and social commentary without losing its comedic roots, I think it could be a major success. If it lacks either bite or humor, however, The Mayor will struggle to push through its bad title (seriously, ABC, you’ve got to get this title thing figured out).  

 The Gifted, FOX
Summary: “A secret agency investigates mutant-related incidents within the X-Men universe.”
This is the new show I’m most excited about this season. I love the X-Men with all of my being and I love that we’re getting more of these explorations into the wider universe that happens outside of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. Legion proved this ground to be fertile earlier this year and Matt Nix (Burn Notice) is, I think, a perfect showrunner to bring this property to network TV.

The Collected Works - Ranking the Films of Christopher Nolan

One of the major traits I look for in a director is a consistent, singular, marked style that runs across his/her entire filmography. The best directors, in my mind, could put out a new movie under a pseudonym and I could walk out of said movie thinking, “I’m pretty sure that was a (insert name of director here) film.”  (I don’t know what weird world this sort of thing would happen in but I like to believe it’s possible.) Across all genres, I always know when I’m watching a Spielberg film, for example. The same can be said for Tarantino, Wright, Bigelow, Anderson, Scorsese, and a handful of other filmmakers, the cream of the crop, and it can certainly be said for Christopher Nolan.

If ever a director is to unseat Spielberg as MY director, my go-to unquestioned favorite, I think Nolan has the best shot. I remember seeing a Nolan film for the first time (Memento, in my freshman dorm room) and having my mind blown, not just by the construction of the movie but by the sheer force of style this guy brought to the screen. Everything meticulously planned out, every detail accounted for, every shot designed to attract the eye in the right way. Since then, I’ve been an easy mark for Nolan’s work and while his track record hasn’t been perfect, even his “lesser” films check off almost every box for me and I await each new film with baited breath. With his tenth feature film, Dunkirk, headed our way this weekend, I thought it time to officially sort through Nolan’s filmography and play favorites.

9. Insomnia (2002)
In truth, Insomnia is probably better than Following and perhaps even another Nolan film or two. It was well-received critically and enjoys a strong reputation 15 years after its release. For me, though, it stands out as the sore thumb amongst the rest because it lacks the feel of a Nolan movie. His only film that he did not write, at least in part, Insomnia is a remake of a Swedish film and to me it feels like a remake. It lacks the definitive Nolan-esque touches and while cold and aloof characters are big players across the director’s works, this one has always felt disconnected from its engineer. 

8. Following (1999)
Following is hardly a cinematic masterpiece but you’re unlikely to find many films this good made for $6,000, especially not in 1999. If Following had been my introduction to Nolan (I saw it for the first time maybe five years ago), I’m not so arrogant as to believe I could’ve told you it was the harbinger of the illustrious career that has come to pass but I think I could’ve identified the supreme talent on display. It may be a bit film school-ish but it has a great hook and features far more substance than you might guess from its pretentious façade.   

7. Memento (2000)
Had I made this list before my most recent viewing, I believe Memento would’ve creept up a spot or two. It is, as I said before, a singular moment in my personal film watching history and (ironically) I’ll never forget what it was like to struggle along with Guy Pearce to piece together his story. The downside of Memento is its rewatchability or lack thereof. One viewing is sublime, a true experience in quality filmmaking and inspired storytelling. A second viewing gives you a new appreciation for the first and fills in the gaps. Any other returns to Memento likely need to occur after many years when you’ve half-forgotten the details or with someone who’s never seen the film before. That said, Memento is still a great film and given that it was Nolan’s first “budgeted” film (at a whopping $10 million), it’s an incredible achievement. Also, it’s fun to see Joe Pantoliano doing work. We need more Joey Pants. 

6. The Prestige (2006)
I didn’t completely “get” The Prestige the first time I saw it. A little dense, maybe a tad overdone in places, and a confusing ending. Somewhere along the line I got lost and couldn’t quite bring it all together for myself, though I recognized the quality of the filmmaking. Years later, a friend who knew of both my love for Nolan and indifference to The Prestige recommended I revisit the film and when I did, it clicked. Perhaps you need two viewings to understand the movie or perhaps I’m just dumb (I’m very willing to accept this) but whatever the case may be, once The Prestige worked in my head it worked brilliantly on screen, too. Jackman and Bale are both fantastic in their roles, too, and I’ve always been impressed with the way Nolan explores the darkest material of his filmography to date without reveling in it. 

5. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
I will carry the banner for the virtues of The Dark Knight Rises to my dying day, I suppose. Would I like more of Bane’s dialogue to be understandable? Yes, I would. Would I like a tighter timeline regarding the healing of one’s spine? Totally. Would I like to see the second act reined in a bit or spun out even further to create a two-part finale to this series? One hundred percent. But none of these issues have kept me from appreciating The Dark Knight Rises for what it is: a solid ending for a beloved franchise featuring some incredible highs that fully offset the flaws for me. Moreover, and this is a somewhat controversial opinion, I love that Nolan decided to give us some closure for Bruce/Batman. I think the character both needed and deserved a happy ending, even if that happy ending had to involve Anne Hathaway. 

4. Interstellar (2014)
When we walked out of an incredible 35mm screening of Interstellar on its opening weekend, I was in love and assumed everyone else was, too. Then my good friend and co-host Kent, who attended the screening with me, offered his dissent and I was taken aback. We fought in the parking lot, each of us gathering a team of battle-hardened movie nerds to our respective sides, just like Gangs of New York. Fortunately, we’re both scared of fighting so the battle didn’t go very far but still, it could’ve gotten ugly. Interstellar is a much more divisive film than I ever would’ve imagined while I was taking it in for the first time. I was just in complete awe of the visuals and the spiritual journey Nolan took me on. Upon reflection, I understand the “love or hate it” nature of the movie. It’s ambitious, perhaps overly so, but moreover, it forces you to either go along for the ride or get off early in the process and your choice in this matter will likely dictate how you feel about the ending. It is Nolan’s most Spielbergian film and thus, I love it for all of its heart and emotional resonance but I can’t fault anyone for passing on its whimsy.

3. Batman Begins (2005)
Our resident DC Comics expert, Batman Shane, believes Batman Begins is the best made film of Nolan’s vaunted trilogy. I thought this was insane at first given how perfect The Dark Knight truly is (see below). Upon further reflection, however, I get what he’s saying. Nolan went to WORK on this movie, completely overhauling everything we (the movie going public, not necessarily the comic-reading public) knew about the Caped Crusader. In 2017, it’s easy to overlook the importance of Batman Begins and write it off as a sure thing. At the time, however, this was a MASSIVE undertaking and required a brilliant mind like Nolan to revamp the Batman universe and reignite the interest in a character that had become an absolute laughing stock. There’s an understanding here of both Batman and Bruce Wayne that had not been matched previously and has not been matched since. 

