Adventures in Parenting #1 - What Do We Do Now?

I imagine that every parenting blog that has ever existed in the history of parenting blogs has begun with a post similar to this one: We're pregnant, so what in the world do we do now? Well, if you're me, you spend nine months doing things like this:

1.) Tell all of your friends and family, making sure to hit all of the "important" people before posting the news on Facebook. This is crucial because if anyone should take objection to finding out through Facebook, you need to be able to feel good about telling that person that they're just not that significant.

2.) Record your mother in law receiving the baby news so that you can hopefully win $10,000 from America's Funniest Home Videos and somehow pay for this kid's birth. 

3.) See literally every single movie a person could possibly see and still be relatively productive at his job.

4.) Elicit parenting advice from countless strangers. No, check that, don't bother doing that at all because they'll all give you their advice whether you want it or not (by the way, I probably didn't).

5.) Attend countless doctor's appointments, some of which are downright uncomfortable.

6.) See your baby on a sonogram for the first time and literally just stare at the screen with wide eyes and then say something stupid like, "There's a baby in there! Golly gee-willickers!"


7.) Consider what sort of ramifications this whole "having a baby" thing is going to have on your long term policy of "not really liking babies and wanting nothing to do with them." This will be a theme here I'm sure.

8.) Resist the urge to strangle the next random stranger who offers his parenting advice while his kid runs amok through Target.

9.) Watch a movie like The Hobbitor Star Warsand contemplate the best ways to turn this kid into a nerd from day one. (The stuffed Chewbacca in his crib will probably do the trick.)

10.) Keep track of the number of times someone says something like, "Your whole life is about to change!" We're hovering somewhere around 93,000 such utterances now.

11.) Find yourself considering how literally every single tiny decision you make in a day will affect your yet-unborn child.

12.) Feel your baby move for the first time while sitting in a booth at IHOP at midnight. That place should really change its slogan to either: "IHOP: Where Dreams Come True" or "IHOP: Come for the Pancakes, Stay For the Kicking Baby, Leave Because You'll Need to Use the Bathroom After Eating our Food." Either one will work I think.

13.) Have a gender reveal party for your closest friends because APPARENTLY GENDER REVEAL PARTIES ARE A THING NOW.


14.) Continually taunt your dog by reminding her that everything is about to change for her too and she has no idea what's about to happen to her world. (This alleviates the rising stress level that is beginning to consume your every thought.)

15.) Start eating healthier because you want to, you know, be alive while your kid is alive.

16.) Stop eating healthy because all of this is stressful and stress means Whataburger.

17.) Buy clothes that he won't be able to wear for over a year because HOW DO YOU NOT BUY A TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES SHIRT ON SALE FOR $4?!

18.) Have a baby shower and receive more gifts than any child has ever received in the history of ever.

19.) Pray that Ke$ha isn't a thing when your child is old enough to start listening to his own music.

20.) Watch Dirk Nowitzki play basketball and wonder if he'll stick around long enough for your son to understand his greatness. (Literally a top five frequently occurring thought in my head.)

21.) Possibly get a little emotional when hanging up your son's newly washed clothes for the first time because they're so tiny but actually that didn't really happen because I AM A MAN.

22.) Have your friend, who was supposed to have her baby 6 weeks before yours, go into labor a few weeks early and totally freak you out because this is really happening oh my sweet goodness we're not at all ready...

23.) Get your dad to build a crib that will look better than anything you could find in stores and save you approximately $1 million dollars because hey by the way, baby stuff is stupid expensive. (Thanks Pops!)


24.) Take a hospital tour but spend all of your time making fun of the other couples with your wife so that neither of you actually learn anything on the tour. (In our defense, there were a lot of freaks and weirdos on that tour.)

25.) Constantly doubt whether or not you have what it takes to see this thing through and not screw this kid up so much that he turns out like Orin.

In all seriousness, the last 39 weeks have been an absolute roller coaster of emotions. The anxiety has only been matched by the excitement which has only been matched by the hours spent drinking heavily contemplating what life is going to be like when this kid finally gets here. (If only I would have listened to all that advice from complete strangers!!!) Now we find ourselves on the precipice of the biggest thing to ever happen to me (possibly not including the Dallas Mavericks winning the NBA championship in 2011 but I guess we'll just see) and I can't wait to see what God has in store for our little family.

Can babies drink Red Bull? Brian