Vacation Journal: Disney World Part 3

You can find parts one and two of this vacation journal here and here. In the interest of time and effort, all posts are written by Twitter rules (140 characters) give or take a few here or there. DAY FOUR

8:00 am - Since it's our last full day in Disney, we're up early to get the most out of our day.

11:00 am - Nah, I’m just kidding. I just woke up.

11:50 am - We ate lunch in our resort's food court. The presentation is great but at the end of the day you're basically eating Aramark. Meh.

11:56 am - I just walked by Mommy's Favorite. She's wearing a different color shirt with the exact same logo and name plate. She may need therapy.

12:40 pm - We've arrived at Magic Kingdom along with everyone else in the known world. I would imagine the crowd has grown 10 fold since Thursday.

1:12 pm - I've been inside the park for less than 30 minutes and I've already been smacked by strollers three different times.

1:17 pm - Lindsey wants to ride Small World so here we are, standing in line for 30 minutes, for the most annoying ride in the world.

1:53 pm - They should just replace the singing of "It's a Small World" with a constant loop of Lloyd Christmas' noise.

2:27 pm - I had only just gotten the songs from Beauty and the Beast out of my head and now Mickey’s Philharmagic dumped them right back in. Noooooo!!!

2:49 pm - A seagull just swooped down and tried to pick up a small child. They don't put that on the brochures.

3:04 pm - Hopped on the Tomorrowland People Mover which is basically just you sitting alone in a cart for 10 minutes. In other words, it's AWESOME.

3:15 pm - I retract my statement about Love Field being Leggings as Pants Field. Love Field is like AA baseball and Disney World is the Major Leagues.

3:16 pm - Another trend that desperately needs to stop: Shirts that start with “Keep Calm and” then end with something stupid. We’re done here.

3:35 pm - We're halfway through the Carousel of Progress and I'm ready to pronounce this the worst attraction in all of Disney World. Burn it down!

3:40 pm - On second thought, empty it out and just make it a nice dark room that you can stay in for 20 minutes. Call it NapLand. You're welcome, Disey.

3:53 pm - Lindsey and I might be the only 2 adults in the whole park that don't have tattoos. They're EVERYWHERE.

3:54 pm - I'm not bashing; I've considered getting one (dragon wings across my entire back obviously) but that's a long term commitment, you know?

4:02 pm - The worst thing about Disney World is that they don't have the rights to Harry Potter. They would make it so much better than stupid Universal.

4:40 pm - Leggings as Pants has officially become an epidemic akin to feline AIDS. Someone needs to make a PSA.

5:30 pm - Walked out of Maelstrom (meh), everyone inside is freaking out because of the hard rain. We get our jackets and hats out and brave it...

5:31 pm - Turns out it's barely drizzling but the fake waterfall next to the door made it sound like a hurricane. We're smart.

6:07 pm - Before dinner, we're hitting up Living with the Land which is a tour of a sustainable greenhouse/hatchery. Education can be fun!

7:00 pm - Dinner tonight is at the Garden Grill. It’s a family style meal consisting of bread, salad, steak, turkey, and fish plus sides. AND IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT.

7:28 pm - This might be the best steak I've ever had in my life. One serving is not all I can eat so I have requested more. Bring me all the steak you have!

7:45 pm - The downside of Garden Grill is that Chip and Dale come around to meet you, which is great when you have kids with you. Kinda dumb for us.

7:46 pm - Characters coming around for a pair of 30 somethings is kind of like having the hibachi guy put on a show when you're the only 2 at the table. Awkward.

8:35 pm - Post-dinner, we've come back to Magic Kingdom because it's open until 1 am and we're fools.

9:00 pm - We have FastPasses for front row seats at the Electrical Light Parade. I'm usually adamantly against parades but I'll make an exception.

9:18 pm - The parade is going swimmingly until Captain Hook waves to the child sitting next to me who immediately FREAKS OUT. Not a Dustin Hoffman fan.

9:40 pm - Now that the crowd has thinned out, we're hitting all the rides we couldn't get to today. Dumbo, Barnstormer, Space Ranger, Space Mountain.

10:25 pm - Just saw a dude wearing a Terrell Owens Buffalo Bills jersey. I don't think he was doing it ironically and I would like to interview him.

11:00 pm - The fireworks have started and again every human is taking pictures of them. Let me show you how every firework picture looks. Now stop.

11:22 pm - Upon exiting Space Mountain, I look to Lindsey who weakly smiles and says, "What next?" "We're done, let's go" I say. I don't think she's ever loved me more.

DAY FIVE

7:40 am - We've only got a half day before we have to hit the airport so we're up early and I must say a morning in Disney is...no, I'm kidding, mornings are awful.

8:30 am - During our stay, we've seen twice as many Animal Kingdom buses as any other. Today, when we need one, they're nowhere to be found.

8:32 am - The Plan today is simple: 1. Dinosaur 2. Bug's Life Show 3. Expedition Everest 4. Lion King show 5. Out of the park before lunch Let's kick it.

9:03 am - We jog (or yog? the j might be soft) to Dinosaur, feeling good about ourselves...only to discover that it is having technical difficulties.