2. Inception (2010)
I withhold the word “masterpiece” in my film critique as much as possible. It’s the one term I want to make sure I only bust out at the most appropriate times. Inception is a science fiction masterpiece. Every aspect of this movie is perfect, from concept to final scene. The cast is superb across the board and Nolan mixes in just the right amount of B-story to keep the plot from becoming a drag. Most impressively to me is Nolan’s script which gives you all the information you need to stick with the potentially confusing narrative without overloading you with science. In other words, he neglects neither the science nor the fiction in the science fiction equation. In the hands of a lesser filmmaker, Inception becomes too convoluted to follow or overloaded with boring exposition. Nolan keeps the film moving and turns in one of the very best films of the decade.

1. The Dark Knight (2008)
I guess the only way to top a masterpiece is to create a masterpiece with greater cultural significance. You could argue (and I might agree with you) that the degree of difficulty on The Dark Knight is lesser than that of Inception, Batman Begins, or even Interstellar. But it matters not when you put together a movie that transcends genre and reaches the apex of the cultural zeitgeist like The Dark Knight does while still managing to fly past every reasonable expectation for a comic book movie. It is THE film of the decade, in my opinion; a great, GREAT movie that virtually every human with a pulse and a theater within 50 miles saw. I’ve seen The Dark Knight a couple dozen times at this point and after each viewing I come away appreciating something different. One time it’s Heath Ledger’s performance, the next it’s the sound mix, the next the attention to detail on the Tumbler. The Dark Knight is, for me, unquestionably the greatest comic book movie of all-time and is, by all standards, perfect.

Favorite TV Dads

Father’s Day is Sunday, in case you needed a reminder to get out there and find your dad a tie, a dumb card, or some other form of give-up, half thought-out gift that your dad probably doesn’t care about. This will be my fourth Father’s Day as an actual father and let me tell you, it’s not too shabby. Sleep in, brunch at a greasy spoon, some kind of low-key activity that requires no energy, nap, etc. In the past I’ve written very serious parenting advice for Father’s Day (http://briandgill.com/parenting/ if you care though seriously I don’t know why you would) but all of that pales in comparison to the question I intend to answer here: Who are the best TV dads? This is very serious stuff, you guys. Studies (probably) show we tend to model the parenting behavior we personally witness and since we all watch too much TV, it stands to reason that TV dads will have some impact on the way we (read: “I”) parent. So which TV dads should we be looking to for parental guidance? I polled our listeners on Twitter and got hundreds of suggestions to help me sort through the plethora of options.

NOTE: The best TV dad of all-time is Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable. This should go without saying. Unfortunately, the legacy of Dr. Huxtable has been irreparably damaged thanks to Bill Cosby’s alleged crimes. Maybe you can watch The Cosby Show without feeling uncomfortable but I can’t so, Dr. Huxtable is out.

Let’s start with a few TV dads who are actually the worst.

Al Bundy, Married with Children
As a (potentially?) good father, I believe there is never been a “stronger” personification of awful fathering, and all the stereotypes that go with it, than Al Bundy. In the words of MacGruber, “I learned a lot from you. Mostly what not to do but that’s important, too.” You suck, Al.

Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
I’m of the opinion that you can learn a lot from The Simpsons; it’s always been a deceptively deep show. What you cannot learn from The Simpsons, however, is proper parenting. In Homer’s defense, he tries, sometimes harder than others, to be a good dad and perhaps he’s doing the best he can. But his track record is sketchy and he’s almost murdered his son hundreds of times. Also, he doesn’t seem to realize his children never age. Neglectful.

Jax Teller, Sons of Anarchy
I think Jax Teller would tell you he IS a good father. He writes journals to his kids on the regular, he tries to get them away from the life he leads, etc. But in reality, Jax perpetually makes decisions that put his kids directly in the line of fire and one of them literally gets abducted by the Catholic church. Not great, Jax.

Ross Geller, Friends
Ross illustrates the difference between loving your child and actually being a good parent. I have no doubt that Ross loves Ben (and I assume Emma, too, though that’s never really established if we’re being honest) but if you catch Ross when he’s had a few margaritas, he definitely admits he’s basically an absentee father. Ben’s therapy bills are going to be substantial.

Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother
Let me tell you something, Ted Mosby. Giving your kids a longwinded story about how great their now-deceased mother was only to pull the rug out from under them by admitting she was trash compared to your best friend’s ex-wife is about the most egregiously bad parenting I have ever seen on screen. You’re the worst, Ted Mosby, and you didn’t deserve Tracy McConnell.

Now, on to the better TV dads. It should be noted that since this is my list, it is beholden to shows I have actually seen. So, if you’re a TV dad from a show I haven’t seen most or all of (Bob’s Burgers, The Wonder Years, Malcolm in the Middle, etc.), you’re out of the running by default with my apologies. You can pick up your ceremonial tie on the way out.

20. Tony Soprano, The Sopranos
Whoa, we’re right out the gate with a controversial father choice! Can a mob boss be a good father? Turns out, yeah, he can, as long as your name is Meadow and not AJ. Tony botched it with AJ, no question, (in his defense, AJ was a beating and I might not try too hard with him, either) but he tries hard with Meadow to mostly positive results (though we’ll choose to ignore the time he strangled a man while on a college visitation).

19. Jack Bauer, 24
Few TV dads go to the lengths to protect his children like Jack did. Were the results always positive? Uhhhhh, no, not at all. Would the show have been better if Kim Bauer would’ve been eaten by a cougar in season two? Absolutely, without question. But it doesn’t change Jack’s efforts.

18. Lawrence Fletcher, Phineas and Ferb
Pro-tip for new or future dads: Phineas and Ferb is the greatest kid’s show of all-time. I would watch it even if I didn’t have a kid. Total lifesaver in the kid’s TV world. Lawrence is relatively oblivious but on the occasions that he is in on his son’s shenanigans, he’s incredibly supportive and encouraging.

17. Louis Huang, Fresh Off the Boat
Louis is the personification of the Dorky Dad, a classic TV dad trope. Is he a bit lame? Sure. Does he understand his son’s obsession with hip hop and Shaquille O’neal? Nah, not really. But that doesn’t keep him from trying his hardest to connect and carve out a great life for his family.

16. Ray Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond
I didn’t truly appreciate Ray until my son started walking. Suddenly, I understood why he was so beaten down all the time. Dude is just trying to get some work done in his home office and he’s constantly being interrupted by his lovely family. Let the man get some work done, Debra and Kids!!!

15. Terry Jeffords, Brooklyn 9-9
When Brooklyn 9-9 is inevitably cancelled because too many idiots didn’t watch it, I hope Mike Schur just spins off Terry Jeffords into his own show. No “Girl Dad” goes to the comedic lengths to keep his girls happy like Terry does. You’re an inspiration to us all, Terry.

14. Red Forman, That 70’s Show
Red is the classic “There When You Need Him Dad.” Super gruff and rough around the edges, constantly calls you a mean name I can’t type here, doesn’t understand your weird fashion choices, etc. But when the stuff hits the fan, Red is there, man. And on top of that, he’s gonna be there for your ne’er-do-well buddies.

13. Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
The only reason Ron doesn’t rank out in the top five is the infrequency with which we got to see him parent. A later-in-life parent, Ron’s no-nonsense style served him incredibly well both with his stepdaughters and his newborn son. How many TV dads have ever shot down a drone on their front yard in the interest of protecting their child’s privacy? Only Ron (bleeping) Swanson.

12. Ned Stark, Game of Thrones
Ned is a tough love kind of dad but he’s a bang-up father to all of his legitimate kids and his (fake) bastard, teaching them the ways of the world while still doting on them appropriately. But then he dies because he’s too stubbornly attached to his principles and his entire family gets thrown to the lions, as it were. Good dad in life but pretty miserable dad in death if we’re being honest.

11. Walter White, Breaking Bad
Okay, now hear me out. Was Walter White a good person? Absolutely not. A drug dealer, a murder, a child poisoner, a purveyor of Pontiac Aztecs…these are all major flaws in Walter White’s character and by the end of the show, he was irredeemable. All of these things are factually true. But…was he a good father? I would make the case that while his measures were jumbled and twisted, his motive was pure. At the end of the day, he was a terminally ill man who just wanted provide support for his family. Best of intentions and what not.

10. Joe West, The Flash
There is literally no flaw in Joe’s dad game. Raised a successful daughter all by himself: Check. Raised a surrogate son when his parents abandoned him: Check. Had an unknown-and-fully-grown son dropped on his plate out of nowhere and immediately stepped in to parent: Check. Joe West is a dad hero.

9. Steve Keaton, Family Ties
With apologies to Jason Seaver and Jack Arnold, Steve Keaton is THE dad of the 80’s. He worked hard at a job that made a difference in the world, he raised three very successful children and Andy (who probably wound up in jail, I think we can all agree), and he supported Alex in spite of his utter betrayal of the family’s lifestyle and commitment to the Raegan administration. He even helped Uncle Ned get clean. Flawless.

8. Murray Goldberg, The Goldbergs
I didn’t have a single listener suggest Murray Goldberg which suggests that either no one watches the Goldbergs (likely) or none of you can see through Murray’s shouting and general crankiness to the heart of gold within. Much like Red Forman, Murray is a “There When You Need Him Most” kind of dad. Unlike Red, Murray is quicker to rise to the occasion and fills his role more out of love and less out of a sense of responsibility. Repeatedly mocking your kids and spending most of your time in your recliner can’t hide your gentle spirit forever, Murray.

7. Phil Dunphy, Modern Family
Modern Family has always been a bit overrated but somehow Phil Dunphy has remained underrated despite two Emmy’s and five nominations. He is earnest, he is hilarious (usually unintentionally, but still), and he loves his kids with zero qualifications. In a perfect (very dark) world, Claire would’ve died (tragically but with dignity) after, like, season three and Phil would’ve be spun off into his own show called Phil’s-o-sophy with just him and the kids before Ariel Winter and Nolan Gould got annoying. I would watch that for ten seasons.

6. Sandy Cohen, The OC
I had Sandy off my list originally because I quit on The OC after season two. But so many of our listeners suggested him that I had to revisit my appreciation for this man and by golly, this is a good dad. So here he is. Sandy works hard at his job, he supports his son’s weird quirks, he surfs (!!!), and he took in Ryan Atwood and his myriad facial expressions when no one else would. AND!!! He eats a nutritious breakfast with his family EVERY SINGLE MORNING like a champ. Most mornings I just give my kid a cold Pop-Tart and drink my coffee on the way to the office. I’m in awe of Sandy Cohen.

5. Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights
Okay, exclusively as a father, Coach Taylor’s track record is a little spotty. Julie Taylor lives a sketchy life in Dillon, Texas and Eric is at least partially responsible for Gracie Belle’s forehead, genetically speaking. But I’m a sucker for and a big proponent of the Surrogate Father and Coach Taylor is one of the all-time greats in this category. Coach Taylor will give my beloved Tim Riggins a room to crash in, he’ll console Matt Seracen when his father dies, and he will absolutely fight JT McCoy’s dad in an Applebee’s parking lot. If you’re a mildly talented high school football player in West Texas in need of a father figure, you can do no better than Eric Taylor.

4. Uncle Phil Banks, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Here’s my big question for Philip Banks pre-Fresh Prince: At what point did he become an involved father? Because he clearly punted on Hilary and Carlton, right? Hilary is just a slightly scaled down version of Mona Lisa Saperstein and Carlton…honestly, it’s a miracle Carlton didn’t die of a wedgie. But Uncle Phil seems to have gotten it right with Ashley and he NAILS the Surrogate Father stuff with Will. He gave Will a place to live and moreover, treated him as one of his own despite all of Will’s endless shenanigans. Phil didn’t even seem to notice when his wife got a face lift midrun. A true class act, that Uncle Phil.

3. Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, Home Improvement
*Extended grunt that I can’t figure out how to spell appropriately* Who doesn’t love the Tool Man? Probably Al. Al probably doesn’t love the Tool Man. But you know what, Al, back off! No one wants to watch Tool Time with Al Borland. More like “Bore Time” with Al Borland. (Very bad dad joke, I’m sorry.) In all seriousness: Tim Taylor is very important to the advancement of better fathering. Tim Taylor is the first TV dad I can remember who was both a “man’s man” AND a consistently loving, caring father with his sons. Before Tim Taylor, most good TV dads were “manly” men who softened in times of need (Red Forman types), gentler men whose everyday persona was more passive (Steve Keaton), or guys who were softer with their daughters but harder on their sons (Heathcliff Huxtable). Nothing wrong with ANY of those characters or their tropes. But Tim Taylor got his hands dirty doing manly work then came home and hugged his sons. He was a very progressive character on this front and I think that played a part in changing the expectations for good dads. *Grunt grunt grunt*

2. Michael Scott, The Office
I’m playing the Surrogate Father card big time here but make no mistake, Michael Scott is the father of Dunder Mifflin Scranton and he deserves all the accolades we can give him. He led his family bravely even when he didn’t know what he was doing (the Scranton branch always outperformed other branches/families), he handled squabbles and infighting (Jim and Dwight prank wars only got out of hand after he’d left the show), he made jokes his “kids” hated (a major part of being a dad), he even walked one of his “daughters” down the aisle at her wedding (even if he did get shown up by Albert Lapin, that attention whore in a wheelchair *pfft*). More to the point, even if (at times) the Dunder Mifflin crew didn’t think of Michael as their father, Michael ALWAYS believed he was just that, even stating so (in the most awkward, Michael Scott fashion imaginable) at Dwight and Angela’s wedding. So…he’s a father in my book.

