Adventures in Parenting #6: Is My Son a Vampire?

Last week I wrote about the origins of my son's middle name and mentioned that we almost named him after Jack White. In certain circles, Jack White is known as the Nashville Vampire because he looks like this: jackwhite2He also happens to be the most singularly gifted musician I've ever seen and that's why we almost named Cooper after him. But that's beside the point. The point is the nickname because given this kid's sleeping habits, maybe we should have gone ahead and named him after the Nashville Vampire.

I was, of course, warned about the manner in which newborn infants choose to sleep. "Get sleep while you can" is one of the three major tenets of the Church of Random Strangers Who Give You Unsolicited Parenting Advice. But other than preemptively throwing yourself into a miserable schedule wherein you rarely sleep and force yourself to wake up in a haze every 30 minutes or so, there's no way to TRULY prepare for this phenomenon until it's actually thrust upon you.

My son is formula fed which means Lindsey and I are essentially taking shifts with him. Since I'm a late night person, I stay up with him and/or sleep on the couch until I can't handle it anymore while Lindsey sleeps and then we switch. This is fine until about 2 am as this is usually my breaking point but it's not really late enough to switch and have an even split so I have to fight through to at least 3 and sometimes 4 in the morning before throwing in the towel. This wouldn't be so bad except that the 2-6 am range is apparently prime time for Cooper.

This is a photo of my son at 10 pm:


Notice he is completely gone, sprawled out like he couldn't care less about the uncomfortable position he's laying in or the flash on my phone splashing over his little face. (Also note that his face really isn't that fat and he does, in fact, have a neck.) Lindsey went to bed shortly after this picture and my shift began.

This is a photo of my son at 12:30 am:


Now, if that looks like a peaceful, sleeping baby, let me tell you that this is a lie. He's been "stirring" for about an hour now, flailing about and making his little grunting noises that are just loud and infrequent enough that you can't sleep through it. Just moments after this photo he exploded in a fit of rage because someone (note: it was him, he did it to himself) pinned his arms down at his side and he hates not having his arms up above his head. This will be the source of his rage for the rest of the night I'm sure.

This is a photo of my son at 3:30 am:

photo (12)

Note that he has had plenty of food (though if I had to eat formula eight times a day I'd probably kill a man), his diaper has been changed (repeatedly) and I have acquiesced to his demands by swaddling up his legs and allowing his arms the freedom they so obviously deserve. And yet...he remains awake. Wide awake, in fact, and unwilling to allow anyone in the room (including the dog) to sleep. We have been sitting and watching old episodes of The Office for hours and each attempt to lay him down and get some rest has been unsuccessful.

Note that this kid sleeps throughout the entire day. We often have to wake him up to feed him and if you happen to wander into a room with a particularly bright light while holding him he shrieks and covers his eyes. I can draw only one logical conclusion, of course: my son is a vampire. He is most active during the prime vampiring hours and despises the daylight as if the sun stole his girlfriend. I can only hope now that he will become the Jack White/awesome sort of vampire rather than the Edward Cullen/sparkly sort. Apologies in advance to any friend or family member whose neck is attacked by my baby in the future.

Does anyone know where I can find a drifter? Brian