9:10 am - Reformatting The Plan, we're now headed to Bug's Life which is really for kids but I think it's fun so BACK OFF.

9:27 am - Except that Bug's Life is also having technical difficulties so now we're in danger of falling seriously behind. The Plan is a lie!

9:44 am - Post Bug's Life, we're now using a FastPass to hit Expedition Everest, which is my pick for best actual roller coaster in the Disney group.

10:00 am - One of the reasons Everest is so great: major bang for your buck. Your wait isn't astronomical and the ride lasts a solid 3 minutes.

10:05 am - From Everest, we hightailed it to The Festival of the Lion King and, again using a FastPass like bosses, we're sitting front row, awaiting the start.

10:25 am - At this point, let me extol the greatness of an app called Pocket that lets you save articles to your phone for later perusal. It's awesome.

10:26 am - Seriously, Pocket is almost essential for a trip like this. Once Twitter has run out of goods and Facebook becomes awful, Pocket saves the day.

10:30 am - Let me take a second to list the acceptable foot attire for Disney World: 1. Tennis shoes

That's it. TOMS, flip flops, boots, flats, etc. are completely ridiculous in this setting. Knock it off.

10:35 am - Finally the Festival of the Lion King begins and let me just tell you, this show is worth coming to Animal Kingdom for all by itself.

11:02 am - So what if I did cry a little during the Festival of the Lion King? SIMBA'S STORY IS UNIVERSAL!

11:03 am - But seriously you guys, it's an insane show. And I don't really like "shows." So that's saying something.

11:18 am - Guy at Dinosaur turns to employee and asks, "What's the wait time?" while walking directly under the Wait Time sign. LITERALLY here's your sign.

11:21 am - An employee just asked me if the Double T on my chest is for "Temple or Texas." I murdered her.

11:46 am - Having successfully hit all four stops on our whirlwind tour, Phase 2 of the plan has us running for a bus to Downtown Disney.

Phase 2 is simple: 1. Get to Downtown Disney 2. Buy Cooper something (because we've neglected him to this point) 3. Eat lunch 4. Leave

12:18 pm - Phase 2 immediately goes wrong because all of the people who were in Magic Kingdom yesterday are now in Downtown. ALL of them.

12:25 pm - Two women just nearly came to fisticuffs over a t-shirt. This is like Black Friday.

12:31 pm - I grab Cooper a souvenir, we bail on lunch, and we run back to the bus because we’ve got to be back at the resort by 1:45.

1:06 pm - We’re now stuck in traffic on a bus with a crying child. I haven’t eaten all day. I may be dying. Tell my son I love him.

1:20 pm - The worst thing about Disney (at least the third time I’ve said that right?) is that there is no Red Bull. I need Red Bull to survive, y’all.

2:39 pm - We shoveled food down our gullets and barely made it onto the Magical Express and then I passed out. Vacation!

2:50 pm - The TSA line was insane and somehow I lost Lindsey. I finished my prostate exam/pat down at least 10 minutes ago. She may be gone for good.

2:53 pm - Whew! She made it through. I was getting close to abandoning her and starting over. I think she would’ve done the same with me.

3:01 pm - We made it to our terminal 2 hours before departure and staked out a power outlet next to a couple of kids who brought their own power strip. Champions.

3:24 pm - I'm pretty sure Latarian is sitting across the aisle from me.

3:39 pm - The value of an outlet has risen dramatically. Outlets are the new currency here, worth far more than gold or bitcoins, whatever those are.

4:27 pm - I know you're not supposed to judge books by their cover but there's a woman reading Mafia Princess and I feel pretty confident in my judgment.

4:43 pm - I’m breaking the Twitter rule here because I just saw the worst thing. Two toolbags just tried to stiff a waitress at the neighboring bar. These are two grown men, mind you, who appear to not be destitute. When confronted, they played coy until she started getting ticked then paid her EXACTLY what was owed, no tip. Then one of the guys got back in line WITH HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS. I know there are murders and things like that happening every day but right now I’m pretty sure these are the two worst people on earth. If God decides to strike our plane down in His wrath, I would support the decision. The best advice I could ever give anyone is pretty simple: just don’t be a jerk. It’s not that hard to not be a jerk.

5:50 pm - We're in the air and I'm still ticked about the "gentlemen" at the terminal. I may be having a rage stroke.

6:25 pm - We've landed in Birmingham so I turn on my phone. While we were in the air my fantasy football team collapsed in the playoffs once again. I’m nothing if not extremely consistent.

6:46 pm - We've got a layover so we're grabbing some authentic Deep South barbecue...from the airport...and they're out of pork. Yup.

6:50 pm - I did arrive just in time to witness the Dallas Cowboys self-combust once again so at least there's that.

7:22 pm - Also there's a four year old child sitting at the bar so, yeah, we're in Alabama.

8:16 pm - We've finally boarded and there is literally no one around us but small children. I'm not even sure where their parents are.

9:39 pm - I'd just like to reiterate to anyone involved in the airline industry that I'd pay a $50 fee each way to insure there are no kids on my flight. And I say that as a parent.

10:54 pm - Only a few seat kicks worse for the wear, we've made it home safely to the loving arms of the King Baby who literally could not care less about the stuffed animal we brought him from Disney World. Kids!