1. Alan Matthews, Boy Meets World
I’ve made some jokes here today but truthfully, if you suddenly became a father and had no other fatherly influence from which to draw on, if you just copied Alan Matthews, you’d do all right. My dude works HARD at a job he hates because it’s what he has to do to put food the table. He wakes his kid up in the middle of the night to watch a no hitter on the West Coast. He gives his kids responsibility and expects them to do as they’re told but he’ll go to bat for them if he feels their teacher is being too hard on them. He gives advice but still leaves room for his kids to make their own decisions. He stands in as the Surrogate Father for a kid who DESPERATELY needs it. There is no flaw to be found in Alan Matthews. Get Alan Matthews some Father of the Year awards, a cold drink, and a nap. He’s earned some time off.

Powers Boothe: The Character Actor's Character Actor

Last month, on a short road trip to literally anywhere else, I drove through Snyder, Texas. If you’re not familiar (and truly, why would you be?), Snyder, Texas is known for three things. One, and least important, it is the waypoint between Abilene and Lubbock. So if you’ve left the depression-inducing flatness of Abilene and you need a quick snack before you head on to the depression-inducing flatness of Lubbock, you stop in Snyder. Two, and slightly more important, it was the sight of a locally-famous feud in the 1910’s. Think Hatfields and McCoys-lite, partly because the feud only escalated to one death and partly because “Johnson and Sim” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Hatfield and McCoy.” A catchy name that rolls of the tongue is very important if you want your familial feud to go viral. Third, and most important, at least for the purpose of this writing, it is the birthplace of Powers Boothe. 

I fell in love with Powers Boothe at a young age thanks to his performance in Tombstone, one of my ten favorite movies of all-time. My best friend, Kyle, and his family had one of those awesome mini-vans that came equipped with a seven-inch TV and VCR (the envy of every soccer mom in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex) and on a road trip to camp in probably 1995, we watched Tombstone. And it. was. so. cool. Tombstone is a perfect movie (yeah, I said, it, come and fight me, Huckleberry) but it is especially perfect when you are 12 or 13 years old. Guns, gambling, sweet moustaches, quippy lines from a drunken gunfighter…obviously these are the things you aspire to as a middle class white kid from the suburbs. That night, in the cupboards of his grandparent’s house, we found shot glasses and proceeded to pour ourselves shots of grape juice, throw them back, and slam them down upside down on the counter, just like Doc Holliday. No one in the world was cooler than we were in that moment. (Whoa, how did these two bros stay single into the mid-twenties, amirite?!)

Powers Boothe is not the star of Tombstone but Curly Bill Brocius is such a magnetic presence that even as a pre-teen I found myself a bit mesmerized by him. This became a trend anytime I spotted Boothe on screen. He was a prolific actor but went through peaks and valleys in the cultural zeitgeist. He was a character actor’s character actor, a guy who would pop up here and there to delight you, usually while reveling in the amorality of the character he played, only to move (slither?) back out of the spotlight a moment later. His distinctive voice, caked in West Texas dust, was as much a part of his act as his face was and oh but how his face fit the characters he frequently played! Boothe was a man out of his time, in some ways, who might’ve been a bonified movie star had he come up in an era that catered to his strengths And yet, I always got the impression that he loved playing the parts he received and enjoyed being the intimidating presence you brought in when you needed a dangerous antagonist with a devil’s grin to challenge your lead. He was his own man, the like of which doesn’t come along often, and I, among many I’m quite sure, will truly miss his presence on screen.

To finish this off, here are five of my favorite Powers Boothe roles. 

24 – Vice President Noah Daniels
I was incredibly pumped when Boothe showed up in season 6 of 24 and his run was quite eventful, even if he was only an adversary to Jack Bauer rather than a full-on villain. This seems like a missed opportunity in hindsight.

Frailty – FBI Agent Wesley Doyle
Boothe put his trademark slick villainy on full display here, spending most of his screen time as a seemingly innocent federal agent escorting someone (Matthew McConaughey) to safety. Except that it’s Powers Boothe so you knew something terrifying was hiding in his closet.

Deadwood – Cy Tolliver
No other film or TV show used Boothe to his full potential like Deadwood did. There are no “good” people in Deadwood as good people get chewed up and spit out in this profane version of the Old West. But even in the midst of black-souled characters, Cy Tolliver stood out as perhaps the blackest and his rivalry with Al Swearengen is the stuff of TV legend.

MacGruber – Colonel Faith
In a rare turn as a good guy (I fully expected him to come out as a secret villain right up until the final credits), Boothe leans in HARD to the utter absurdity of MacGruber and as a result he gives the movie exactly what it needs opposite Will Forte. 

Tombstone – Curly Bill Brocius
When I think of Powers Boothe, I will always go back to where it all began for me. Curly Bill is slick, mischievous, and downright evil and yet he’s also cool. You hate him but you LOVE to hate him. His numerous matchups with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer gives the movie a healthy amount of its grit and left me perpetually wanting more.

Well...bye.

Collected Works - Marvel Cinematic Universe Updated

Tomorrow night, theaters will be packed with viewers ready to absorb another chapter of the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the form of Star Lord, Baby Groot, and The Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2. In preparation for the event, I thought it might be time to look back at my MCU list, originally published here in May of 2015, and add in the newbies while evaluating my previous rankings, as my feelings toward most films (most good ones, anyway) change and evolve over time and further viewings. Here’s what I came up with this time around. 

14. Thor: The Dark World (2013) ORIGINAL RANK: 10/10
THEN: The only MCU movie that doesn’t reside in my massive Blu-Ray/DVD collection and the only entry I didn’t rewatch for the purpose of making this list. Thor is, perhaps, the toughest of the core Avenger crew to pull off on his own (more on this in a moment) but having seen it done correctly in the first film, I came out of Dark World incredibly disappointed and thoroughly unimpressed. This was the first (and to this point, only) time that the Marvel formula felt tired to me. The term “cash grab” doesn’t quite fit but Dark World is a relatively ugly film that feels flat and uninspired.
NOW: Dark World actually gets worse with age. This is still the massive outlier in the MCU. 

13. The Incredible Hulk (2008) ORIGINAL RANK: 9/10
THEN: Words/phrases I would use to describe The Incredible Hulk would include: “Not bad.” “Entertaining.” “Consistently good enough.” “Solid.” There’s really nothing especially good about this movie but there’s nothing wrong with it, either. In fact, there are several movies ranked about The Incredible Hulk that have significantly lower lows than this film does; it’s just that the highs never amount to all that much. Norton is good as Banner/Hulk but not irreplaceable (obviously) and the rest of the movie hums along at about the same level of quality. The Incredible Hulk is a perfectly reasonable, acceptable summer blockbuster.
NOW: I continue to enjoy this one for what it is but rarely do I think, “I’m really hankering for some Incredible Hulk action.” 

12. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) ORIGINAL RANK: N/A
Age of Ultron gets my vote as the most uneven film in the MCU. I love the introduction and the downtimes during which the characters simply exist in each other’s strange orbits, outside of the action. I enjoy James Spader’s embodiment of Ultron. And the action set pieces are grandiose. But the studio meddling is evident at times (this is the only film that exhibits a clash between director and studio) and the story gets convoluted as a result. Thor spends the entire movie being confused for reasons that are never completely evident on screen, Ultron’s motives are defined but not in any sort of interesting way, and of course, it all ends in yet another round of Iron Man Suit Overload. I was high on Age of Ultron after my initial viewing, less so on subsequent viewings. In fact, I had this movie higher on the list when I started working on it but talked myself down a couple notches. 

11. Ant-Man (2015) ORIGINAL RANK: N/A
I pine for what Ant-Man would’ve been in the hands of Edgar Wright. There are traces of it that bleed through the screen from time to time but ultimately, I think the film suffers from the change in direction. With respect to Peyton Reed, Wright has such a singular style, almost any director would’ve struggled to fit into his shoes. What I love about Ant-Man are the three principles: Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas, and Evangeline Lilly. Each of them latches on to their respective roles and brings the characters to life in highly enjoyable ways. To be clear, I like Ant-Man quite a bit; it’s a solid, B+ kind of movie. But I’m much more excited about its potential than anything within the movie itself. 

10. Iron Man 2 (2010) ORIGINAL RANK: 8/10
THEN: I find it very easy to get sucked into Iron Man 2 and ignore its flaws. More than anything else, I just enjoy watching Robert Downey, Jr. be Robert Down--- er, I mean Tony Snark. This is Tony at his cockiest and that’s just a lot of fun to sit back and enjoy. The narrative is weak, however, and Favreau (whom I quite like as both a director and performer) misuses Sam Rockwell badly, leaving Iron Man 2 feeling a little thin. The movie could have fattened up on a more compelling villain but Mickey Rourke’s Ivan Vanko doesn’t quite fit the bill. On the whole, I think Iron Man 2 is a great “TNT on a Sunday afternoon” sort of movie but inferior to the rest of the Stark entries.
NOW: Seven years out from IM2’s debut, I think the most damning thing about it is it’s forgettability. Most of the plotting and happenings around Tony Stark are fine but altogether forgettable. 

9. Doctor Strange (2016) ORIGINAL RANK: N/A
This one has a chance to move up with future viewings. I’m high on Cumberbatch’s performance, I’m always happy to see Rachel McAdams (though I’m assuming they had to convince her that teleporting was the same thing as time travel in order for her to sign on), and it is easily the most visually compelling film in the MCU. In fact, I think Scott Derrickson’s directorial work here stands with the Russo’s on Winter Soldier and Whedon’s on Avengers as the best in the best in the franchise. Most of my complaints with Doctor Strange come down to the presence of yet another weak villain and the Doctor himself, who is somewhat dull and uninteresting, at least in his first MCU foray. 

8. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) ORIGINAL RANK: 7/10
THEN: The old-school sentimentality and the sense of nostalgia within First Avenger work for me where others found it corny or pandering. You could argue that the degree of difficulty is lower on Captain America than it is on most of these other films and even I would agree that Chris Evans, while talented and incredibly well-cast, is the most replaceable actor in the MCU (again, besides Norton). But I would counter your argument by pointing out the list of Superman properties that have come and gone as an indicator of just how difficult it is, after all, to successfully convey the sort of old fashioned, deep-rooted American values that both characters espouse. Captain America does it incredibly well and also manages to bring along one of the better villains this franchise has to offer.
NOW: The only real downside to First Avenger for me is the strength of its descendants. This movie sets the tone for the Cap series beautifully. So beautifully, in fact, that the Russo brothers could come in and build upon the foundation to create the strongest standalone Avenger franchise in the MCU. As a result, I think First Avenger feels lesser than it would if the movies that followed were only “good” instead of “great.”

7. Thor (2011) ORIGINAL RANK: 5/10
THEN: Thor should not work. The protagonist isn’t relatable, the Asgardian setting is too galactic, and the earth-bound story is too cliché. But through it all, Thor not only works, it’s also the only Marvel film that gets better with age and multiple viewings. It might not be my first choice for a rewatch but every time I do, I come away with a greater appreciation. Thor succeeds for two reasons: One, Chris Hemsworth is a bona fide movie star. And two, Kenneth Branagh is a fantastic director (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit aside). Branagh deserves unending credit for making Thor even a remotely enjoyable film, let alone a very good one, and if you need proof of that, look no further than Thor: The Dark World.
NOW: I might be looking for an exit from the “Chris Hemsworth is a Movie Star” train but the remarkability of Thor being even decent if not full-on good is still key here. I grow more excited for Thor: Ragnarok by the day and a big part of that is knowing how well Thor can be used in the right hands. 

6. Iron Man 3 (2013) ORIGINAL RANK: 6/10
THEN: I found this one to be the toughest in the series to place. I think the highs of Iron Man 3 are better than almost any other in the MCU. The movie is a blast, Robert Downey, Jr. is tremendous, Shane Black working in a franchise setting is a riot, and I think pound for pound, the airborne passenger rescue is probably the best sequence in the entire series of films. But then there’s that final act. “Bombastic” is a word I used to describe the third act after my first viewing but now I prefer, “Iron Man suit vomit.” It’s just too much and the battle between Stark and Guy Pearce’s villain, capped off by a semi-absurd ascension to power by Gwyneth Paltrow, is an enormous let down compared to the first two-thirds of the movie. I’ll watch Iron Man 3 a thousand more times in my lifetime and I think I’ll always be a little disappointed in its finish.
NOW: For comic nerds, it seems placing IM3 this high on the list is heresy and I admit to being less sure of this placement than I would like given my propensity for hardened opinions. The last 20 minutes is still a major issue but I so enjoy the first two acts, even the reveal of the villain that so many people seem to hate. 

5. Captain America: Civil War (2016) ORIGINAL RANK: N/A
I have a tough time slotting Civil War. There are vast chunks of the film that I love and I give the Russos immense credit for pulling off the feat of bringing together such a large and complicated story. Civil War’s central themes and the A-story work very well for me on repeat viewings. Stretches of the movie, however, play simultaneously as too long and too rushed, which leads me to the idea that there are just too many characters contained herein to pace the movie properly. (This doesn’t bode especially well for next year’s Infinity War.) When Civil War is moving and the action is flowing, it’s very good. It is in the moments of rest and lead up that the movie struggles a bit for me. 

4. Iron Man (2008) ORIGINAL RANK: 4/10
THEN: The patriarch of the MCU still stands just as strong as it did when it burst on to the scene in 2008. In retrospect, Iron Man was the perfect feature to kickoff this whole crazy thing and of course Robert Downey, Jr. is the perfect leader for the movement. Iron Man is a completely different kind of superhero movie than anything we had seen previously and it set the tone for films to come. It is a highly enjoyable, quality piece of blockbuster filmmaking. The only thing that holds it back is the ho-hum villain (even by Marvel standards) and the fact that it started the, “Iron Man battles Iron Man suits!” trend. 
NOW: History has been rewritten a bit in the wake of how successful this universe has turned out to be but never forget that Disney/Marvel put a LOT on the line to make Iron Man. That they were able to pump out one of their most iconic, enduring films under such pressure is an achievement in and of itself. 

3. The Avengers (2012) ORIGINAL RANK: 2/10
THEN: Were you nervous about whether or not Joss Whedon could pull this thing together before The Avengers debuted? I was. Not because I didn’t believe in Whedon or because I didn’t see the merits of the property but because the stakes were so stinking high. Marvel had been building toward this moment for so long and if it didn’t work, the previous films would have been cheapened in some way, despite how much I liked them all. I imagine the folks at Marvel/Disney would admit to the same anxiety if they were being honest. But it all worked out thanks to the remarkable talent both on and off the screen. The actors have excellent chemistry together and they’re all (okay, maybe not poor Jeremy Renner) able to work off each other quite well while staying in character, not a totally easy task in an ensemble like this. And Whedon blends the heroes together nearly seamlessly (again, poor Jeremy Renner) by playing up their respective strengths and weaknesses and mixing in an obligatory Whedon-y script that did wonders for this universe. Moreover, I think Avengers has the ONLY compelling villain in the MCU and Whedon deserves a ton of credit for building Loki up appropriately from his tepid run in Thor.
NOW: Whether that’s because of superhero overload or because we’ve seen the familiar notes from this movie played again and again through the subsequent MCU films, it feels like we’ve downgraded our appreciation for The Avengers. This is a shame, as the film holds up beautifully five years out and its degree of difficulty remains off the charts. 

2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) ORIGINAL RANK: 3/10
THEN: Because, as mentioned previously, I’m a big fan of the original Captain America, I think I had a higher level of anticipation for The Winter Soldier than most. Even I was blown away. The Russo Brothers took a strong, moralistic character and gave him an edge without betraying his sense of right and wrong. It was, to my mind, a huge leap forward for the whole MCU in terms of tone and look. The action sequences are incredibly strong and the Russos were able to make Cap much more powerful (yet still realistically so) than he’d ever been before. Upon subsequent viewings, I’m not totally in love with the final act and I really wish Robert Redford could be replaced by someone who actually cares even a little. But these are small flaws. 
NOW: If Winter Soldier gets your vote for the best MCU film, I have zero complaints. The realism sets it apart from the rest of the films in this series, even Civil War. 

1. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) ORIGINAL RANK: 1/10
THEN: I considered excluding Guardians from this conversation simply because it is obviously the least connected film within the MCU. It’s almost “MCU adjacent” rather than “MCU proper.” But since Marvel considers it part of the expanded universe, so will I. In my mind, there is almost nothing to quibble over when it comes to Guardians. Sure, a stronger villain would be nice (this is something Marvel seriously needs to work on) but this is not a story that’s begging for a compelling bad guy and the sheer enjoyableness of the mismatched main characters overshadows that shortcoming. I have very rarely had as much fun in a theater as I had with Guardians and it brings a level of freshness to this universe that I think it desperately needed. The beats may be the same as the average Marvel movie but the music is completely different and oh, what a blast it is to behold! 
NOW: Whenever I’m in the mood for a Marvel movie, Guardians remains my starting point. There’s nothing I don’t love about this movie even after what has to be a dozen or more viewings. It is blockbuster filmmaking at its finest, wrapped up in a Marvel-y ribbon.

Ranking the X-Men

Last week on Twitter, we asked our listeners to send us their personal ranking of the X-Men movies and I had some fun looking through the various responses. Instead of simply writing up my own ranking of the films, however, I decided to take this nonsense to another level. I watched all of the X-Men movies over the last week. I examined each movie in great detail, made copious notes, used dry erase markers on the windows of a conference room, etc. and I came up with a conclusive, definitive ranking of every X-Man within the XMCU (X-Men Cinematic Universe, obviously). Why did I do this, you ask? The obvious answer is I am insane. I accept this.

The secondary answer is, I love the X-Men. If you ask me who my favorite superhero is, I’ll answer (truthfully) with Batman, almost as involuntary reflex. But if you ask me which superhero(es) I care about or who I want to see more of, it’s X-Men by a mile. I would gladly give up future Batman movies if it meant I could get a good run of X-Men properties. The X-Men animated series was hugely influential on me as a youth, I collected all the action figures I could get my hands on, and to this day, the only actual comic books I’ve ever read belong in the X-Men universe. So, while the XMCU (X-Men Cinematic Universe, duh) has been a massive roller coaster for 15+ years, I’ll always line up for the next one, attempting to somehow navigate all the various timelines and hoping I’ll get to see my beloved X-Men do something uncanny, as it were.

A few notes on this list.
1.)    I have not seen Logan at the time of this writing so that film does not factor into the decisions herein.
2.)    I excluded Deadpool entirely. I consider Deadpool to be its own universe; “X-Men Adjacent” if you will.
3.)    This list concerns ONLY the films, not the comics, animated series, etc.
4.)    Most importantly, this is not a ranking of every character in the XMCU; rather, it is a ranking of the X-Men within the XMCU. As such, villains are not part of the equation, nor are some of the students who appear in the movies who we may know turn out to be so-and-so somewhere down the line but are not actually so-and-so when we see them.

This process got very, very complicated both in terms of who qualified for consideration and how to quantify their virtues. Ultimately, I decided that to be considered for this list, a character must have at some point suited up as an X-Man and/or been enrolled in or taught at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. I made exceptions for characters who never EXACTLY suited up or enrolled but who we know later did based on the various timelines (see: numbers 19 and 22, respectively). From there, I attempted to judge each character’s contribution to the X-Men team(s) they worked with, the powers they bring to the table, and the performances of the actors in these roles. This got tricky in a few spots (see: Young Magneto) but this is why I get paid the big bucks (read: “Nothing. I get paid nothing.”) I also made one big exception to all of these rules just because I wanted to and I’m not even sorry about it. All of this left me with 33 X-Men under consideration and they are ranked thusly.

(NOTE: There are myriad spoilers contained within this post as I assume if you’re reading 3,000 words on the XMCU you have, in fact, seen all of the movies in the XMCU or you don’t care about spoilers.)

33. Young Jubilee (Apocalypse)

I always enjoyed Jubilee in the animated series but the character’s presence in the XMCU is limited and she’s left behind by her young compatriots without even being given the chance to show off her powers. (Though to be fair her powers mostly center on creating confetti out of thin air.)

32. Darwin (FC)

Look, Darwin, this ranking is not an indictment of your powers and it’s certainly not an indictment of your courage. But let’s be real, you were in the X-Men for like two hours, you never got a costume, and then you died in a heroic-but-kinda-stupid fashion.

31. Angel (Last Stand)

Of Last Stand’s MANY sins, near the top of the list is Brett Ratner’s casting of Ben Foster, one of the most intense, versatile actors of his generation and turning him into a whiney emo kid whose contribution to the X-Men is negligible at best.

30. Rogue (X1-Last Stand)

When I started this list, I had Rogue much higher up. I loved her in the animated series and her powers are substantial. But you know what I discovered while rewatching these movies? Rogue in the XMCU sucks. She whines constantly, she contributes almost nothing to the team, and she bails on her mutant powers at a time when the X-Men could really use someone with her exact mutant powers. She’s kind of a beating to be honest with you.

29. Colossus (X2 sort of, Last Stand, DOFP)

Deadpool proved that you can, in fact, create a vision of Colossus that works on screen. This should be obvious because Colossus is dope in pretty much every form…except for these movies, wherein he is a meathead with the depth of a dollar bill. He gets a very brief moment in the sun in Days of Future Past but it’s not nearly enough.

28. Angel (FC)

(She is BARELY part of the X-Men precursor but I think she still counts.) Angel turns out to be a decent enough villain as a member of Sebastian Shaw’s crew. But as an X-Man, her contribution to the team is basically her work as an accomplice in the murder of Darwin. That’s not really the sort of character we’re looking for at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.

27-25. Warpath, Bishop, Sunspot (DOFP)

I quite like Days of Future Past and I’ll not hear your complaints about the film, thank you very much. But if I did want to pick nits, I would start with the inclusion-but-subsequent-sterilization of some of my favorite mutants from the source material. All of these characters, Bishop in particular, bring outstanding power and presence to the table and each of them gets about 10 seconds on screen in the entirety of the film. Quite the bummer.

24. Banshee (FC)

As a member of a team, Banshee is just fine, I guess. His powers are a bit underwhelming but hey, you need some glue guys to make a team really click. But he is kind of annoying on screen and you can definitely see why he was an easy kill for Trask Industries between First Class and Days of Future Past.

23. Old Beast (Last Stand)

Kelsey Grammar as Beast/Hank McCoy is perfect casting. PERFECT. I’m still shocked that the Rat Man and his crew got this one right. He is horribly underutilized, however, and most of his action sequences are cringeworthy. Beast is the rare X-Man who is more interesting on screen as a mutant human than he is when in action as an X-Man.

22. Angel (Apocalypse)

I know all the “Angel” listings are getting confusing, I’m sorry, it’s not my fault. This version of Angel is solid on screen as one of Apocalypse’s Four Horsemen. I like the interpretation, though at some point I’d like to see him in an X-Men movie as Archangel instead of just Angel so as to further confuse me. He makes for a cool villain but his contribution to the downfall of Apocalypse is small.

21. Blink (DOFP)

I could’ve added Blink to the previous collection of woefully underutilized mutants from Days of Future Past but I think, unlike her compatriots, you do get a decent look at her powers and her importance to the team. Bingbing Fan is very good in this role, too, despite the inherent limitations of never once uttering a line of dialogue on screen.

20. Old Magneto (DOFP)

Let me be clear: Old Magneto is awesome and Ian McKellan is remarkable in the role. The scene in X2 when he realizes his guard has been laced with iron is one of the best pieces of acting I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. But he’s only an X-Man in Days of Future Past and in the film, he gets only one outstanding-but-limited opportunity to show off his immense power. The rest of the time he’s mostly just being sad.

19. Young Storm (Apocalypse)

This one is similar to Angel (Apocalypse Angel, not First Class or Last Stand Angel and oh my goodness, this is getting confusing) in that the Storm character is pretty great but she’s only an X-Man for a tiny slice of time.

18. Kitty Pryde (Last Stand, DOFP)

Kitty Pryde is one of the very few mutants to come out of Last Stand with even a modicum of dignity leftover. A year before her big break out in Juno, Ellen Page brought some power to a character that very easily could’ve been swallowed up in the mutant overload that is Last Stand. And while her screen presence is relatively trivial in Days of Future Past, her powers are vital to the survival of mutant kind.

17. Ice Man (X2 sort of, Last Stand, DOFP)

Ice Man was a highly sought after action figure when I was a kid and I’ve had an affinity for the character ever since. I’ve always appreciated his introduction in X2 and I think we get a much better second look at him if only a competent director had helmed Last Stand. Days of Future Past gave us our first real glimpse at his power and I love his scenes. I only wish he didn’t spend the bulk of his screen time pining for either Rogue or Kitty Pryde.

16. Havok (FC, DOFP, Apocalypse)

Havok is sort of the median X-Man in my view. His powers are cool and he’s trying to be cocky (always something I’m looking for in my young movie superheroes) but his screen presence just isn’t strong enough to give him a real and lasting impact. He’s solid in First Class but his appearance in Days of Future Past is a glorified cameo and he looks ridiculous in Apocalypse. It’s an admirable showing but nothing special. Basically, his wins-above-replacement is like 1.3.

15. Gambit (Origins: Wolverine)

Okay so here’s where I cheated. Origins isn’t really an X-Men movie, Gambit never technically suits up as an X-Man, and also this movie is very bad. It’s entirely possible that Gambit shouldn’t rank this high even if these other qualifiers weren’t issues. But this is my list and Gambit is my favorite X-Man of all-time and my son is named after another Taylor Kitsch character (Battleship, obviously) and I’ll do what I want, thank you very much.

14-12. Young Cyclops (Apocalypse), Young Jean Gray (Apocalypse), and Young Nightcrawler (Apocalypse)

One of the few aspects of Apocalypse that actually works is the introduction of the youngsters to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. You get a taste of what could be for a stronger, less lovesick Cyclops could be like (big fan of Ty Sheridan; that kid is going places), a glimpse into the struggle for control that haunts Jean perpetually, and the sublime weirdness of Nightcrawler. They’re not perfect to be sure but they give me some hope for the future of the franchise that would otherwise be missing after Apocalypse.

 11. Cyclops (X1-Last Stand)

This was one of the hardest choices I had to make when putting this list together. I love Cyclops outside of the movies and I think James Marsden was an awesome choice to play him on screen. When Cyclops is engaged, when he’s using his powers and running the show, he can be a force to behold. Unfortunately, most of his screen time is spent brooding over Jean and quarreling with Logan in what is decidedly a one-sided fight. And then he goes out LIKE A CHUMP in Last Stand. I’m actually still a little embarrassed for Cyclops; he deserved a warrior’s death and instead he got…that.

10. Jean Gray (X1, X2, not really an X-Man in Last Stand but Phoenix sort of goes good at the end so I don’t know)

Jean is very similar to Cyclops in these films in that her source material is greater than the sum of what she does on screen. To be fair, her work in X1 and X2 is more impressive than Cyclops as is her contribution to the team. But the Phoenix stuff is…misguided, let’s say. As great as X2 is (gets my vote for the best X-Men movie), in hindsight, Bryan Singer used the Phoenix bullet too early in the series and handing that plan over to Ratner obviously crippled the franchise for a time. Personally, I enjoy Jean Gray as an X-Man but I’ve never been overly impressed with Famke Janssen’s performance out of costume.

9. Nightcrawler (X2)

It is a crying shame that Nightcrawler only got one movie in which to shine. Alan Cumming’s portrayal is awesome and whereas I think Singer missed a bit on the character elements of some of his X-Men, he nailed it on this one. His best scene (the opener of X2 which is fantastic) happens before he joins the team but his contribution to the X-Men is undeniable.

8. Storm (X1-Last Stand, DOFP)

Storm’s role in the XMCU has been up-and-down to say the least. Her powers come and go at times and her presence on screen ranges from, “Best X-Man, Hands Down” to “Relegated to Cheesy One-Liners and Being Insecure.” As a character, she’s a bit lacking most of the time. But as an X-Man, she delivers some of the best moments in the franchise. Her work in DOFP is the cherry on the sundae.

7. Young Beast (FC, DOFP, Apocalypse)

One of the reasons I love Young Beast (and Nicholas Hoult’s performance) is his groundedness. That is to say, I think maybe more so than any other X-Man, Beast/Hank McCoy seems to be the most in touch with reality. For a lot of the X-Men, their out-of-costume issues come across as sulky and moody. Beast, though, handles his emotions in an appropriate way most of the time. “This is a scientific problem so I will address it in a scientific way.” (Apocalypse leads him down a Cyclops-y direction but hopefully we’ve put an end to that.) And when he does unleash the beast (sorry, sorry), it is a sight to behold.

6. Young Magneto (FC, DOFP, Apocalypse)

If this list is “Best Characters in the X-Men Movies”, Fassbender’s Magneto finishes no lower than third. He’s awesome because Fassbender is awesome and he embodies that character so perfectly. But what does he do as an actual member of the X-Men? Mostly he just betrays them over and over again. Strangely, this is not a quality we’re looking for in a superhero troupe if we’re being quite honest. I probably have him too high based on the qualifications but he’s so stinking good on screen, so compelling, that I just couldn’t drop him any further.

5. Young Mystique (FC, DOFP, Apocalypse)

This is likely to be an unpopular choice with some of my compatriots but I think it’s near impossible to argue against Mystique’s importance to the X-Men in her three XMCU appearances. You could make the case that the movies focus TOO much on her because Jennifer Lawrence is a big draw and I might agree with you. This doesn’t diminish her impact, however. She also straddles the line between X-Man and NOT X-Man much better than, say, Magneto.

4. Quicksilver (DOFP, Apocalypse)

I straight up LOVE Quicksilver’s appearances in these movies, limited as they are. He is such a refreshing breath of air and Singer uses him perfectly. Any more and you get tired of his obnoxious energy, any less and you wonder why he’s even in the movies. His importance to the team, too, is invaluable as he pretty much saves every character from death at one point or another.

3. Young Professor Xavier (FC, DOFP, Apocalypse)

I don’t know what it is about James McAvoy but he always has to talk me into his performances. I think maybe I’m still holding on to Wanted and blaming him for how freaking awful that movie is. But you know what? James McAvoy is pretty dope. You can’t replace Patrick Stewart in the chair; you just can’t. So if you’re going to do a take on Professor X, you have to do a completely different interpretation. I think Matthew Vaughn got that when he cast McAvoy to play Young Xavier and McAvoy understands that perfectly. It’s fun to see a brash Xavier in First Class and watch his development into an all-knowing sage through the rest of this run. (But Wanted still sucks and someone needs to be held responsible for this, James.)

2. Professor Xavier (X1-Last Stand, Origins: Wolverine, DOFP)

As good as McAvoy is, though, he can’t touch the O.G. Professor Xavier is one of the most ingenious characters ever created in comic form and Stewart brings him to life brilliantly. The wisdom, the wit, the charm, the PRESENCE… Stewart’s Professor X is perfect on screen. The only problem with his “Greatest X-Men” candidacy is he is perpetually getting knocked out of commission. Poisoned in X1, mentally and physically hijacked in X2, killed dead in Last Stand, etc. I get it, you kinda have to keep taking X out of the equation because he’s too powerful in a battle but it definitely keeps him out of the top spot for me. Stop getting waylaid, Professor!

1. Wolverine (X1-Last Stand, DOFP, Cameos in FC and Apocalypse)

To be frank, this list could’ve been more fun and maybe generate a few more hits if I would’ve gone against the grain and put Wolverine somewhere else in the top 10. But what are you gonna do? Wolverine is the goat. At times the XMCU caters to him too much but it’s because he’s such a compelling character and Hugh Jackman morphs into him so seamlessly. There’s a nuance to the character that is only hinted at with most of the other members of the team (this is aided by the fact that Jackman plays the character in every movie and the writing pushes him to the forefront). Wolverine is cool to be sure but he’s also a tragic figure and you always, ALWAYS, want to know more about him. That’s why we’ve had now three standalone movies centering around him. His brute physicality, his harsh sarcasm, and his cigars are awesome but it’s his history that brings us back time and time again.

Movie Rankings 2016

A+
Hell or High Water
La La Land
Moana

A
Everybody Wants Some!!
Arrival
A Monster Calls
The Lobster
Moonlight
The Jungle Book
Pete’s Dragon
Manchester By the Sea
Hidden Figures
Captain Fantastic
Deadpool
Captain America: Civil War
The Nice Guys
Patriot’s Day
Fences
Raiders!

A-
Zootopia
Deepwater Horizon
Hacksaw Ridge
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Doctor Strange
Hail, Caesar!
The Founder
Green Room
Edge of 17
Kubo and the Two Strings
The Secret Life of Pets
Star Trek Beyond
Elstree 1976
Florence Foster Jenkins
Midnight Special

B+
10 Cloverfield Lane
Elvis & Nixon
Finding Dory
The Shallows
Morris From America
Bloodfather
Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them
Trolls
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
The BFG
Jason Bourne

B
Anthropoid
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Kung Fu Panda 3
War Dogs
Neighbors 2
The Magnificent Seven
Central Intelligence
Eddie the Eagle
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

B-
Keanu
A Hologram for the King
Money Monster
13 Hours
Birth of a Nation
The Infiltrator
The Girl on the Train

C+
X-Men: Apocalypse
Sully
The Accountant
London Has Fallen

C
Mr. Right
Sausage Party
Passengers
Hands of Stone
Triple 9
Free State of Jones

C-
The Family Fang
The Mechanic: Resurrection
The Huntsman: Winter’s War
The Legend of Tarzan
TMNT 2: Out of the Shadows
Live By Night
Ghostbusters

D
Assassin’s Creed
Swiss Army Man
Alice Through the Looking Glass
Warcraft

F
Gods of Egypt
Now You See Me 2
Suicide Squad
Independence Day Resurgence
Zoolander 2
Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk
Batman v Superman